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Major Breakthrough! – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #3

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Changing communication patterns took work but the payoff was so valuable! 

 

 

 

Within a few weeks both Tim and Tina began a session exclaiming repeatedly, “We changed the dance last night! We did it! We changed the dance and it was beautiful!”  Music to my ears, but I had to hear the story to know what they were talking about so let me back up and fill you in on some of the things we’d tackled so far. 
Tina had said repeatedly that it was not what was being said that was the problem, it was how it was communicated. Tim always tiptoed around things causing her to feel manipulated. She just wanted him to be straight with her and felt manipulated by his evasiveness.  While she admitted being dramatic she said he had no idea of how he could bully her backside to the wall.  She not only wanted him to be forthright, she insisted that she could handle much more than Tim would dare to share.  

Tim didn’t buy it. He was convinced that he had to walk on egg shells or he would be the cause of a cataclysmic eruption.

Neither of them had good role models. They agreed that their mess was not so much a mess they created but was an extension of a mess of generations past. They decided it was time to wipe the slate clean… they wanted to forget everything they’d learned and start fresh. Where would they draw from? Tim excelled at work….

He was a great boss! Tim’s team loved him. He brought out the best in each person which showed in their outstanding performance. Tina said that if treated her as well as he treated his employees they wouldn’t have any problems. Tim had no fear of being straight with his team. He could correct them and inspire them all at the same time because they knew his intent was to help them succeed.  He dissected his communication style at work and decided to implement that style at  home. Tina supported this idea 100%.

Unfortunately, Tina felt a lot of sadness. Why had did Tim cared more about his employees success than hers?  She felt both justified and convicted about holding on to past hurts like this. Starting fresh was going to be painful. What does forgiveness look like? At church she was being emotionally bombarded with lessons on forging ahead – doing what was right even if it was tough. She wanted to forgive and trust Tim but it she was not ready. But she was ready to work on getting in touch with her emotions. She decided that it would help their communication if she would evaluate her emotions to be sure they matched up with the moment – this was a huge step!

Implementing Changes
One night Tina’s sadness turned to anger. She let Tim know that NO she would not wait forever for him to make love to her again. Her raging rant went on and on and finally, her volume aroused Tessa who sleepily came in and said, “Mommy please don’t yell at daddy. I like daddy.”  Wow! After she shed a few tears, apologized to her little one and tucked her back in, Tim asked her about the rage. He decided to be bold and take the risk. He told her it seemed like her anger was a lot like his (long past) addiction problem – that once she got a taste she just could not stop herself. Amazingly she accepted his insight graciously. This was a huge night of learning for Tina – and Tim. 

Success!

They had changed the dance!  Over and over again they each told me about their amazing break through. NEVER before had they been able to change the course of a conversation once it started going south.  The were so excited and empowered and they gushed with gratitude. 

Coaching was working!

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Please Don’t Kiss Me!! – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #2

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Tim and Tina’s story is told with their permission. Names have been changed to protect their privacy, however, if you are seriously considering coaching they would be happy to talk to you about their experience. While this blog is intended to inspire you to do whatever it takes to get your marriage healthy, not to “sell” coaching, I am delighted to help people who are ready to do the work.  If you would like to speak with Tim and/or Tina, contact me and I will facilitate your connection. 
Some of Tina’s greatest obstacles were anger, forgiveness, and trust. She knew they were detrimental to her relationship with Tim, but she held them very tightly, because you know what? – she had a right!!  They were legitimate!! To experience peace she knew she’d have to let them go but that was scary because part of her identity was wrapped up in these deep seeded feelings and emotions.  As long as she could remember she’d been controlled by her emotions.  Before Tim, she faced the same issues with her father.  Later, they bled into her life with her husband.  She longed for a happier life but she knew it would take a lot of work and she wasn’t willing without a few conditions.  Tim had to do his part too.
A coaching challenge was underway.   I didn’t know how I was going to handle this, but thank God, I didn’t give up. I had to trust the process.

Tim’s insecurities didn’t help. His classic codependency caused him to take responsibility for all of Tina’s emotions. This would really flare her anger … and the viscous cycle would begin: She thought “You’re so vain – you ‘probly’ think this song (emotion) is about you!”   And he would come completely undone trying to figure out what in the world he HAD done. But did they talk about it? Not really.  It was just too emotional!Tim managed a whole team of people and was a nationally recognized performer in a very large company yet he would cower to Tina. He simply could not take a stand. His team loved him and he longed for his wife to love him but her emotional roller coaster made him feel anything but loved. Feeling inadequate and unworthy, he began withholding sex early on in their marriage. She wanted to use it as the make-up factor, but as he put it, “sex may be an emotional thing for a woman, but I’m not a machine, I don’t want to make love to someone who’s going to be tearing me to pieces tomorrow.”When we started coaching, Tina said she was angry about the lack of intimacy, but in reality, things had gotten so bad that she didn’t want it either. But she did. Yep, that was it. She was willing to do the work if he would do his part. He said he was willing, but at first he was clueless as to what his work looked like. Yes, it was a slow start.

My coaching sessions end with Action Steps that the client(s) comes up with and commit to work on before the next session. These little steps are the secret ingredient that turn things around – in time.

As you can imagine, romance was a fantasy that had died years ago.  Yet they both desperately wanted to FEEL loved.  They decided on ACTION STEPS that they hoped would eventually lead to that feeling.

*Tina decided to dedicate as many weeks as needed to praying that God would help her have the desire and strength to forgive.  She also decided it would do their marriage good if she would continually reassure Tim that she was committed for the long haul.

*Tim decided he wanted to express a little affection, which Tina reluctantly agreed to. He wanted to give her a kiss upon arriving home, departing etc., but she only agreed to hugs at first!

Their ACTION STEPS may seem tiny. I chuckled as I typed this because I remembered what I’d written on my website years ago:  “While the first ACTION STEPS may be seemingly small, progress is energizing.  Once confidence increases, the pace picks up.  I’m often amazed at how quickly my clients reach their goals – and so are they!”

At the end of each session, I sent their ACTION STEPS to them via email.

Stay tuned to find out how their ACTION STEPS played out.

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Vision Casting – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #1A

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Tim and Tina’s story is told with their permission. Names have been changed to protect their privacy, however, if you are seriously considering coaching they would be happy to talk to you about their experience. While this blog is intended to inspire you to do whatever it takes to get your marriage healthy, not to “sell” coaching, I am delighted to help people who are ready to do the work.

If you would like to speak with Tim and/or Tina, contact me and I will facilitate your connection.

For those of you who want more details on Tim and Tina’s Turnaround here is a little mini blog. Let’s call it #1A 🙂

Creating a Vision for what you would like your marriage to look like is one of the first steps in Marriage Coaching. 
Tim and Tina’s vision was pretty typical but to them seemed like a fairy tale. They were aware of some couples who lived as best friends and lovers, but them?  Yeah – that seemed like a fairytale!

Although, they were pretty clear on what they would like out of life and out of marriage, we used a couple of assessments to make sure they were thinking broadly enough and were accurately articulating what they really wanted. This was the first of the  “communication” work we did. As time went on, they learned the importance of making sure their words were matching up with what they were thinking.

Vision Casting gave them some goals to work towards, but after we were clear on what they wanted, we put that little document away for a while.  We pulled it out occasionally, but focusing on it too much could have been paralyzing – they had such a long long way to go! Instead, week by week, I helped them come up with small steps that would eventually lead to the life they longed to live together. If an athlete only focuses on the triathlon – he will always be discouraged and defeated.  It’s when he focuses on the work -the hard core training week by week, that he can expect to reach his goal. So we began the process and soon Tim and Tina could could see their marriage muscles beginning to grow.

The Action Steps they came up with and followed through on – on a weekly basis put them on the road to success.  These steps came directly from their mouths.  I would listen for what they “said” they wanted or needed to do and ask them if they would like to commit to it? If they said yes, it became one of their ACTION STEPS.  I will share some of them along the way.

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Disillusioned & Distant – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #1

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Tim and Tina’s story is told with their permission. Names have been changed to protect their privacy, however, if you are seriously considering coaching they would be happy to talk to you about their experience. While this blog is intended to inspire you to do whatever it takes to get your marriage healthy, not to “sell” coaching, I am delighted to help people who are ready to do the work.  If you would like to speak with Tim and/or Tina, contact me and I will facilitate your connection. 
Tim and Tina were never really happy.  For most of their 15 years they had communicated with harsh words and escalated volumes.  Of course there were the civil conversations too, but as often as not, there was fighting.As with many couples they did not have children immediately.  Having Tessa, after 9 years, created a sense of purpose for them which was wonderful but short lived.  Soon they realized they were back in the same old patterns with a little one absorbing every harsh word. They noticed that even before she could understand the words her mood could be affected for hours, even days after they’d had a screaming match.

Even so, they stayed together because their core belief was that marriage is for life.

By the time they contacted me their core belief was so battered and bruised by the emotional trauma they were suffering on a daily basis that Tim had begun looking for apartments.  Tina had kicked him out of the bedroom months earlier and they had not been intimate for years.  Their turn around has truly been miraculous!

 

The (really rough) notes below are from our very first session. As you can imagine, during their first session, they were guarded with their answers, so magnify them about 80% and you’ll get a real feel for where we were starting! 
As you contemplate working with a coach, what results would you like to achieve?Tim: Better communication skills. Understanding how Tina thinks. How to avoid letting the small stuff brewing into a much larger blow out.

Tina: A feeling of working together as a team towards our goals.  Rebuilt trust. I would like to feel loved, cherished, appreciated and sexy in my husband’s eyes.  I would like to stop being such a bitch all the time and let go of debilitating insecurities.  I want a clear picture of what our future looks like together – know that it’s worth this effort.

Imagine that you have been successful in accomplishing your goals in coaching. How will your relationship be different than it is now?

Tim: We would be a team. Loving, caring, completely trusting each other, comfortable with being vulnerable and having a partnership that can’t be broken. She would live in my heart and I would cleave to her. (sappy, but that’s what he said! :))

Tina: I would respect my husband again and he, me.  I would trust my husband with decisions regarding our household affairs.  I would have stopped having to second guess what my husband really thinks and feels.  There would be enough trust in our relationship to be able to speak truth knowing we have each other’s best interest at heart.  My husband and I would use sex as a way of expressing our deep and devoted love for one another. We would engage in family activities together and enjoy it.

What habits/activities/thought processes do you need to drop, simplify or let go of, in order to achieve those results?

Tim: Pride and taking her for granted. Selfishness. I need to listen more and pay attention to her, basically notice her more. Codependancy is a problem.

Wife:

 Stop jumping to worst possible conclusion. Holding onto old resentments.  Lack of planning our time together & treating time together as unimportant. 

 
Sessions normally end with  Action Steps but the first week was about getting to know the situation, expectations and hopes.Stay tuned to see how Tim and Tina did the work and are enjoying each other – as best friends and lovers.

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Introverts make Great Extroverts

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I want to recognize all the amazing introverts who have modeled this so brilliantly. Thank you!

I know it sounds crazy, but here’s my thought. I’ve noticed that many EXtroverts are amazingly engaging, wonderful people.  They do not have to think before they attend a social event about how they will spend their time, they just go and enjoy the people. This character trait is a blessing – to them and all the introverts they help put at ease.

On the other hand, a mature introvert thinks before they enter a room full of people. Once they get past the negative barrage of thoughts, they might begin to think things like, “What is my purpose at this function? Who will I spend my time with? What can I say when there is a lull in conversation? Of course the self talk varies from person to person and event to event. The point is that mature introverts are purposeful about their interactions and often make the exact impression they wish to leave because they have thought through how they want to present themselves. This is powerful!
When an introvert realizes that one of their main purposes in the world is to be light where there is darkness they begin to see the uncomfortable moments as opportunities.  This time of year can be chalk full of social engagements so I thought the subject timely.

As for me, I don’t classify fully as either an introvert or extrovert. Depending on the situation I can have an overwhelming sense of deja vu and the extreme shyness and self consciousness of my childhood comes flooding over me. I hate it when this happens! So, I am challenging myself to be a mature introvert – to be purposeful, using the power I’ve been given, to bring love, joy, peace, kindness and goodness to all and to begin viewing uncomfortable situations as opportunities to bless people. Adopting this mentality helps take the panic away, is rewarding and makes life a lot more pleasant.

Hope you’ll join me and enjoy the holiday season bringing light wherever you go.