Wouldn’t you rather just avoid unresolved issues? Bringing them up can feel like we’re asking for a fight. However, unresolved issues that have caused wounds tend to raise their ugly head when new conflicts arise yet if we can keep our minds focussed on the current conflict, resolve to that issue comes much more quickly. Until past wounds have healed those memories will, more than likely, arise causing pain, uncertainty and unneceesary turmoil over current issues.
I recently took care of a 4 year old issue. I know, that’s crazy – I’m a relationship coach! But I do happen to be human. It wasn’t that I’d meant to stuff it. At first it was too painful to talk about. Every time I tried I’d end up in tears and then get flustered and couldn’t make my points and he’d get mad because we had a good and loving relationship so he thought we should have been able to move on -and I agreed. So I stuffed it.
Years past and it didn’t rear it’s ugly head anymore – except when it did. I was going to say it was only because current circumstances seemed to mimic what had happened. I wasn’t mad but the pain felt a little raw so I’m sure hormones and other factors also played into it. Fortunately, being a relationship coach, I did realize that trying talk through it when I was feeling the pain was a terrible idea, so I waited for an opportune time. To him it seemed odd. We hadn’t dug up old stuff in years – we just don’t do that because we’ve forgiven and given most things a proper burial.
But this one thing . . .
So, one evening when we were dreaming together I caught myself backing up very quickly because a wave of fear swept over me and I knew it was the right time to bring it up.
Another thing I’ve learned is that prefacing sensitive conversations with the intention helps tremendously so I told him I needed to talk about something before I could dream freely. I told him I wanted to be confident that we could move into this new phase of life on the same page and know for certain that we would work through differences by communicating openly. I let him know that my intention for the conversation was to give me the security and confidence I needed for us to have the best relationship possible. While he still wasn’t excited to have the conversation he understood the importance.
It wasn’t an easy conversation but by prefacing it with my intention and expressing how I was hurt rather than accusing him we were able to work through it pretty quickly. Funny thing is, there wasn’t a lot of forgiving to do. Just hearing how he viewed what had happened acknowledging both his part and mine gave me the assurance that we were on the same page. Finally it could be laid to rest permanently.
No couple will ever agree on everything and there may always be sadness around some issues, but wounds that fester and are buried do not die quickly. These memories hurt our relationship. They need to be laid to rest properly and permanently. It takes two mature people who love each other deeply and are committed to a good and growing relationship to tend to old wounds. If you’re not there, don’t rush it. The last thing you want is more damage done.
One way to test the waters to see if your relationship mature enough to handle tending to old wounds is to preface your conversation with your pure motives and see how it flies.
For me, I knew that I couldn’t dream about certain things with him or entertain ideas that were even remotely close to looking like the situation that our unresolved issued was around. I was afraid that a nightmare would creep in and steel the dream again. I wanted us to acknowledge that without intentionality it could happen again. And I wanted assurance that we would be make our relationship more important than the dream.
A demand for a confession or forgiveness is never helpful, so don’t go there even if that is what you think you need. Instead ask yourself, what is the benefit I want from talking about this issue? And proceed with confidence and sensitivity. Another day may be a better choice. Choosing your time wisely will help ensure the outcome you desire.