Category: Saving Relationships

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What is Engagement Coaching?

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Engagement coaching is more than pre-marital coaching.  It can include sessions with the wedding party and sessions with the future in-laws.

Engagement coaching is somewhat different than pre-marital counseling in that we spend the majority of  time determining the kind of marriage you want to create, then focus on how to make that happen.  We will acknowledge your experiences as children and the models you each grew up with, but recognize that you have the choice to create something similar to what you experienced, something completely different or something somewhere in between.  We will talk about building healthy marriage habits, his needs/her needs, the idea of parenting, dealing with in-laws and a lot more!

Many a couple has regrets about their wedding and/or the  surrounding events.  Excellent communication will often keep this from happening.
The coaching  sessions with the wedding party will give you the opportunity to share with your friends the vision you have for your special day and the atmosphere you hope, with their help, to create.  You, the bride and groom, can also use these sessions to communicate your expectations to each of the participants you have chosen. It will be a time where they can choose to accept the requests made or discuss them and/or re-negotiate their role.

The sessions with the future mother and father in laws are time to talk about wedding expectations, but more importantly set the tone for a healthy relationship well into the future.
As with all coaching, Engagement Coaching, is tailored to the unique needs and desires of each couple.  

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What Do You Love? Are You Sure?

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So what is it?  What do you love? What’s the first thing that comes to mind? Say it.  I mean it.  Say it.  Quietly if you must, but speak the words.  If a whole list of things come to mind you might want to write them down.

Being Valentine’s Day, many of us would say the name of our spouse, but maybe you said  ‘my kids’ or, . . . . because I asked “what” not “who” you may not have been thinking ‘people,’ but in my experience most of us think we love people or God more than anything else.  But is that true?

Today, Valentine’s Day, the world is encouraging you to do something nice for, and be extra sweet to, the one(s) you love.  Therefore, you’re probably feeling good about yourself! Let’s linger in that feeling so we don’t forget how good it feels to bestow love and honor. Doesn’t it feel gooood?

Here’s the challenge. Studies show that we always do what we love and pursue it because it is what we value. So let’s take a look at what we said we loved and our daily habits and see if they match up.

I’ll go first 🙂  The reality of  this challenge stung me pretty hard before I recognized it as truth.  I had to argue the point with myself  and, yes, with our marriage counselor before I had my “aha” – actually it was more like “ouch!!” Though it was a bit painful, it spurred on growth because it made me re-evaluate my behavior.  It wasn’t consistent with what I said. For me to be in integrity with myself I had to change one or the other. I chose to modify my behavior.

Your turn.  Does what you say match up with what you do and pursue on a regular basis? A good place to start is to ask yourself, “Do I get to linger in that feeling pretty often – knowing that what I did or how I behaved or interacted expressed love and honor to the one(s) I say I love?  If not, what is stealing your heart? A schedule that is too busy? A more intense desire to be “successful” than to have a good relationship? You name it.

I’m using this special occasion to challenge you because right now you are probably feeling good about your relationship. Taking note of how fantastic you feel when you do good and truly are on your best behavior is important.  We have pleasant interactions and life seems good. It isn’t fake. Life is good, or at least a ton better, when we are our best selves.

If you need some behavior modification, like I did,  what does it look like?

I’m thinking I may have a new resolution for 2013.  Maybe I’ll kiss my love and say Happy Valentine’s Day every morning- just so I remember to be my best self.

Hoping you make this day worth remembering!

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How to Strengthen Any Relationship

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Think about how you feel when someone asks you a question but they don’t listen to your response. Or when you are having a conversation with someone but when you begin speaking they are obviously less than engaged. It doesn’t feel good. Checking phones, or worse yet texting, looking back at the tv, interacting with a toddler are distractions that happen all too often. 

Learning to be a great listener is not that hard and it’s one of the best ways to strengthen relationships. Most of us are guilty of being less than great listeners, and need to be reminded of it’s importance.

We are busy people and great multi taskers – often at the expense of great relationships. It has been proven that it is not possible to multi-task with 2 streams of words. Forbes News Post writer Erika Anderson reports, “Your brain just can’t take in and process two simultaneous, separate streams of information and encode them fully into short-term memory. When information doesn’t make it into short-term memory, it can’t be transferred into long-term memory for recall later. If you can’t recall it, you can’t use it.”

Maybe you don’t mulit-task – good for you! Interrupting, thinking about our response, or analyzing/judging what is being said are other signals we are not listening well. These often stem from a good motive. We are listening, but we are more concerned with our role in the conversation than with the person, so we are thinking about what we will say next rather than listening with empathy and for understanding. When we begin to understand what they are saying and how they feel we know we’re on the right track. This doesn’t mean we have to agree with them or adopt their feelings – it just means we have and understanding of the content of their words and can see where their feelings are coming from.

Some conversations are simply for information, so the importance is about content, but not necessarily less important. Just yesterday my son told me where he was going and who he was going to be with. When he returned I asked him if he had a good time and he began telling me about it. I was stunned to realize I had not listened well. He was with an entirely different group of people than I had thought. I didn’t let on, but when I looked back at his texts, there was evidence he had told me, both verbally and by text who he was hanging out with!  In this case, no harm was done because he didn’t know – unless he is more perceptive than I think!  But generally, when we get information wrong that people have taken time to relay – they feel slighted and we have damaged our relationship. Writing this is convicting me. I am guilty way too often of not retaining this kind of information.

Whether it’s business, friends, family or acquaintances, relationships are what keep the world in harmony. Relationships blossom and grow when we respect each other enough to listen well.

Realizing the importance of good listening skills is the first step. There are many tools and tricks to help you, like eye contact, repeating back what was said, asking clarifying questions etc.  A google search will quickly pull up all kinds of articles if you need more ideas.

We all have the capacity to be good listeners and we become one when we begin valuing people more highly. When we place a greater value on our relationships we choose not to multi task and we have a desire to understand so we engage in their story and/or take interest in the informations that is being shared. This may mean we need a moment before we respond, but that is ok. Being quick to listen and slow to speak is wisdom from above!

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Unresolved Issues

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Wouldn’t you rather just avoid unresolved issues? Bringing them up can feel like we’re asking for a fight. However, unresolved issues that have caused wounds tend to raise their ugly head when new conflicts arise yet if we can keep our minds focussed on the current conflict, resolve to that issue comes much more quickly. Until past wounds have healed those memories will, more than likely, arise causing pain, uncertainty and unneceesary turmoil over current issues.

I recently took care of a 4 year old issue. I know, that’s crazy – I’m a relationship coach! But I do happen to be human. It wasn’t that I’d meant to stuff it. At first it was too painful to talk about. Every time I tried I’d end up in tears and then get flustered and couldn’t make my points and he’d get mad because we  had a good and loving relationship so he thought we should have been able to move on -and I agreed. So I stuffed it.

Years past and it didn’t rear it’s ugly head anymore – except when it did. I was going to say it was only because current circumstances seemed to mimic what had happened. I wasn’t mad but the pain felt a little raw so I’m sure hormones and other factors also played into it. Fortunately, being a relationship coach, I did realize that trying talk through it when I was feeling the pain was a terrible idea, so I waited for an opportune time. To him it seemed odd. We hadn’t dug up old stuff in years – we just don’t do that because we’ve forgiven and given most things a proper burial.
But this one thing . . .

So, one evening when we were dreaming together I caught myself backing up very quickly because a wave of fear swept over me and I knew it was the right time to bring it up.

Another thing I’ve learned is that prefacing sensitive conversations with the intention helps tremendously so I told him I needed to talk about something before I could dream freely. I told him I wanted to be confident that we could move into this new phase of life on the same page and know for certain that we would work through differences by communicating openly. I let him know that my intention for the conversation was to give me the security and confidence I needed for us to have the best relationship possible. While he still wasn’t excited to have the conversation he understood the importance. 

It wasn’t an easy conversation but by prefacing it with my intention and expressing how I was hurt rather than accusing him we were able to work through it pretty quickly. Funny thing is, there wasn’t a lot of forgiving to do. Just hearing how he viewed what had happened acknowledging both his part and mine gave me the assurance that we were on the same page. Finally it could be laid to rest permanently.

No couple will ever agree on everything and there may always be sadness around some issues, but wounds that fester and are buried do not die quickly. These memories hurt our relationship. They need to be laid to rest properly and permanently. It takes two mature people who love each other deeply and are committed to a good and growing relationship to tend to old wounds. If you’re not there, don’t rush it. The last thing you want is more damage done. 

One way to test the waters to see if your relationship mature enough to handle tending to old wounds is to preface your conversation with your pure motives and see how it flies. 

For me, I knew that I couldn’t dream about certain things with him or entertain ideas that were even remotely close to looking like the situation that our unresolved issued was around. I was afraid that a nightmare would creep in and steel the dream again. I wanted us to acknowledge that without intentionality it could happen again. And I wanted assurance that we would be make our relationship more important than the dream.

A demand for a confession or forgiveness is never helpful, so don’t go there even if that is what you think you need. Instead ask yourself, what is the benefit I want from talking about this issue? And proceed with confidence and sensitivity. Another day may be a better choice. Choosing your time wisely will help ensure the outcome you desire.

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Empowering Relationships At Every Level

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The term ‘designed alliance’ is commonly used to describe the way a coach and client pre frame their relationship. It is a conversation that empowers the client to be successful. In life, designed alliances can improve any relationship.

Despite the fact that clients are made well aware that their coach is ‘for’ them, every person’s background taints how they hear words. Therefore, a designed alliance can be of great benefit. This conversation usually happens prior to the first session however it can happen at anytime and is often modified as time goes by.

For example, if a client has heard flattery their whole life, they may request that if affirmation is given that it is specific. (fyi -non-specific accolades are poor coaching tactics but the client does not know that!) Or, they may alert me to a particularly sensitive area and request no challenges in that area until further notified. Or, they may offer ways that have effectively motivated them in the past when they’ve been stuck, resistant or faced fear.

If you’ve never designed an alliance before, don’t worry if it’s not perfect at first. Sometimes what we say we want has to be tweaked to make it work optimally. When you first notice that something isn’t working well and the relationship is faltering or just lacking, it’s a good time to reassess the alliance.

The concept is valuable in all kinds of relationships—romantic or business partnerships, friends, parent-child, etc… The client/coach relationship is one sided, but in other relationships a designed alliance is for the benefit of both parties. Imagine what it would be like if the intention of every one of your relationships was to encourage and empower one another. How would your life be different?

It is never too late to take action. Relationships are ever evolving and it takes the initiative of one for changes to be made. Getting some coaching may be the right choice if there is great suffering in the relationship and it is a relationship of great importance. However, if the relationship just needs some maintenance it may be as simple as sharing this article and suggesting creating a mutually beneficial alliance.

Though it is wonderful when both parties cooperate in designing the alliance, the most incredible transformations happen when you begin focussing on changing yourself – how you respond, not being easily offended, choosing to encourage and empower even if they are not holding up their end of the alliance etc….. Not only can your relationship be dramatically transformed, YOU will be dramatically transformed. It’s not easy when you are going it alone but when one person changes, the relationship is forced to change to accommodate the change of the one. When the change of the one is good, it almost invariably affects the relationship for good

The notion of creating an “alliance” instills the understanding that “we are in this together,” working to consciously design a successful experience for both individuals. For many years, my husband and I have used the phrase “I’m on your team” when we we’ve been at odds. It’a a great reminder of the alliance we made when we said our vows but also works well when a child, friend or co worker seem to think we are  not ‘for’ them. Rather than assigning blame as to why they are not hearing you as ‘for’ them (ie. they are in a bad mood, or allowing them to assign blame ie. it’s your tone of voice)  just the simple reminder, “I’m on your team” goes a long way.

What kind of alliances do you want with your children, friends, family and co workers? 

Marriage vows are one of the few relational alliances we utilize commonly in this country but are much too intimate for most relationships, however, thinking about them may help you see where your other relationships could grow. ie. maybe your children need to know, verbally, that you will always, no matter what, love them.  A conversation about your needs, their needs and the support you can offer one another is a great place to start – in any relationship. If that is just too uncomfortable you can go it alone.  By rising above your own initial reactions and becoming the person you want to be regardless of other’s behavior may be a slower road to relationship transformation but can still have have amazing results and empower your relationships at every level.