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Transformation is Inevitable

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I accidentally stumbled across a paper on my computer about transformation that my son wrote when he was a senior in high school. I decided to  share with you the first paragraph because it explains, very nicely, that transformation is in fact, inevitable.

Caleb Parker
Mrs. Raynor
Eng 12 honors – 6
19 October 2008

Transformation

Transformation happens almost everywhere. It happens in nature when flowers grow up from the smallest seeds. Transformation is visible when scientific theories develop from a few individual facts into a more cohesive understanding of a subject. Children transform slowly into adults. Transformation is a theme running rampant on earth. In his novel A Tale of Two Cities, Charles Dickens exploits the theme of transformation. Transformation as an idea makes no moral judgments; it only describes one thing undergoing a change into another.  Dickens recognizes this concept and the transformations of his characters show this concept. Not every transformation is good or bad. Some transformations are good, some bad and some may even be neutral but in each transformation some element of human nature is displayed.

My question is, are you pleased with the transformation happening in your life? As people look on, what “element of human nature is displayed”?

While many transformations always follow the same pattern, the direction of your transformation is a decision of your heart whether or not it is consciously made.  If you want that direction to be different, you have the ability to change courses at any point.

My hope for you is that if you are not pleased with where you are headed, physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually that you will do whatever it takes to get on a new path.

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Skeptical About Life Coaches?

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That’s a good thing! Just like everything else in life there are good ones and bad ones. Think about it, from politics to churches and everything in between…. there are good ones and bad ones!  

Years ago, before I became a coach, I read an article on the subject at my doctors office, then read the book Cure For The Common Life by Max Lacado that referenced coaching – I became cautiously interested. Slightly skeptical, I did some research. What did I think about coaching? There were several hurdles I had to overcome.  One hurdle was …..’coaching works from the place of desire’. . . .sounded like things could get sketchy or it could be promoting narcissism. hmmm. 

A deeper understanding of what coaching is and why it works helped me jump that hurdle quickly.

One of the many reasons coaching works so effectively is because, unless a human is hardened by evil, we all want the same things.  Our deepest ‘desires’ are to love and be loved; to experience joy; to have a peaceful contented heart; we want others to have patience with us and we want to be more patient; we want people to be kind to us and we wish we knew how to be kind without sacrificing what we want; we want to be good people; we long for faithful relationships; we want others to be gentle with us when we’re feeling fragile and we want to be gentle with others; we can’t stand to be with people who have no self control or discipline and we would love to be more disciplined and posses more self control. Although many don’t recognize these, they are universal desires of people who are striving to be the best they can be.

When clients goals don’t line up with these deep desires it doesn’t take long for them to revise and redirect.

I invite you to send me your skeptical thoughts about coaching. I would love to have the opportunity to address them. My intent is not to persuade you into thinking coaching is great for everyone – it’s not. However, your input will challenge me to think and grow – and I love that!  Rest assured, I will keep your thoughts anonymous, unless you tell me otherwise.  I hope to hear from you.

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What Do You Love? Are You Sure?

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So what is it?  What do you love? What’s the first thing that comes to mind? Say it.  I mean it.  Say it.  Quietly if you must, but speak the words.  If a whole list of things come to mind you might want to write them down.

Being Valentine’s Day, many of us would say the name of our spouse, but maybe you said  ‘my kids’ or, . . . . because I asked “what” not “who” you may not have been thinking ‘people,’ but in my experience most of us think we love people or God more than anything else.  But is that true?

Today, Valentine’s Day, the world is encouraging you to do something nice for, and be extra sweet to, the one(s) you love.  Therefore, you’re probably feeling good about yourself! Let’s linger in that feeling so we don’t forget how good it feels to bestow love and honor. Doesn’t it feel gooood?

Here’s the challenge. Studies show that we always do what we love and pursue it because it is what we value. So let’s take a look at what we said we loved and our daily habits and see if they match up.

I’ll go first 🙂  The reality of  this challenge stung me pretty hard before I recognized it as truth.  I had to argue the point with myself  and, yes, with our marriage counselor before I had my “aha” – actually it was more like “ouch!!” Though it was a bit painful, it spurred on growth because it made me re-evaluate my behavior.  It wasn’t consistent with what I said. For me to be in integrity with myself I had to change one or the other. I chose to modify my behavior.

Your turn.  Does what you say match up with what you do and pursue on a regular basis? A good place to start is to ask yourself, “Do I get to linger in that feeling pretty often – knowing that what I did or how I behaved or interacted expressed love and honor to the one(s) I say I love?  If not, what is stealing your heart? A schedule that is too busy? A more intense desire to be “successful” than to have a good relationship? You name it.

I’m using this special occasion to challenge you because right now you are probably feeling good about your relationship. Taking note of how fantastic you feel when you do good and truly are on your best behavior is important.  We have pleasant interactions and life seems good. It isn’t fake. Life is good, or at least a ton better, when we are our best selves.

If you need some behavior modification, like I did,  what does it look like?

I’m thinking I may have a new resolution for 2013.  Maybe I’ll kiss my love and say Happy Valentine’s Day every morning- just so I remember to be my best self.

Hoping you make this day worth remembering!

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Feel Like a Loser?

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Do you feel like a loser because you don’t have lofty goals? Maybe you’re still a kid or maybe you’re 35, 40 or 65 and you still don’t know what you want to be when you grow up?

I want to assure you that although it seems like everyone else is “dreaming big” – they aren’t! My coaching experience testifies to that fact. People often come because they want to dream big. Sadly, most folks live life wishing they had something wonderfully fulfilling to be passionate about. Something that would utilize all of the potential within them.

When clients come for this purpose, we usually talk about things they are good at and things they enjoy and then do some brain storming. It’s fun and they usually learn a lot about themselves. After exploring things, I usually ask the question, “If you were going to volunteer somewhere, what would you like to do?” Somehow the simple question moves people away from being self focussed and in turn brings about a revelation of how they want their life to be fulfilling.
The fact is most of us could do quite a number of different things, do them well and find some satisfaction in them, yet it seems that there is some correlation to giving of ones self and finding passion and fulfillment.

If you’re struggling, think about what it is you would love to do as a volunteer. If it is not something you can actually do (like becoming a firefighter at 65yrs of age), think about what it is that makes it appealing and then broaden your thinking. Regardless of what you come up with, just knowing what you want to do and working toward that goal is incredibly satisfying

Some may find fulfillment in actually volunteering while others, with this new found passion, may choose to pursue it as career. The great thing is, you won’t ever have to wish you had something to be passionate about again!

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Brutally Honest

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I read an article last week written by a business woman who feared she was “too honest.”  She said she thought that her customers might actually be scared away by her honesty.  It made me think about my own honesty.

Years ago I was accused of being brutally honest.  I prided myself on my honesty but I certainly didn’t want to hurt anyone. Was it true? Was my honesty brutal? I knew that my intentions were pure but realized that with immature delivery, the point, whatever it was, would be lost.  There is a proverb that says, “Be kind and honest and you will live a long life; others will respect you and treat you fairly.”  – I want to be kind AND honest – not brutal!

I was somewhat confused by the accusation. I knew what it meant, but I thought my words were pretty gentle. I knew, even in college, that my friends valued my honesty and would come to me when they wanted the straight up truth.  ie: I gained a reputation with girls on my floor, and soon many were coming to me to when they needed another pair of eyes to determine if the outfit was flattering!  They kept coming back so I knew my answers weren’t offensive.  I don’t remember exactly how I handled it when I thought their choice was atrocious – oh, and some were! I imagine I asked them to bring options, so we could pick the best one.

I’d never been accused of  brutality before. Certainly, without gentleness, honesty can cause undue hurt. Examining my words a bit more carefully was surely not going to hurt, but as I did,  I began to wonder if  some folks just don’t want the truth? It was such a foreign idea to me,  could it be true?

Obviously, if people don’t ask, they probably don’t want to know, but what I’ve learned as a coach is that even when people ask, many do not want the truth, or so it seems. It is true some love flattery more than truth.   Ahhh yes, and here’s the rub.  Who says my opinion is the truth?  ME!  – don’t we all!!  . . . . but that’t another story! 🙂

More mature people and those who have a desire to excel want our honesty. They enjoy gathering people’s thoughts and opinions because it helps them grow. They are wise enough to recognize and  filter the source of the comments and enjoy assimilating (probably subconsciously) the information they have gathered.
When we are too tied to our thoughts and opinions and believe it is THE truth we can become overbearing, trying to get them to do things our way. Funny how those folks are rarely asked but offer their thoughts very often with force and power as thought it is in fact THE truth! That’s what I’d call Brutal Honesty.

As a coaches, we are trained not to offer our opinions, even when asked – and for good reason.  Most folks have heard, or can think of, a lot of opinions about whatever they are dealing with. Another opinion rarely makes a difference.  People are continually gathering information: opinions, ideas, facts, etc.. What helps is walking through the filtering process together.  Noting the sources from whence gremlins are coming and highlighting the things that might be helpful.
Even more difficult than filtering is utilizing and implementing what we’ve learned – great coaches excel in these areas.

The article I read was about being “too honest” honest, not brutally honest – that was my own soap box.  As I read through her piece I believe what was happening was information overload. Honesty is vitally important in life and business. However, it is crucial that we are discerning as to how and when we share.  We can indeed scare people away with too much information! We generally take things in best, a little at a time.

Lack of honesty usually happens in phases. Deception usually comes before outright lies. Most of us want to be honest, but when business, our reputation or someone or something we care about are at stake we may want to hide some things. This is our first warning signal.  Sharing at the right time and deception are two very different things. What is making us want to hide?

We can also hurt people with information they are not prepared to receive.  While it is sometimes necessary to share such things – it isn’t always. Discernment is key. Asking ourselves why we want to share something can be enlightening.
Our motives are not always pure. While it may be helpful for us to get something off our chest, if it damages another, is it the right thing to do?

Though some folks think complete vulnerability is what we are to be about, I beg to differ.  Even Jesus chose not to share some things with some people.

Too honest and brutally honest have some big draw back, how about we aim for kind and honest. We’ll feel good about how we’re treating people and have a clear conscience too!