Category: Saving Relationships

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Saving Relationships – Step#2

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Okay – this isn’t a secret.  Everyone seems to know that human touch is crucial for human development.  We’ve heard this statistic:  “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” —Virginia Satir – Family Therapist (1916-1988)

But did you know that human touch is crucial for relationship development and is a crucial step for saving a relationship? I’m not talking about sex or even sexual advances.  I’m talking a loving kiss on the forehead, a gentle caress of the cheek, a caring back or foot rub, a knowing squeeze of the hand – you get the idea. These are things appropriate for your kids, your parents and YES your spouse.  If this seems like a ridiculous suggestion, think again.  It is admittedly a small step, but you have to admit, if your relationship is in a mess, it probably happened a little at a time. 

                              So let’s give the little steps a chance!
The cool thing about this step is that it’s unlikely you’re going to get back handed – if you do, you need serious help!!  The usual response when this is not your normal M.O.  is a look of disbelief or bewilderment – but after a week of taming your tongue, it may be welcomed.  If not. . . if it is not warmly received – not to worry.  Just try again every couple of hours until it is your normal M.O.                                                                                 

Step #2: Make being affectionate your normal M.O.

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Saving Relationships – Step #1

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Being Sweet

I’ve known a little secret for a long time, but only recently have I       (in my conscious mind) applied it to relationships.  When I read an article that was titled something like “Save Your Marriage – Stop Talking About Your Problems” by Mert Fertel I realized…..”but of course, – this little secret works to heal hurting, and even dying,  relationships”  (although I have to admit when I first read the title I thought whaaat?) But then I realized – it’s what I do, what I believe and it’s what coaching is all about!! It’s the path I take whenever I’m ready to move forward because it ALWAYS works.


So what is IT? What’s my little secret?It’s simply “forgetting what lies behind and pressing on toward the goal,” or as the article put it, stop talking about the past so you can get on with a better future.

You may say, “yeah right – you have no idea how messed up our life is! That is simply not possible.”  And I would say, “if that is what you truly believe and that is where you WANT to stay, then your doubts will be your truth.” However, if you can bring yourself to say “I don’t want this marriage — as it is — but I want this marriage.  I want our relationship to be fun and full of love, trust, mutual admiration, understanding, encouragement, fun, romance, team parenting, perseverance, connectedness, fun, team decision making, intimacy, fun, listening, adoration, respect. . .”  AND you’re willing to give some whole hearted effort into something different then THERE IS HOPE!

If you are in a relationship that is suffering (this works for all kinds of relationships – not just marriages) try this:  For Now – stop talking about what’s wrong.  To fill that conversation gap – dig deep and find something really kind to say – it does wonders. No backtracking though – be strong.  Say it and mean it – regardless of the possible sarcastic response.  Just remember mama knows best and didn’t she always say – if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.

Step #1:  Don’t rehash stuff.  Instead say nice things.

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Testimonies – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #12

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Tina’s Testimony:
“Calling Suzette was a last ditch effort. We’d been miserable for years and I was done. Something had to give. He was looking for apartments and that was fine with me. I don’t know why I called her. I guess I knew in my heart of hearts (because I’d done coaching in the past) that things could be different. I had no idea how different! I am more in love with Tim than ever. He’s been out of a job and we finished with coaching months ago, but we are still doing great. It’s like we we got 
reprogrammed.”

Tim’s Testimony:
“I dreaded the thought of coaching. What I didn’t know is that it would be all about making changes. Little by little we changed the way we communicated and we changed our habits. It was the Action Steps that changed our lives. At first I was skeptical. We’d paid for so much counseling through the years and we were still a mess. I agreed but didn’t expect much. I also wondered what it meant for us as a couple, did it mean we weren’t meant to be together, did it mean we were dysfunctional? I think it was really helpful to have Suzette listen and give a different perspective. She was also great about adapting to our personalities and what would 
work for us, not just a formula from a book.   

 I learned a lot about my wife, things I never knew before. Suzette also helped us communicate in ways we had never thought of before. I learned that my assessment of who I was and what I thought was not as accurate as I thought. I learned how to open myself up, and I am much more self aware about my reactions and interactions with not only my wife, but also with others. I was surprised how much Suzette helped us as people, in addition to helping our relationship. I am a better person in many facets of my life, not to mention a better husband.
I absolutely would recommend Suzette. Her kind ear and creative mind really can help everyone for any type of goal you may have to improve your life. It wasn’t all skipping through the daises. Some days I wanted to throw in the towel. I really felt like she put in the effort to personalize her actions towards us as individuals. No matter what it is, I think Suzette can help you reach your goals.” 

I want to publicly thank you, Tim & Tina, for allowing me to tell your stories. Your transformation has been truly miraculous to witness. Thank you for allowing me to play a part.  I hope and pray that other lives, families and marriages will be restored because of you.

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Wrap Up – Tim & Tina #11

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On the edge of the cliff of divorce back in January of 2012, Tim and Tina called me to see if I thought there was any hope. We did approx. 6 months of coaching. 
I then started blogging about them in September and have written 10 posts to give you an idea of the varied issues we addressed.

Because there are so many other success stories to tell, not to mention the random thoughts I’d like to share, I think I’m done blogging about Tim and Tina. 🙂

While I’m aware that my blog posts do not really show how coaching works, I hope they give you a glimpse of how effective it can be for those who are willing to engage in the process and hope that they have shown that very few things are non coachable.  You should know that mental illness, serious abuse and real addictions are not within the realm of my training or expertise.

If you have questions about coaching, don’t hesitate to call me.  References are also available.

Their testimonies next week.

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Betrayal = Emergency Call – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #10

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Late one evening my phone rang. I recognized the number so I answered. Tim and Tina were both on the line. “I feel so betrayed!” Tina sobbed.  My mind raced.

She couldn’t speak so Tim blurted out, “I started smoking again. I haven’t smoked in years, but I don’t know…. losing my job- yeah, well she caught me”  pause “and this is exactly why I keep things from her!!!”

 

Tina gained composure (sort of) and shared about how well they’d been doing but this was a “big fat lie and she was not going to live with a liar!“  She cried but continued, “If only he’d been honest things would be so different!  He could have just told me – that would have been so much better.”  Tim didn’t buy it. Until now, Tim said he honestly thought that hiding this embarrassing habit was protecting everyone. He certainly didn’t want their little girl Tessa to know!

Tina admitted that over reacting was sometimes an issue. Flippantly I challenged her to think about what her reaction would have been had he simply announced that he had resumed this nasty habit.  It was an unexpected call and I’m not sure I was on my best game as a coach, but we worked through it and then worked on a plan for creating a safe place for all things, good and bad, to be shared.

The next morning I got a “Spot Call” from Tina.  I told her I thought I’d been a little hard on her, but she wouldn’t hear it. She told me she needed to be challenged. Phew! She said that they talked about their plan for dealing with similar situations in the future.  He vowed to take the risk.  In the future he would tell her he was going to be vulnerable despite his fears. She vowed that upon hearing these words she would listen and respond appropriately.

Next week I’ll wrap up Tim and Tina’s story with a couple of final issues we dealt with. Then their testimonies! Can’t wait for those 🙂