Category: Contentment

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Tips For Finding Joy in Life and Relationships

Screen Shot 2013-11-13 at 2.56.58 PMI had so much fun with my cohort Laurie Hardie hanging out, talking and prepping to host ‘Live From Seattle’ that it got me thinking about how much good it does a soul to have fun.

When I say fun, I just mean doing something enjoyable. Something you look forward to with a smile on your face…. something you want to do and you will be glad you did.

I intended for this post to concentrate on relationships and how fun times together can move us into more rewarding relationships but I have to start with addressing individuals because it takes a healthy person to have a healthy relationship. That’s not to say Relationship Coaching doesn’t work with unhealthy individuals, it can – it just takes a slightly different approach.

Depression is very very common. If you struggle with it, here is one simple step that can help. Plan to have fun. I’d suggest planning something little every day, something a little bigger weekly and something really fun at least once a month. If you immediately think ‘I don’t have money so this won’t work for me’, you’re wrong! Learning to enjoy, relish and appreciate the little things helps bring life back to a dark soul. The daily kinds of things might be having a cup of tea with your daughter or taking an indulgently long hot shower after a good workout or dusting off and playing your guitar again.

Just taking the time to think about and put them on your calendar helps us really be present in the experience and cherish the moments. Whether or not you have money, if you think you can only have wonderful experiences when your spending money, I want to challenge you to get creative and return to the things that really matter and plan things that take little to no money. Often this very act will help reframe your thinking and get you back into a place of joy.

Struggling relationships are often revitalized by fun. Playful activities that both parties enjoy can take the edge off being together. If you are in a really bad place, you might want to be sure that there is not a long car ride involved the first time you try this. The more often you are able to make these enjoyable moments/hours occur the better. Just make sure the activities stay untainted from ugly behavior. What often happens is that the more fun times that are incorportated into the relationship the less tension there is regarding other issues and healthier communication begins to flow.

Give it a whirl and remember having fun, on a regular basis, does a world of good for a darkened soul!

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Dave & Suzette’s Story

weddingCake_1424403cMy husband and I have a healthy marriage, but that has not always been the case.

With our 27th anniversary quickly approaching we’ve had our fair share of ups and downs but two of our downs have been bad – real bad!

I tell you our story (with permission :)) because: I want you to know that if your marriage isn’t what you want it to be – we can relate! And more importantly, to give you hope.

Miserable would be a good way to describe us. It lasted a couple of years, back in the mid 90’s. I’m not proud of it, but it was so awful I threatened to leave. I said I didn’t want a divorce but I was leaving unless things changed – immediately. I would not advise this, but I told him that he had less than a week to figure some things out or I was on a plane and would not return until he had. He was shocked but knew I was serious. Things changed. It was a slow process, but once I saw him making an effort my patience was restored. No doubt, I had some changing to do myself but I didn’t know it then. Most of my changing came years later! Poor guy!

The next decade was great. Then it happened again. Who knows what triggered it, but we derailed off a lovely track. We sought help – together. This time it was him who was fearful that we might not make it. We worked hard and both grew individually and as a couple, but it was our individual growth that reignited the romance and fun and provided the strength and security that we had jeopardized.

After a few months of healing some wounds our sessions stalled out. We began talking about the same things from week to week with no new growth. Dave finally said, “If we are going to continue getting professional help we need to find a coach to help us move from good to great.”

We didn’t know of any Relationship Coaches back then, so we just decided to apply the skills I’d learned in coaching to ‘us’. It worked so well I wanted to try it out on others and became certified.

Being instrumental in taking relationships from good to great is wonderful but walking hand in hand with couples who are on the court room steps back to the arms of a loving spouse is more fulfilling than any job I can imagine.

The end of our story to date is ….. “and they lived happily ever after.”

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Is Your Shadow Haunting You?

shadowpersonsWhen the sun is shining on you your shadow falls behind you so it generally goes unnoticed. Occasionally if you look to the side you may catch a glimpse of it in your peripheral vision but rarely do you wring your head around and stare at it, yet it follows you wherever you go.

When we are headed in the direction we desire it feels good, like a warm sunshiny day. The path is graced with things that make our heart smile and we are excited to reach our destination. We are energized, our thoughts are clear and we are not distracted by our shadow. It is always with us but it has no power to hold us back or cause us to second guess the direction we’ve chosen.

Most children go through a phase where they are fascinated with their shadow. Some kiddos try to jump into it, others try desperately to grab hold of it and some try to run away from it. So it is in life. Our past is like our shadow – it will always be there following us. We cannot jump back into it for a re-do, we can’t hold onto it trying to keep it alive, nor can we run away from it. It is just there. Our life resembles it’s shape, but it has no power. Like a child who obsesses over their shadow, many of us obsess over our past yet we can’t move forward until we stop looking back. It serves us well to acknowledge it’s existence so that when we catch a glimpse of it in our peripheral vision it doesn’t scare us – we just laugh at ourselves when we realize our shadow scared us for a second!

The difficult thing about the shadow stories of our past is that they create beliefs, many of which are subconscious beliefs. These beliefs are often warped by our unpleasant experiences. It may be easy to let go of our past but it is far more difficult to change the belief it created. We often don’t realize where the belief came from. As a coach, I do not work with people analyzing the past. It can take years of psychotherapy and in some cases people have unknowingly created false memories in an effort to understand themselves. In coaching we let the past be what it is – over.

Thank God we have the choice to change the shape of our shadow! Every day we create a little piece of history that will follow us the rest of our lives. While altering our hairstyle or losing/gaining weight can make our physical shadow drastically different, every choice we make in life has the potential for creating new beliefs.

Pondering who we are and what we believe can be empowering because subconscious beliefs rise to the surface. By noting what they are, we have the power to embrace or denounce them. (This is where coaching can be helpful.)

What are your shadow stories and what beliefs have they created that hinder you? Do you identify with any of these?

Common Shadow Stories and the Beliefs They Can Perpetuate: 

* Shadow Story: I thought I had a happy family but my parents divorced as soon as I moved out. Belief: People just pretend to be happily married.

* Shadow Story: “I was brought up in a poor family and saw my rich relatives act condescendingly toward my parents.” Subconscious Belief: “Wealth makes people arrogant snobs so I want nothing to do with rich people and I certainly don’t wan’t to be one.”

* Shadow Story – “My mom had an affair shortly after she lost 40lbs.” Subconscious Belief – “My husband loves me just the way I am. If I lost weight I would be attractive to other men and could be tempted to have an affair.”

* Shadow Story – “My dad owned and operated a thriving business and mom stayed at home.” Belief: “I can’t go back to work because my husband would have to pick up the slack at home and I want his career to thrive. Plus, my kids need me at home. It’s for the best – no one knows I hate every minute of being a housewife.”

* Shadow Story – My grandmother raised me, and had a career while my grandpa and mom did nothing. Mom and grandpa drank too much but they never worried about much either. Grandma was always stressed out and angry. Belief – I don’t want to be stressed out all the time so if I do have to work it’s going to be an easy job – not a full blown career.

*Shadow Story – My parents had great careers but spoke negatively about people who were more successful than they. Belief – I can’t be more successful than my parents or I’ll lose their approval.

You may not identify with any of these Shadow Stories, or, maybe you do, but your belief is different. The point is we all have a past that has shaped us and we have adopted beliefs that do not serve us well.

Realizing that my choices today will tomorrow be the history that shapes me help me put a better perspective on today. As adults our circumstances are largely determined by our choices and/or our response to uncontrollable circumstances. We get to choose what we believe.

Thinking about how we think if overdone makes us crazy! However, it is extremely helpful to recognize the lies we believe so that we can retrain our brains with truth, putting our past behind us like our shadow on a sunshiny day.

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Book Review – Magnificent Mind At Any Age by Dr. Daniel Amen

magnificent-mind_packageI read the book, Magnificent Mind At Any Age by Dr. Daniel Amen, a year or so ago, but return to it frequently to validate what I think I remember. It is a wealth of information on how the brain functions and how we can either care for it and enjoy the benefits or pretend we have no control over it and reap the consequences. He says it’s important to acquire skills for living life to the fullest and that ‘natural supplements, diet, exercise, and thinking strategies’ are vitally important to our brain’s health and our over all well being.

Dr. Amen, a clinical neuroscientist and psychiatrist began establishing clinics in 1989 “specializing in innovative diagnosis and treatment planning for a wide variety of behavior, emotional and cognitive problems for children, teenagers and adults.” What sets his clinics apart is their extensive research. “His clinics have the world’s largest database of brain images related to behavior.” He is recognized world wide as a leading authority and has authored numerous books.

Amen’s work has shed light on many misconceptions of ‘modern’ psychology. For many years doctors and therapists have promoted the idea that we are not in control of our emotions or, we can’t help how we feel. He has proven that feelings and emotions are the direct result of what we choose to think. Because we do have control of what we think, it follows that we are also responsible for our feelings. I find it interesting that the proverb, “As a man thinks in his heart, so is he,” has been proven true with the latest scientific research!

For more about Dr. Amen’s findings and how they relate to coaching, sign up for my newsletter and see the article: “What Makes Change So Hard? Scientifically Speaking – Our Brains!” contact me on face book, or email me at coachsuzette@gmail.com if you’d like to receive it.

His you tube videos are a bit dry but worth watching if you’re into this stuff.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3tI1UEPrYkE

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Desiring Growth?

Some say that the desire for growth is always rooted in dissatisfaction, I beg to differ. I may be odd, but dissatisfaction rarely inspires me. Initially I feel a bit down, negative and stuck, whereas contentment gives me freedom. I realize that I’m not stuck! Unhindered by negativity, I have the clear frame of mind to look at all the options, think out of my box without pressure, and remember to keep my eyes open for new ideas and possibilities   Dissatisfaction blinds me.

growthDesiring growth is a human phenomenon.  Throughout childhood we look forward to the next phase of life marking milestones and marking walls by the quarter inch.  Once our full stature is reached we continue to look ahead still marking milestones with graduations, marriage, children, careers and accomplishing goals – until we stop, or die.

When I believe dissatisfaction is a good foundation for growth I tend to focus on the negative and that leads me in a path I’d rather not travel. Often the first negative thought is not nearly as bleak as the next, nor that one as hopeless as the one that follows – it’s a downward spiral. Worse yet, dissatisfaction wells up in me a need to blame.  Blaming myself doesn’t help me any more than blaming you or even the circumstances.

Desiring growth, movement or change is not a choice – we are human – it is what we do. Cultivating contentment is a choice that God intends for us to make. When we choose to be grateful and live with a real sense of peace, our eyes are unveiled to possibilities that are veiled when we are dissatisfied.  Untainted by negativity we make healthy, wise decisions and fulfill the longing that never dies – growth.

Besides all that, contentment is way more fun!!  Not to mention the fact that we are called to be content.  We know God doesn’t intend for us to stagnate so I’m quite certain he wouldn’t call us to contentment if that is where it led.  Wanna grow?  Try contentment.  I’ve been so very blessed when that is the choice I’ve made.