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What’s It Going To Take To Get What You Want?

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So much work to look like I do!

She said  she was getting gas earlier that morning and a complete stranger, pumping gas next to her, looked over and said, “I hate you skinny girls!” Jessie, my hair stylist said, “I don’t know what got into me, but I actually responded. I said, “well if you were at the gym at 5:30 every morning you could look like this too””.  To her surprise the lady said, “yeah, you’re right.”

Do you ever feel jealous of people who have what you want? But then you think about what it would take to get it and you feel defeated before you even begin?

Often people become so focused on the outcome that they forget about the purpose.  Dreams and goals can seem overwhelming when we get zeroed in on the outcome and if we think there is only one outcome that can fulfill us we may feel trapped – and when we’re trapped, we can’t move.

Try writing down what you want from the dream or goal. If it’s ‘to be skinny’ what do you really want? If you want to be healthier so you can extend your life expectancy and enjoy a more adventuresome lifestyle with your kids, then joining a gym might not be the only way to get skinny. Maybe joining a beginning hiking group or taking a course in kayaking – these options get you exercise and move you into adventures that you will soon be sharing with your children!  Sometimes we get defeated because we feel like there is only one way and we don’t like the journey so we feel trapped.

If your dream is to own your own restaurant, the payoff you want may be to have a schedule that you control and get paid to cook healthy meals. What if you find out that the zoning for your dream restaurant isn’t right and it’s a 7 year process to get re-zoning, or your financing falls through or …..  Sometimes pushing through the obstacles is the work we want to do, but sometimes there are other opportunities that will get us everything we want. For instance, you may find much less stress in owning a catering company or a healthy food stand in the middle of the city or you might find out about a franchise with great financing options. Zeroing in on having to have an independent restaurant is fine if that is the only way to find the fulfillment you desire, but often that narrow minded path hinders rather than helps.

Determining what you really want (the deeper purpose or payoff) from the dream or goal  is really the first step in moving toward it. If you’ve had one that has been on a back burner, I hope you’ll take time to write down the purpose, or payoff you’re looking for. It just may set you free if you’ve been trapped. It may look a little different than you first imagined, but the payoff may be even better!

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Unresolved Issues

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Wouldn’t you rather just avoid unresolved issues? Bringing them up can feel like we’re asking for a fight. However, unresolved issues that have caused wounds tend to raise their ugly head when new conflicts arise yet if we can keep our minds focussed on the current conflict, resolve to that issue comes much more quickly. Until past wounds have healed those memories will, more than likely, arise causing pain, uncertainty and unneceesary turmoil over current issues.

I recently took care of a 4 year old issue. I know, that’s crazy – I’m a relationship coach! But I do happen to be human. It wasn’t that I’d meant to stuff it. At first it was too painful to talk about. Every time I tried I’d end up in tears and then get flustered and couldn’t make my points and he’d get mad because we  had a good and loving relationship so he thought we should have been able to move on -and I agreed. So I stuffed it.

Years past and it didn’t rear it’s ugly head anymore – except when it did. I was going to say it was only because current circumstances seemed to mimic what had happened. I wasn’t mad but the pain felt a little raw so I’m sure hormones and other factors also played into it. Fortunately, being a relationship coach, I did realize that trying talk through it when I was feeling the pain was a terrible idea, so I waited for an opportune time. To him it seemed odd. We hadn’t dug up old stuff in years – we just don’t do that because we’ve forgiven and given most things a proper burial.
But this one thing . . .

So, one evening when we were dreaming together I caught myself backing up very quickly because a wave of fear swept over me and I knew it was the right time to bring it up.

Another thing I’ve learned is that prefacing sensitive conversations with the intention helps tremendously so I told him I needed to talk about something before I could dream freely. I told him I wanted to be confident that we could move into this new phase of life on the same page and know for certain that we would work through differences by communicating openly. I let him know that my intention for the conversation was to give me the security and confidence I needed for us to have the best relationship possible. While he still wasn’t excited to have the conversation he understood the importance. 

It wasn’t an easy conversation but by prefacing it with my intention and expressing how I was hurt rather than accusing him we were able to work through it pretty quickly. Funny thing is, there wasn’t a lot of forgiving to do. Just hearing how he viewed what had happened acknowledging both his part and mine gave me the assurance that we were on the same page. Finally it could be laid to rest permanently.

No couple will ever agree on everything and there may always be sadness around some issues, but wounds that fester and are buried do not die quickly. These memories hurt our relationship. They need to be laid to rest properly and permanently. It takes two mature people who love each other deeply and are committed to a good and growing relationship to tend to old wounds. If you’re not there, don’t rush it. The last thing you want is more damage done. 

One way to test the waters to see if your relationship mature enough to handle tending to old wounds is to preface your conversation with your pure motives and see how it flies. 

For me, I knew that I couldn’t dream about certain things with him or entertain ideas that were even remotely close to looking like the situation that our unresolved issued was around. I was afraid that a nightmare would creep in and steel the dream again. I wanted us to acknowledge that without intentionality it could happen again. And I wanted assurance that we would be make our relationship more important than the dream.

A demand for a confession or forgiveness is never helpful, so don’t go there even if that is what you think you need. Instead ask yourself, what is the benefit I want from talking about this issue? And proceed with confidence and sensitivity. Another day may be a better choice. Choosing your time wisely will help ensure the outcome you desire.

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Empowering Relationships At Every Level

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The term ‘designed alliance’ is commonly used to describe the way a coach and client pre frame their relationship. It is a conversation that empowers the client to be successful. In life, designed alliances can improve any relationship.

Despite the fact that clients are made well aware that their coach is ‘for’ them, every person’s background taints how they hear words. Therefore, a designed alliance can be of great benefit. This conversation usually happens prior to the first session however it can happen at anytime and is often modified as time goes by.

For example, if a client has heard flattery their whole life, they may request that if affirmation is given that it is specific. (fyi -non-specific accolades are poor coaching tactics but the client does not know that!) Or, they may alert me to a particularly sensitive area and request no challenges in that area until further notified. Or, they may offer ways that have effectively motivated them in the past when they’ve been stuck, resistant or faced fear.

If you’ve never designed an alliance before, don’t worry if it’s not perfect at first. Sometimes what we say we want has to be tweaked to make it work optimally. When you first notice that something isn’t working well and the relationship is faltering or just lacking, it’s a good time to reassess the alliance.

The concept is valuable in all kinds of relationships—romantic or business partnerships, friends, parent-child, etc… The client/coach relationship is one sided, but in other relationships a designed alliance is for the benefit of both parties. Imagine what it would be like if the intention of every one of your relationships was to encourage and empower one another. How would your life be different?

It is never too late to take action. Relationships are ever evolving and it takes the initiative of one for changes to be made. Getting some coaching may be the right choice if there is great suffering in the relationship and it is a relationship of great importance. However, if the relationship just needs some maintenance it may be as simple as sharing this article and suggesting creating a mutually beneficial alliance.

Though it is wonderful when both parties cooperate in designing the alliance, the most incredible transformations happen when you begin focussing on changing yourself – how you respond, not being easily offended, choosing to encourage and empower even if they are not holding up their end of the alliance etc….. Not only can your relationship be dramatically transformed, YOU will be dramatically transformed. It’s not easy when you are going it alone but when one person changes, the relationship is forced to change to accommodate the change of the one. When the change of the one is good, it almost invariably affects the relationship for good

The notion of creating an “alliance” instills the understanding that “we are in this together,” working to consciously design a successful experience for both individuals. For many years, my husband and I have used the phrase “I’m on your team” when we we’ve been at odds. It’a a great reminder of the alliance we made when we said our vows but also works well when a child, friend or co worker seem to think we are  not ‘for’ them. Rather than assigning blame as to why they are not hearing you as ‘for’ them (ie. they are in a bad mood, or allowing them to assign blame ie. it’s your tone of voice)  just the simple reminder, “I’m on your team” goes a long way.

What kind of alliances do you want with your children, friends, family and co workers? 

Marriage vows are one of the few relational alliances we utilize commonly in this country but are much too intimate for most relationships, however, thinking about them may help you see where your other relationships could grow. ie. maybe your children need to know, verbally, that you will always, no matter what, love them.  A conversation about your needs, their needs and the support you can offer one another is a great place to start – in any relationship. If that is just too uncomfortable you can go it alone.  By rising above your own initial reactions and becoming the person you want to be regardless of other’s behavior may be a slower road to relationship transformation but can still have have amazing results and empower your relationships at every level.

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It’s Not My Fault!

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He must be an only child!

The thought comes naturally. What child doesn’t say ‘he did it’ or ‘she made me’ when they get caught? Shifting blame is one escape and one lie that we’ve all justified at one time or another.

It’s a deception we buy into without even realizing it.

One key to knowing if you’re playing into the blame game is being conscious of when you think or say things like,  “If they didn’t ___________ then I wouldn’t _____________. ”

We feel a lot better about ourselves if we can put the onus of why we did something we wish we hadn’t done on someone else. For example “I’m always late to work because my daughter isn’t a morning person and I can’t get her in the car on time.” Or, “If my wife wasn’t such a nag I might actually do some of the things on the honey do list.”  Or, “I know I’m negative, but you would be too if you worked in the environment I work in.”

Or maybe you blame your past on who you are today. I love the NCIS episode where Callen asks the young man in trouble “so how many foster homes were you in?” and he says “nine” Callen responds compassionately and says “yeah it is rough – I was in 37.”

As adults we have the opportunity to choose how we will live,  what we will think and what we will do and say. Someone should really claim responsibility for this great quote, “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it.”

Blame comes naturally. Taking responsibility does not. It seems to a child, and to us when we are not conscious of what we are doing, that shifting blame protects us. If we claim innocence we look good. Wrong! Think about the people in your circles that you most admire. My guess is not that they are perfect or claim to be perfect. My guess is that they are the folks who live life to the fullest, make mistakes and get back up again. They are the people who do their best realizing that sometimes things are truly out of their control but they take responsibility for who they are, what they do and what they say. They are empowered people.

It can be a little scary to own up to things. I think most of us are categorically blamers. We take responsibility for most stuff but there are some areas we don’t. I don’t think of myself as a blamer, but I have to admit to a few areas that are just hard! I’m rethinking as I write this how I will make different choices in the future.

I realize from past experience how empowering it is to take responsibility. It has empowered me to forgive myself and move forward with a renewed spirit and renewed energy. I hope you will take time to rethink how you might be shifting blame so that you too can make different choices, be empowered to forgive and find freedom. It’s worth it!

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The Downside of Coaching With ME

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The downside of coaching with me has an upside for you. Regardless of the reason you come to coaching, my intent is to help you move into the new phase of life that you are desiring.

The upside for you is that life coaching is not a life time sentence. 

Every client is different, but most reach their goals in less than a year, some in just a few months. Because my clients achieve what they come for, I have a constant turnover of clients.

Although I do have several clients whom I’ve been privileged to coach for years, my goal is for you to reach your goals! These ongoing folks are unusual in that they are on a mission to be constantly growing and enjoy the support I provide. I must say, the personal transformation they have seen has been astounding to me and everyone they know and love.

The downside for me…… the initial intake, paper work and billing are not the pieces I love the most yet because my clients are successful and move on, I am in that zone often. Fortunately the joy and purpose I find in the work of coaching offsets the downside and makes it all worthwhile.