Category: Saving Relationships

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Dave & Suzette’s Story

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My husband and I have a healthy marriage, but that has not always been the case.

With our 27th anniversary quickly approaching we’ve had our fair share of ups and downs but two of our downs have been bad – real bad! 
I tell you our story (with permission :)) because: I want you to know that if your marriage isn’t what you want it to be – we can relate! And more importantly, to give you hope.  

Miserable would be a good way to describe us. It lasted a couple of years, back in the mid 90’s. I’m not proud of it, but it was so awful I threatened to leave. I said I didn’t want a divorce but I was leaving unless things changed – immediately. I would not advise this, but I told him that he had less than a week to figure some things out or I was on a plane and would not return until he had. He was shocked but knew I was serious. Things changed. It was a slow process, but once I saw him making an effort my patience was restored. No doubt, I had some changing to do myself but I didn’t know it then. Most of my changing came years later! Poor guy!

The next decade was great. Then it happened again. Who knows what triggered it, but we derailed off a lovely track. We sought help – together. This time it was him who was fearful that we might not make it. We worked hard and both grew individually and as a couple, but it was our individual growth that reignited the romance and fun and provided the strength and security that we had jeopardized. 

After a few months of healing some wounds our sessions stalled out. We began talking about the same things from week to week with no new growth. Dave finally said, “If we are going to continue getting professional help we need to find a coach to help us move from good to great.”  

We didn’t know of any Relationship Coaches back then, so we just decided to apply the skills I’d learned in coaching to ‘us’. It worked so well I wanted to try it out on others and became certified.

Being instrumental in taking relationships from good to great is wonderful but walking hand in hand with couples who are on the court room steps back to the arms of a loving spouse is more fulfilling than any job I can imagine. 

The end of our story to date is …..  “and they lived happily ever after.” 

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Blog Blunder

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My last blog ‘Tips For Finding Joy in Life and Relationships’ made me cringe when I reread it. Nothing too terribly embarrassing, just an oversight which exposed me.

I suggested some ideas for helping folks who are depressed rise up out of that lonely place. I must acknowledge that I realize it is ridiculous to think a truly depressed person would read my blog and think, “oh that’s a good idea, I think I’ll try that!” I want to make it clear that I know doing anything to help yourself when you are depressed is very difficult. If you are depressed or know someone who is, you probably laughed at my suggestion. I accept that! I laughed too.

My hope is that you, if you know someone who struggles with depression, would come along side them. . . maybe you could ask them what they have planned that they are looking forward to. . . or maybe you could sit down and map out a few things over the next week or month. (Refer to my last post if this is unclear.)

If you struggle with depression yourself, my hope is that you would take one small step in making yourself smile. It’s so hard to remember, and these may be hard words to hear, but the truth is that no one has the power YOU have to make YOU smile. We can try all day everyday but until you make some effort, it won’t happen. You don’t have to plan a whole month’s worth of activities as I suggested. You might just start a list of things you enjoy – even if you can only think of one or two things at first. Or you might just DO something today. I hope one of the things you will do is pray, but here again, prayer is not a magic pill, we still have to make an effort.

I am not a therapist or psychologist and make no claims of that nature. What I know is from life experiences, from God and from my incredibly great coach training – namely from Laurie Hubbs  and Christopher McCluskey.

I am convinced now more than ever that almost everyone of us struggle with negativity and many with depression from time to time. I am also firmly convicted that we, with God’s help, and much perseverance, have the power to change our thinking patterns.

Finding support is a great first step. If you are ready to get to work, coaching might be just what you need. I won’t listen to the same old story more than once or twice, so don’t call if you just want to complain or blame. However, if you are ready to get to work, it will be a rewarding journey. When you are ready to embark on that journey, my number is 425-269-4806.

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Tip For Finding Joy in Life and Relationships

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I had so much fun with my cohort Laurie Hardie hanging out, talking and prepping to host ‘Live From Seattle’ that it got me thinking about how much good it does a soul to have fun.  

When I say fun, I just mean doing something enjoyable. Something you look forward to with a smile on your face…. something you want to do and you will be glad you did.

I intended for this post to concentrate on relationships and how fun times together can move us into more rewarding relationships but I have to start with addressing individuals because it takes a healthy person to have a healthy relationship.  That’s not to say Relationship Coaching doesn’t work with unhealthy individuals, it can – it just takes a slightly different approach.  

Depression is very very common. If you struggle with it, here is one simple step that can help. Plan to have fun. I’d suggest planning something little every day, something a little bigger weekly and something really fun at least once a month. If you immediately think ‘I don’t have money so this won’t work for me’, you’re wrong! Learning to enjoy, relish and appreciate the little things helps bring life back to a dark soul. The daily kinds of things might be having a cup of tea with your daughter or taking an indulgently long hot shower after a good workout or dusting off and playing your guitar again. 

Just taking the time to think about and put them on your calendar helps us really be present in the experience and cherish the moments.  Whether or not you have money, if you think you can only have wonderful experiences when your spending money, I want to challenge you to get creative and return to the things that really matter and plan things that take little to no money. Often this very act will help re-frame your thinking and get you back into a place of joy.

Struggling relationships are often revitalized by fun. Playful activities that both parties enjoy can take the edge off  being together. If you are in a really bad place, you might want to be sure that there is not a long car ride involved the first time you try this. The more often you are able to make these enjoyable moments/hours occur the better. Just make sure the activities stay untainted from ugly behavior. What often happens is that the more fun times that are incorporated into the relationship the less tension there is regarding other issues and healthier communication begins to flow. 

Give it a whirl and remember having fun, on a regular basis, does a world of good for a darkened soul!

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Sharing a Note I Wrote to a Couple I’m Coaching

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I’m sharing a portion of a note I sent to clients because I thought  it may be helpful for other couples who are struggling.  Of  course names are changed to protect the identities, and wording changed just slightly.  When I wrote it I had no intention of using it as a blog post. It was written quickly, after a session. It reveals

“First of all, you two are on your way to having a great new season of life. The desire you both have to have a fulfilling relationship is paramount yet it’s coupled with Jan’s determination to strengthen her own character and John, your encouraging support. Unless one of you just rolls over and gives up, refusing to do the work – you are going to come through this with flying colors!!

I understand that dreaming together was a difficult Action Step, though I’m not sorry you did it because it gave me insight as to where your communication struggles are.

One of the first rules of dreaming together (that I obviously did not make clear) is that there is to be no judgement on dreams. The point of dreaming together is to get to know the other’s heart.  Dreams are not plans of action, they are expressions of what makes YOUR heart sing. Therefore, I hope you will not stop dreaming together.

Some may think that because the other’s dreams look very different than their own that they are not meant for each other – and they should go their separate ways – I disagree whole heartedly.  I believe that it is in the overlapping of our dreams that true fulfillment comes. It is when we look at the core of what causes us to dream what we do that we learn to appreciate and value each other’s deepest desires.  It draws us back to that place of loving deeply. Once we do that, overlapping our dreams is not nearly so difficult and incredibly fulfilling.

I would like to see you re-explore the dreams you each laid out.  REMEMBERING these are not plans of action. You each just shared your heart. That was good. If you would now take time to engage in each others dreams that would be great.  Asking each other questions that draw the other out … ie. how do you see your dream as benefitting our marriage?  THEN  after you have each had plenty of time to share your hearts…. go one step farther and by trying to engage in the other’s dream by identifying with something in it.  ie. John might say “I appreciate the fact that you want for me a job that is less draining and, it makes me smile to think you  want to be around me more.  I hope that someday soon we can make this part of your dream a reality.”  –  just find something to identify with and hope for….. And of course Jan, you would do the same regarding John’s dream.  There are more steps but I think for now this is enough.

A big part of this exercise is learning to focus your attention on what is good. This very small thing is absolutely huge in healing your hearts and moving forward.  Truthfully, there have always been, (even when you were dating and first married) many negative things and many differences you could have focussed on, but you chose not to. Somewhere along the line most couple’s focus shifts. We don’t realize it until we’re glued on looking at the negatives.  Fortunately that glue isn’t permanent! We get to choose our focus.”

If you are married and have stopped dreaming together, I  hope this will encourage you to begin dreaming together again and remind us all that we have a choice as to where we place our focus.

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Joe & Carri #8 – Closer to Home

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Joe began the session by announcing that his job transfer request was granted, and his move back to the states was already scheduled. It would be several weeks, but the process was in motion. His move would not take him back to Carri, but it would get him much closer to home – on a temporary assignment.

Carri was nervous. Joe loved being overseas. She didn’t want him to give up his dream on her account. She didn’t want to be blamed if things didn’t work out.  With a little effort, she was able to relax by realizing that Joe was solely responsible for his decision, but with the added pressure of him being state-side, she felt it necessary to make it quite clear that she was not ready to be reunited – at least not permanently. Even so, this turn of events pushed them to deeper levels.

Joe accused Carri of doing very well without him and made sure she knew he was dying inside. She affirmed that she was doing better because she was no longer in the depths of depression, but firmly asserted she was NOT doing well. She missed him and hated having to do everything by herself. She started to say she would give anything to be together again but changed it to – she would (and was doing) anything and everything to make being together again better.

Though they were not ready to determine when or how they could make life together work, they decided they needed to know what non-negotiable the other would demand for it to ever be a possibility. Interestingly, this ended up  mostly being a reiteration of the vision they had already cast.

Once again, they realized their goals largely overlapped. He stressed that he wanted to be in a relationship where both parties put a high value on the relationship and she said she wanted to be in a relationship where both parties fully engaged with each other. Hmmm, sounded to me like their ideas weren’t too far apart. Upon further exploration they agreed!

Suddenly Joe began to rant, We’ve painted ourselves into a corner and  have no place to go. I need assurance that this is temporary. I don’t want this to go on for years.  I want us to be together so we CAN work on things. I need assurance we aren’t going to end up like Mike and Sally – apart for 9 years.

Carri quickly assured him she didn’t want to end up like Mike and Sally either. She wanted healing, restoration and new strength. She wanted to be healthy, happy and loving and she wanted to be married to a happy, healthy loving man so they could have a healthy happy, loving relationship. She said she needed reassurance too. So they decided to, as an Action Step, contact each other daily to specifically assure the other of this desire.