Since day one Tina had been saying she needed to forgive Tim. He was making huge leaps in the right direction in how he treated her and she was delighted! On one hand she was delighted yet on the other she held onto bitter resentment.
We were months into coaching and had talked a lot about the need for forgiveness yet Tina continued to refuse. She just wasn’t ready, she would say. She was well aware that forgiveness cannot be earned – it is granted, and she would grant it when she was good and ready! After many (maybe 12?) sessions and continued refusal, I told them that we needed to take a break from coaching but that I would be happy to resume when she was ready to start the work. We had made a lot of progress but this issue would prevent them from real connection, so I didn’t want them to waste their time and money.
Tina begged, pleaded and cried, and promised to do whatever it took to start the process of forgiveness. They both felt like God was using coaching to save their marriage. They insisted that they had made such huge strides. I agreed, however, without a willingness to let go of bitter resentments real change could not happen. I was thrilled to hear Tina say she was ready to start the work.
So what did the work of forgiveness look like? I suggested we not focus on the hurts that needed forgiving but on what life would look if she had forgiven. She created and described the scenario. It seemed too good to be true. . .
It would be easy for her to accept Tim’s affectionate gestures. She would be more loving, have more joy, more patience, more understanding and more gratitude. She would be optimistic and look forward to spending the rest of her life with Tim. It sounded great but could she ever really feel this way? It was time to get practical. What kind of baby steps would she take?
Because of Tim’s huge step in the right direction, Tina felt he deserved to be back in the bedroom. The testosterone shots made him feel a little more aggressive which was an asset both at work and at home, but he was still not feeling frisky! That was ok with Tina for now. She would let him come around at his own pace. She decided it would be fun if they took it slow – pretending they were dating at first. Tim liked the idea because he would be free from pressure.
Huge obstacles were being overcome and life was getting better! Tim had given up self loathing and was taking care of his medical issue that had negatively impacted their marriage. They were communicating more authentically. She was getting in touch with her emotions and doing better with her tone of voice. They had learned to change the dance mid stream when a discussion started heading south and now Tina was dedicated to forgiveness. A lot had been accomplished but there was still a lot to come!