Disillusioned & Distant – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #1

Tim and Tina were never really happy.  For most of their 15 years they had communicated with harsh words and escalated volumes.  Of course there were the civil conversations too, but as often as not, there was fighting.As with many couples they did not have children immediately.  Having Tessa, after 9 years, created a sense of purpose for them which was wonderful but short lived.  Soon they realized they were back in the same old patterns with a little one absorbing every harsh word. They noticed that even before she could understand the words her mood could be affected for hours, even days after they’d had a screaming match.

Even so, they stayed together because their core belief was that marriage is for life.

By the time they contacted me their core belief was so battered and bruised by the emotional trauma they were suffering on a daily basis that Tim had begun looking for apartments.  Tina had kicked him out of the bedroom months earlier and they had not been intimate for years.  Their turn around has truly been miraculous!

 

The (really rough) notes below are from our very first session. As you can imagine, during their first session, they were guarded with their answers, so magnify them about 80% and you’ll get a real feel for where we were starting! 
As you contemplate working with a coach, what results would you like to achieve?Tim: Better communication skills. Understanding how Tina thinks. How to avoid letting the small stuff brewing into a much larger blow out.

Tina: A feeling of working together as a team towards our goals.  Rebuilt trust. I would like to feel loved, cherished, appreciated and sexy in my husband’s eyes.  I would like to stop being such a bitch all the time and let go of debilitating insecurities.  I want a clear picture of what our future looks like together – know that it’s worth this effort.

Imagine that you have been successful in accomplishing your goals in coaching. How will your relationship be different than it is now?

Tim: We would be a team. Loving, caring, completely trusting each other, comfortable with being vulnerable and having a partnership that can’t be broken. She would live in my heart and I would cleave to her. (sappy, but that’s what he said! :))

Tina: I would respect my husband again and he, me.  I would trust my husband with decisions regarding our household affairs.  I would have stopped having to second guess what my husband really thinks and feels.  There would be enough trust in our relationship to be able to speak truth knowing we have each other’s best interest at heart.  My husband and I would use sex as a way of expressing our deep and devoted love for one another. We would engage in family activities together and enjoy it.

What habits/activities/thought processes do you need to drop, simplify or let go of, in order to achieve those results?

Tim: Pride and taking her for granted. Selfishness. I need to listen more and pay attention to her, basically notice her more. Codependancy is a problem.

Wife:

 Stop jumping to worst possible conclusion. Holding onto old resentments.  Lack of planning our time together & treating time together as unimportant.