Tim’s insecurities didn’t help. His classic codependency caused him to take responsibility for all of Tina’s emotions. This would really flare her anger … and the viscous cycle would begin: She thought “You’re so vain – you ‘probly’ think this song (emotion) is about you!” And he would come completely undone trying to figure out what in the world he HAD done. But did they talk about it? Not really. It was just too emotional!Tim managed a whole team of people and was a nationally recognized performer in a very large company yet he would cower to Tina. He simply could not take a stand. His team loved him and he longed for his wife to love him but her emotional roller coaster made him feel anything but loved. Feeling inadequate and unworthy, he began withholding sex early on in their marriage. She wanted to use it as the make-up factor, but as he put it, “sex may be an emotional thing for a woman, but I’m not a machine, I don’t want to make love to someone who’s going to be tearing me to pieces tomorrow.”When we started coaching, Tina said she was angry about the lack of intimacy, but in reality, things had gotten so bad that she didn’t want it either. But she did. Yep, that was it. She was willing to do the work if he would do his part. He said he was willing, but at first he was clueless as to what his work looked like. Yes, it was a slow start.
My coaching sessions end with Action Steps that the client(s) comes up with and commit to work on before the next session. These little steps are the secret ingredient that turn things around – in time.
As you can imagine, romance was a fantasy that had died years ago. Yet they both desperately wanted to FEEL loved. They decided on ACTION STEPS that they hoped would eventually lead to that feeling.
*Tina decided to dedicate as many weeks as needed to praying that God would help her have the desire and strength to forgive. She also decided it would do their marriage good if she would continually reassure Tim that she was committed for the long haul.
*Tim decided he wanted to express a little affection, which Tina reluctantly agreed to. He wanted to give her a kiss upon arriving home, departing etc., but she only agreed to hugs at first!
Their ACTION STEPS may seem tiny. I chuckled as I typed this because I remembered what I’d written on my website years ago: “While the first ACTION STEPS may be seemingly small, progress is energizing. Once confidence increases, the pace picks up. I’m often amazed at how quickly my clients reach their goals – and so are they!”
At the end of each session, I sent their ACTION STEPS to them via email.
Stay tuned to find out how their ACTION STEPS played out.