Author: Suzette Parker

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Dave & Suzette’s Story

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My husband and I have a healthy marriage, but that has not always been the case.

With our 27th anniversary quickly approaching we’ve had our fair share of ups and downs but two of our downs have been bad – real bad! 
I tell you our story (with permission :)) because: I want you to know that if your marriage isn’t what you want it to be – we can relate! And more importantly, to give you hope.  

Miserable would be a good way to describe us. It lasted a couple of years, back in the mid 90’s. I’m not proud of it, but it was so awful I threatened to leave. I said I didn’t want a divorce but I was leaving unless things changed – immediately. I would not advise this, but I told him that he had less than a week to figure some things out or I was on a plane and would not return until he had. He was shocked but knew I was serious. Things changed. It was a slow process, but once I saw him making an effort my patience was restored. No doubt, I had some changing to do myself but I didn’t know it then. Most of my changing came years later! Poor guy!

The next decade was great. Then it happened again. Who knows what triggered it, but we derailed off a lovely track. We sought help – together. This time it was him who was fearful that we might not make it. We worked hard and both grew individually and as a couple, but it was our individual growth that reignited the romance and fun and provided the strength and security that we had jeopardized. 

After a few months of healing some wounds our sessions stalled out. We began talking about the same things from week to week with no new growth. Dave finally said, “If we are going to continue getting professional help we need to find a coach to help us move from good to great.”  

We didn’t know of any Relationship Coaches back then, so we just decided to apply the skills I’d learned in coaching to ‘us’. It worked so well I wanted to try it out on others and became certified.

Being instrumental in taking relationships from good to great is wonderful but walking hand in hand with couples who are on the court room steps back to the arms of a loving spouse is more fulfilling than any job I can imagine. 

The end of our story to date is …..  “and they lived happily ever after.” 

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Infected by Other’s Bad Moods?

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It’s crazy to think about. Whether at the office, at home, or even at a social event, one person’s demeanor often sets the tone and determines the atmosphere for all.

When the strongest personality or one in authority is struck with negativity, their bad mood can be like a super bug.  It is likely to infect everyone they come in contact with and the recovery process can be terribly difficult. It takes some super supplements to ward off the infection! I wish there were a pill that gave us mood immunity, but it takes a lot more effort than popping a pill!  

I never liked the word ‘boundaries.’ For some reason it had a negative connotation in my mind, until I realized that it was my lack of them that was causing me to have low immunity to other’s moods. Now that I’ve accepted that they are necessary, I like to think of them like the outer walls and foundation of a structure. Before anyone creates boundaries for themselves it’s a good idea to think about, and plan what they want it (their life) to look like just as you would do if you were building a building. If a responsible builder knows he is in an earthquake zone he plans accordingly. If I know that a family member, co-worker or friend has been smitten with the bad mood bug I must plan accordingly.

One of the main pieces of the frame of my life has been a determination to build it in such a way that it is unshakable. Like an earthquake proof building I’ve withstood most of the storms of life, but there’s been more damage that needed repair by people in bad moods than I’d like! Bad mood immunity is one type of storm that, for me, takes constant reinforcement. I’ve had to figure out what kinds of supplements keep my boundaries strong. It’s taken effort and perseverance to figure out what I need.

If your immune system is weak when it comes to being in contact with people in bad moods, I challenge you to do the work. Figure out which boundaries need strengthening and then get yourself the right supplements to keep them strong.

Fortunately the Bad Mood bug is NOT a super bug. The antidote has just not been discovered by all.

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Blog Blunder

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My last blog ‘Tips For Finding Joy in Life and Relationships’ made me cringe when I reread it. Nothing too terribly embarrassing, just an oversight which exposed me.

I suggested some ideas for helping folks who are depressed rise up out of that lonely place. I must acknowledge that I realize it is ridiculous to think a truly depressed person would read my blog and think, “oh that’s a good idea, I think I’ll try that!” I want to make it clear that I know doing anything to help yourself when you are depressed is very difficult. If you are depressed or know someone who is, you probably laughed at my suggestion. I accept that! I laughed too.

My hope is that you, if you know someone who struggles with depression, would come along side them. . . maybe you could ask them what they have planned that they are looking forward to. . . or maybe you could sit down and map out a few things over the next week or month. (Refer to my last post if this is unclear.)

If you struggle with depression yourself, my hope is that you would take one small step in making yourself smile. It’s so hard to remember, and these may be hard words to hear, but the truth is that no one has the power YOU have to make YOU smile. We can try all day everyday but until you make some effort, it won’t happen. You don’t have to plan a whole month’s worth of activities as I suggested. You might just start a list of things you enjoy – even if you can only think of one or two things at first. Or you might just DO something today. I hope one of the things you will do is pray, but here again, prayer is not a magic pill, we still have to make an effort.

I am not a therapist or psychologist and make no claims of that nature. What I know is from life experiences, from God and from my incredibly great coach training – namely from Laurie Hubbs  and Christopher McCluskey.

I am convinced now more than ever that almost everyone of us struggle with negativity and many with depression from time to time. I am also firmly convicted that we, with God’s help, and much perseverance, have the power to change our thinking patterns.

Finding support is a great first step. If you are ready to get to work, coaching might be just what you need. I won’t listen to the same old story more than once or twice, so don’t call if you just want to complain or blame. However, if you are ready to get to work, it will be a rewarding journey. When you are ready to embark on that journey, my number is 425-269-4806.

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Tip For Finding Joy in Life and Relationships

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I had so much fun with my cohort Laurie Hardie hanging out, talking and prepping to host ‘Live From Seattle’ that it got me thinking about how much good it does a soul to have fun.  

When I say fun, I just mean doing something enjoyable. Something you look forward to with a smile on your face…. something you want to do and you will be glad you did.

I intended for this post to concentrate on relationships and how fun times together can move us into more rewarding relationships but I have to start with addressing individuals because it takes a healthy person to have a healthy relationship.  That’s not to say Relationship Coaching doesn’t work with unhealthy individuals, it can – it just takes a slightly different approach.  

Depression is very very common. If you struggle with it, here is one simple step that can help. Plan to have fun. I’d suggest planning something little every day, something a little bigger weekly and something really fun at least once a month. If you immediately think ‘I don’t have money so this won’t work for me’, you’re wrong! Learning to enjoy, relish and appreciate the little things helps bring life back to a dark soul. The daily kinds of things might be having a cup of tea with your daughter or taking an indulgently long hot shower after a good workout or dusting off and playing your guitar again. 

Just taking the time to think about and put them on your calendar helps us really be present in the experience and cherish the moments.  Whether or not you have money, if you think you can only have wonderful experiences when your spending money, I want to challenge you to get creative and return to the things that really matter and plan things that take little to no money. Often this very act will help re-frame your thinking and get you back into a place of joy.

Struggling relationships are often revitalized by fun. Playful activities that both parties enjoy can take the edge off  being together. If you are in a really bad place, you might want to be sure that there is not a long car ride involved the first time you try this. The more often you are able to make these enjoyable moments/hours occur the better. Just make sure the activities stay untainted from ugly behavior. What often happens is that the more fun times that are incorporated into the relationship the less tension there is regarding other issues and healthier communication begins to flow. 

Give it a whirl and remember having fun, on a regular basis, does a world of good for a darkened soul!

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Feeling Robbed, Cheated or Deprived of Precious Time?

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Negative thinking creeps in fast especially when we feel robbed, cheated or deprived. But allowing this feeling to persist only weakens us and makes us more vulnerable to the attack of the thief!

While some people struggle because of demanding work schedules, others feel robbed because they are compelled to deal with situations and circumstances not of their choosing. Still others feel cheated because of needy people.

Deciding how you want to spend your time is the first step to fighting the time bandits. This can be a tricky and heady conversation. Heady in the sense that it may be one “Tending to upset the mind or balance of the senses.”

For many giving creedence to what they can’t control and taking responsiblity of their own values, responses, actions and feelings is tough. If you are not clear on these, that is the first place to start. Assuming you already have a good grasp on that, this simple process helps fight the time bandit and bring victory.

Unlike physical robbery, the thief can only steal a days worth of time, or a days worth of peace. It may take more than a day to get your security system in order, but with a little research and proper installation/utilization, he won’t keep stealing for long!

3 Steps for Combatting The Time Bandit
1.Determine what is causing the feeling of loss. Ask “what specifically has the thief stolen?” Write everything down.

2.Consider what security you currently have in place to keep the bandit from stealing again? He will return, so what is it you will put in place to deter him? If you don’t know, where will you start your research? ADT, Front Point and Home Depot all have good options for securing your home. It’s time to explore the options for securing your heart. Much better to lose your possessions than waste your life feeling robbed, cheated or deprived.

3. After determining your security system look back at #1 to be sure you’ve covered all your bases. Then get to work installing the security system for your heart.

I’d love to hear your stories! Please take a minute and comment here.