The term ‘designed alliance’ is commonly used to describe the way a coach and client pre frame their relationship. It is a conversation that empowers the client to be successful. In life, designed alliances can improve any relationship.
Despite the fact that clients are made well aware that their coach is ‘for’ them, every person’s background taints how they hear words. Therefore, a designed alliance can be of great benefit. This conversation usually happens prior to the first session however it can happen at anytime and is often modified as time goes by.
For example, if a client has heard flattery their whole life, they may request that if affirmation is given that it is specific. (fyi -non-specific accolades are poor coaching tactics but the client does not know that!) Or, they may alert me to a particularly sensitive area and request no challenges in that area until further notified. Or, they may offer ways that have effectively motivated them in the past when they’ve been stuck, resistant or faced fear.
If you’ve never designed an alliance before, don’t worry if it’s not perfect at first. Sometimes what we say we want has to be tweaked to make it work optimally. When you first notice that something isn’t working well and the relationship is faltering or just lacking, it’s a good time to reassess the alliance.
The concept is valuable in all kinds of relationships—romantic or business partnerships, friends, parent-child, etc… The client/coach relationship is one sided, but in other relationships a designed alliance is for the benefit of both parties. Imagine what it would be like if the intention of every one of your relationships was to encourage and empower one another. How would your life be different?
It is never too late to take action. Relationships are ever evolving and it takes the initiative of one for changes to be made. Getting some coaching may be the right choice if there is great suffering in the relationship and it is a relationship of great importance. However, if the relationship just needs some maintenance it may be as simple as sharing this article and suggesting creating a mutually beneficial alliance.
Though it is wonderful when both parties cooperate in designing the alliance, the most incredible transformations happen when you begin focussing on changing yourself – how you respond, not being easily offended, choosing to encourage and empower even if they are not holding up their end of the alliance etc….. Not only can your relationship be dramatically transformed, YOU will be dramatically transformed. It’s not easy when you are going it alone but when one person changes, the relationship is forced to change to accommodate the change of the one. When the change of the one is good, it almost invariably affects the relationship for good
The notion of creating an “alliance” instills the understanding that “we are in this together,” working to consciously design a successful experience for both individuals. For many years, my husband and I have used the phrase “I’m on your team” when we we’ve been at odds. It’a a great reminder of the alliance we made when we said our vows but also works well when a child, friend or co worker seem to think we are not ‘for’ them. Rather than assigning blame as to why they are not hearing you as ‘for’ them (ie. they are in a bad mood, or allowing them to assign blame ie. it’s your tone of voice) just the simple reminder, “I’m on your team” goes a long way.
What kind of alliances do you want with your children, friends, family and co workers?
Marriage vows are one of the few relational alliances we utilize commonly in this country but are much too intimate for most relationships, however, thinking about them may help you see where your other relationships could grow. ie. maybe your children need to know, verbally, that you will always, no matter what, love them. A conversation about your needs, their needs and the support you can offer one another is a great place to start – in any relationship. If that is just too uncomfortable you can go it alone. By rising above your own initial reactions and becoming the person you want to be regardless of other’s behavior may be a slower road to relationship transformation but can still have have amazing results and empower your relationships at every level.