Author: Suzette Parker

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Perspective Changes Everything!

20140628_185831Through the eyes of a cassa nova, I look like this? I was in Italy – but really?  What I found out later is that it takes more time to draw wrinkles! I guess we didn’t pay enough to get reality so I look like I’m a 20 – nice!! Although, I don’t think I was ever quite that pretty but…. if you want to see me as youthful and beautiful, I guess I won’t complain. Ok, back to reality.

What is REALLY TELLING is that even through the lens of the photographer I look WAY better in the picture above than in the picture below.

It’s SIMPLY THE ANGLE from which he’s chosen to view me.

20140628_183437Suddenly I’ve gained 40 pounds, have scary eyes and an evil smile. Click the photo to enlarge it if you don’t see what I mean.

These untouched photos and portrait are perfect examples of how important it is to choose your angle carefully when looking at people.

Just like our physical appearance is dependent on the angle from which we are viewed, our character can also be viewed from various angles. We all hope to be viewed through a rose colored lens so that people focus on the good and beautiful parts of our personality. Unfortunately critical people do not see us that way yet there’s little we can do about it so there is no point in spending time worrying about it or trying to shift their focus.

Everyone is free to choose the angle with which we view people. One thing that can change the way people view us is to view others with grace – even our critics. Overlooking flaws and focussing on what is good in a person changes our relationships in incredibly positive ways. When we focus on the good we feel differently towards them which changes our behavior and almost invariably strengthens the relationship. Further, when we are less critical, we have more energy and our ability to positively influence the world grows.

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Our REactions Reveal What’s in Our Head & Heart

Screen Shot 2013-11-14 at 12.02.23 PM“The remarkable thing is I have a choice every day of what my attitude will be. I cannot change my past. I cannot change the actions of others. I cannot change the inevitable. The only thing I can change is attitude. Life is ten percent what happens to me and ninety percent how I react to it.” ― Charles R. Swindoll

Multiple credible sources say that life is 90% about our reactions. If that is so, it behooves us to learn to react in ways that are beneficial. To do that we have to decide ahead of time who we are because reactions come from that deep place. They may be flippant and short lived, or drawn out for months or years. . . but the truth is a reaction comes from what we believe in our hearts and in our heads.

Years ago, I reacted to a friends cutting accusations by reeling in hurt for far too long. The truth was she had seen right through me, but my pride kept me from realizing it and owning up to what she was getting at. My intent was mostly pure. I wanted to help. Had I been forthright and acknowledged the fact that she was right – I did believe she needed help because she was inadequate (ouch), things might have been completely different. Instead of lovingly saying, you are right, ‘I do think you are deficient, we are all inadequate in some areas – that’s why we live in community,’ I reacted with an uncalled for amount of hurt.

I’m not excusing her words – it was an attack and even upon my apology she ridiculed me telling me I was acting like an adolescent. But that is not the point.

The truth was, not only did I truly want to offer my help because I knew that my education had given me tools she did not have, I wanted her approval because she had status within our community and I believed she held power. Sadly, it took me a long time of reeling before I chose to examine my beliefs and change my reaction.

I know many a person, like me, who claim to believe that ‘all things work together for good’, or ‘everything happens for a reason’ but when things don’t go as planned they react in ways that that reflect quite the contrary. Why? Because they doubt the truth of what they say they believe.

If you are in the midst of a reaction that isn’t beneficial, I hope that you will not spend time letting the wound fester. I hope that you will re-examine your heart and your head and make the choice to change your reaction accordingly. As Swindoll says our attitude is something we can change.

If you have flippant, quick reactions that you are not proud of, I hope you too will get to the core of what is causing them – then do the work it takes to change your beliefs to what you know as right, truthful and beneficial for you and the world you influence.

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Saving Relationships – Step #10 – Do Something Different

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People who have great marriages will tell you that great marriages do not happen with out great effort. It takes creativity, intentionality, persistence and dedication to the process.  It may come naturally to a few, but most of us are acutely, maybe even painfully, aware of the effort it takes.

 


I hate to admit that I am one of those who is acutely and yes, sometimes painfully aware, of the effort I have to make. I’m sure it’s my selfishness and pride that get in the way of a natural, wonderful flow of life with my man but I’m just like everybody else – I get busy and focussed on other things and my marriage becomes a side note, even a bother at times.  I first realized this about myself when I felt relieved when he went out of town. Becoming aware that it was MY lack of effort causing me to feel distant was revolutionary! I finally owned my responsibility in that distance. I couldn’t believe how differently I felt about him when I started putting “us” in a higher priority…. I’d always thought I felt distant because HE wasn’t prioritizing “us.”

I’ve learned that when I take responsibility, my perspective changes greatly. So what to do? How do you change your perspective? Changing what your doing helps.

One of my mottos for life that has served me very well: When something isn’t working – (or isn’t working as well as I’d like) – try something different.

You may have noticed that the Steps in this series do not necessarily build on each other. They are all separate thoughts and ideas and in no particular priority. To make the most of your marriage you may implement each one, but you may not. Relationships are even more unique than individuals because they combine the qualities of 2 people! You know your relationship better than anyone – so note what you’ve been doing, and try something different.

I try to remember what I say….“Be creative, be intentional, be consistent and be persistent. Your dedication to the process, regardless of the initial response, is key to your success.”

One of the reasons Relationship Coaching is so effective is because coaching is tailored specifically to each unique relationship. Coaches have no set agenda or program except to work with you to strengthen your relationship. We enjoy being creative with you in developing an intentional plan of action. What ever path you choose for strengthening your relationship, I hope you will be dedicated, stick with it, and receive the same kind of wonderful blessings the couple I will tell you about in my next series of postings. A true story of transformation.

All the best to you as you put your best efforts into making your marriage great.

Step #10   
Do something different.                                                                                             Be creative, be intentional, be consistent and be persistent.
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Saving Relationships – Step #8 – Confrontation vs. Conversation

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The messages from well meaning leadership gurus on how to develop ourselves as people has been somewhat confusing.

 

We’ve all heard things like:
-Assert yourself or you’ll never get anywhere.
-Don’t avoid conflict 

-When there is a problem confront things head on

– Do what is necessary to get the problem solved


For today, let’s just talk about confrontations.                  In business it is necessary. If you manage people or are interested in growing a business problems must be addressed and corrected. Good leaders know that approaching an issue rather the person’s character produces the best results – the problem gets fixed and no damage is done to the relationship.  Why is it that in families we fail at this?!  I recently had a client whose wife told him that if he treated her like he did his employees they wouldn’t have any problems! How sad, but he agreed it was true.Leaders, like my client, almost always do a little mental prep before they act. . . thinking about what they want the outcome to be and the best approach for the fasted resolve.  They know that getting people’s feelings involved will only draw out the process and make the situation messier.  Therefore they allow time to hear about the situation from the other’s perspective. They listen attentively and help them both stay focussed on the goal. If we could apply this technique with our loved ones we’d all be a lot happier.

Think this approach in marriage (or families) is cold and manipulative? I’d ask you to give it a try.  Attacking someone’s character might feel good in the moment, but it leaves lasting scars and does nothing to help resolve issues.  If you’d like the outcome to be that of harmony -treating each other with respect, listening attentively and staying focussed on the issue at hand is a great approach. So next time you are feeling the need for a confrontation, try confronting the issue but conversing with the person.

What if we reserved the word “confrontation” for how we deal with issues or problematic situations? Maybe by changing our mindset we could more easily have a nice, polite yet beneficial conversation?

Step #8 -Confront Issues – Politely Converse with People

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Saving Relationships – Step #7 – Not Feeling Loved?

For years I felt like if my husband really loved me 
he would not leave his clothes and shoes 
all over the house. 
It made me want to scream!

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I finally decided I would deal with the clothes because they were mostly left in our bedroom or bathroom…but not the shoes! No way – they landed everywhere! Sometimes I would trip on them which made me mad. This is embarrassingly immature but I often wished I would break my arm or something terrible so he would feel bad and learn his lesson! I can’t believe I just admitted that – haha
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I have no idea what triggered the changed in me, but finally, I realized how ridiculous my thoughts were.  How could I be so silly? Why couldn’t I just accept his love the way he showed love? Why did I set up this rule for myself……  
“I refuse to feel loved if you don’t put your shoes away.”   This may seem trivial, but I want you to know, my rule could have easily ruined us because you know what? Those thoughts led to a zillion other negative thoughts.I did my best….Early on I valiantly tried to teach him that every thing had a home.  Even in my irritation, he would make me laugh by telling me his shoes loved vacationing!  Amazing how humor takes the edge off our emotions. I just thank God I let go of that deadly rule – or I would have been choosing to be miserably unhappy to this day! He’s tons better now, but his shoes still go on vacation quite frequently.

Instead I now try to smile when I pick up his shoes and remember – I can let my rule ruin us or I can choose to accept him, and his love as he is able to give it.To my benefit, as I’ve accepted his gestures of love and chosen to cherish how he was trying, he has chosen to learn my love languages.

I can’t say I don’t ever feel irritated or let it put me in a bad mood – it still happens now and then but the rule has died. I don’t equate good housekeeping skills with love.

The bigger picture is – I try not to judge his heart through the lens of my expectations.

So you name it…… what’s your beef? What rule have you set up that’s detrimental to your relationship?  Are you willing to let go of the rule for the sake of your relationship?

Step #7 – Stop equating rules with love.

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This quote is from
John Wesely, 
not Jesus! 
Bummer!