He must be an only child!
The thought comes naturally. What child doesn’t say ‘he did it’ or ‘she made me’ when they get caught? Shifting blame is one escape and one lie that we’ve all justified at one time or another.
It’s a deception we buy into without even realizing it.
One key to knowing if you’re playing into the blame game is being conscious of when you think or say things like, “If they didn’t ___________ then I wouldn’t _____________. ”
We feel a lot better about ourselves if we can put the onus of why we did something we wish we hadn’t done on someone else. For example “I’m always late to work because my daughter isn’t a morning person and I can’t get her in the car on time.” Or, “If my wife wasn’t such a nag I might actually do some of the things on the honey do list.” Or, “I know I’m negative, but you would be too if you worked in the environment I work in.”
Or maybe you blame your past on who you are today. I love the NCIS episode where Callen asks the young man in trouble “so how many foster homes were you in?” and he says “nine” Callen responds compassionately and says “yeah it is rough – I was in 37.”
As adults we have the opportunity to choose how we will live, what we will think and what we will do and say. Someone should really claim responsibility for this great quote, “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it.”
Blame comes naturally. Taking responsibility does not. It seems to a child, and to us when we are not conscious of what we are doing, that shifting blame protects us. If we claim innocence we look good. Wrong! Think about the people in your circles that you most admire. My guess is not that they are perfect or claim to be perfect. My guess is that they are the folks who live life to the fullest, make mistakes and get back up again. They are the people who do their best realizing that sometimes things are truly out of their control but they take responsibility for who they are, what they do and what they say. They are empowered people.
It can be a little scary to own up to things. I think most of us are categorically blamers. We take responsibility for most stuff but there are some areas we don’t. I don’t think of myself as a blamer, but I have to admit to a few areas that are just hard! I’m rethinking as I write this how I will make different choices in the future.
I realize from past experience how empowering it is to take responsibility. It has empowered me to forgive myself and move forward with a renewed spirit and renewed energy. I hope you will take time to rethink how you might be shifting blame so that you too can make different choices, be empowered to forgive and find freedom. It’s worth it!