Posts

Posted on

Joe & Carri #3 – Hurting but Hopeful

CFWL-Without YouDuring the first call, the consultation, we interviewed each other to be sure our values and purposes aligned well enough. While our core beliefs differ, our experiences, intentions and purposes tracked well and we agreed that working together had good potential.

The next session is what I call an ‘intake session’ where I learn more about them and their story as well as their hopes and dreams for the future then we quickly move into high gear. I asked them to keep a notebook so they could track their progress.

The session started with Joe saying, “I wish we’d left well enough alone. We were 2 steps ahead after we talked with you, now we’re 10 steps back.” Not a great start! He was experiencing overwhelming loneliness and realizing that restoration, if it was going to happen at all, was going to be “a very long haul.” He didn’t want to sign up for that! He knew from past experiences his tolerance for waiting was short lived.

He was frustrated because he knew he wanted “deeper intimacy” and wasn’t sure she had the same desire – probably because of her bold move to leave him alone in a foreign land!

She insisted that her bold move was in an effort to bring about an intimacy that had been long lost. He just couldn’t buy it. He did not fully trust her intentions but she did want to seek help . . . .

My services are not cheap, I don’t offer refunds and I expect 100% effort to be put into the relationship during the time we work together. They’d both agreed to that when they bought the 24 week package. He was committed to staying engaged as long as he was sure Carri was choosing him because she wanted to be married to him and have a deeply connected and wonderful relationship. He wanted her to feel free to make choices that she felt were in her best interest. He never again wanted to find out that she felt trapped!

Carri had already made her escape and was firm in stating she would not return to the relationship as it was. She wanted a re-start. She wanted the love, romance and friendship they’d experienced way back when. And she wanted a partner who took great interest in their children. She admitted that she’d allowed the kids to come between them. She didn’t want that. She wanted the kids to have a father figure they would someday want to model – a man who invested himself, selflessly into their lives. Couldn’t the children act as a bonding agent for their relationship?

Carri wanted desperately to be in love again, but she was going to have to convince him she really wanted him. She really wanted him to change, but knew that he would only change when he wanted to. So she invested herself in a lot of personal growth stuff. She knew changing herself was all she could control.

Their emails, calls and Skype sessions since she’d left had been very difficult. They only talked about business matters, logistics and such. Anything of a sensitive nature was not discussed, mostly because Carri would not express herself. Joe was a strong personality and she had shut down. Part of our coaching revolved around her finding the courage to open back up.

They both spoke briefly about how very difficult it was to be apart but Joe was really struggling. I asked, “How would it help to know what she’s been experiencing?” He thought that it might be the assurance he needed to know that it was going to be worth the effort, and the wait! He had made some regrettable decisions in the past because of his impatience and didn’t want that to happen again.

Because of Carri’s difficulty expressing herself, I asked how she could be prepared to talk about her feelings with Joe. She decided to make some notes before their call.

It was a slow start but we all left the call hopeful.

Posted on

Saving Relationships – Step #9 – No Time?

2613216

I have to confess in the past I thought “I just don’t have time to work on my marriage” – or excused my husband because he was just too busy. Now I laugh when I hear people say this.  I know from experience that when I don’t take the time to maintain a good marriage it takes a ton of time (and for us – it took money too!) to restore the relationship.

I do wonder why God made everything in life take so much maintenance! From our personal appearance to our homes, cars and relationships….everything takes maintenance!  And when I don’t stay on top of things, they end up overwhelming me. When I don’t keep up with my daily chores and let everyone slide on their daily chores the house becomes a wreck and I dread dread dread the cleanup! So it is with my marriage. A good yearly spring cleaning is still a good idea even when I stay up with the daily disciplines but it doesn’t have to be so intense.

Marriage takes daily discipline too. From the things talked about in Step #4 like listening, affection, affirmation, unexpected gifts, to the simple loving words and gestures that communicate a desire for a good relationship.  When we let these daily disciplines go, we’re in for trouble.

While a marriage retreat, counseling or coaching may do a marriage a world of good, life is a lot more pleasant when we take the time to regularly nurture our relationships then, do these things to enrich a good thing – making a good marriage great –  like a good spring cleaning on a well kept house.

If your daily disciplines have been lacking and you’re feeling that sense of overwhelm or hopelessness – don’t despair – just do something!You may be able to simply begin implementing good daily relational disciplines.  You may need to begin healing through counseling. Or coaching may be right for you. When you want a better future and consciously make the choice to do something(s) differently, realizing that you have the power to be greater than the problem, you can count on a future that is better than ever before. Whether your relationship is in shambles or just status quo – coaching can make a big difference. And it can help even if your spouse isn’t interested. As the saying goes, “it only takes one person to change the world” and all you want to do is change your marriage!

One of my mottos for life that has served me very well: When something isn’t working, try something different – even if I’m not thrilled with any of my options. . . different is always better because even if it doesn’t work, it leads me to the next step which is one step closer to my solution. As you take time to consider what step you’ll take, try…..

Step #9  
Spend a little time daily 
to save a lot of time later 

Picture

OH BROTHER!
Codependant 
and sick if you ask me.
HA! 
This is not what we’re going for.
 
Posted on

10 Questions To Improve Your Legacy

Leaving-a-Legacy-of-Faith.001-001The Big Question:

If you knew you were going to die in 6 months but could not change your relationship status, job/position or financial status (no loans or credit cards allowed) what would you do to ensure you would be remembered as you wish?

2) Who would you spend more/less time with?

3) What words of life and encouragement would you speak into your children, your spouse, parents etc.?

4) What unhelpful thoughts would you stop thinking?

5) What bucket list items would you be sure to accomplish?

6) What would be the most important thing you would want to share with your loved ones? acquaintances?

7) How would you spend your money that would show you honoring your values?

8) Who would you hope to influence the most? In what way?

9) What would you want people to say at your memorial service?

10) How will you begin to implement these things so that if you do die in 6 months, 6 weeks or 6 days you will leave the legacy you desire?

Posted on

Make The Most of Opportunities – Priorities & Planning

24-Portfolio-Stop-and-Smell-the-Roses“Make the most of every opportunity” is something that rings in my ears frequently and the volume has been way up lately!

Our eldest son just graduated from college and, as all parents do, I thought “where has the time gone”? A question I ask often.

I don’t want to get to the end of my life and feel like it just slipped away.

Old people always say things like ‘take time to smell the roses,’ but we’re encouraged to set goals, be focussed and work hard to attain them. The questions is, how do we do both?

When I fly by the seat of my pants I usually get a lot done (I am very task oriented) but flying by the seat of my pants makes it more difficult for me to be completely ‘present’ because my brain wonders what I ‘should’ be doing. As you may know I hate that word ‘should,’ so it really irritates me when I realize I am shoulding on myself.

My AhHa was realizing why a little planning helps me be fully present. . . It allows me to make the most of the present opportunity rather than thinking about what I could or should be doing.

**Daily planning when spawned from goals can be good, but all too often when I focus only on this, I accomplish a lot toward those goals but still feel empty. Living a more fully integrated life has helped me meet goals and feel a sense of fulfillment. By including my core values and deepest desires in my planning I am able to attain both. Centering only on the doings of life like career planning causes a feeling of emptiness and as though I’ve missed the roses along the way. I have zero desire to reach my career goals yet when I reach retirement, or worse, my death bed, to look back and feel like life slipped away. So I’m into prevention!

Intentionally planning to have meaningful relationships and trying to remember to cherish each moment helps me plan more wisely and makes me more conscientious about time management. I plan to take time each day for those I love, although I must say, I struggle to make time for long distance relationships. I’m not so good at making room for the stuff of life either, like the daily tasks of laundry, cooking and such, but even those become less mundane when I look at the bigger picture. The stuff of life moves from being an obstacle or hindrance to an opportunity, but believe me, I still have tons of room to grow!

What I know is that by taking time each evening to be purposeful in my planning I am more likely to make the most of every opportunity. A few of my most recent opportunities have included joining my husband in yard work, listening to one my youngest sons new ideas (I have no idea what he was talking about but I am interested in him so I listened and tried to learn about being a DJ), helping clean a house so some young men could get their deposit back, making graduation announcements, working on my next speaking engagement etc…. They are all opportunities and I want to make the most of them. I’ve found that if I cheerfully help clean up the yard, chatting and connecting with my husband in the process, even though I forgot to actually smell the roses, it doesn’t matter. These opportunities are the roses of life. When I dread them, they’re more like a thorn bush. When I choose to embrace them as opportunities, I enjoy them, like the scent of a rose.

Posted on

Feeling Robbed, Cheated or Deprived of Precious Time?

time-bandits-opening-titleNegative thinking creeps in fast especially when we feel robbed, cheated or deprived. But allowing this feeling to persist only weakens us and makes us more vulnerable to the attack of the thief!

While some people struggle because of demanding work schedules, others feel robbed because they are compelled to deal with situations and circumstances not of their choosing. Still others feel cheated because of needy people.

Deciding how you want to spend your time is the first step to fighting the time bandits. This can be a tricky and heady conversation. Heady in the sense that it may be one “Tending to upset the mind or balance of the senses.”

For many giving credence to what they can’t control and taking responsibility of their own values, responses, actions and feelings is tough. If you are not clear on these, that is the first place to start. Assuming you already have a good grasp on that, this simple process helps fight the time bandit and bring victory.

Unlike physical robbery, the thief can only steal a days worth of time, or a days worth of peace. It may take more than a day to get your security system in order, but with a little research and proper installation/utilization, he won’t keep stealing for long!

3 Steps for Combatting The Time Bandit

1.Determine what is causing the feeling of loss. Ask “what specifically has the thief stolen?” Write everything down.

2.Consider what security you currently have in place to keep the bandit from stealing again? He will return, so what is it you will put in place to deter him? If you don’t know, where will you start your research? ADT, Front Point and Home Depot all have good options for securing your home. It’s time to explore the options for securing your heart. Much better to lose your possessions than waste your life feeling robbed, cheated or deprived.

3. After determining your security system look back at #1 to be sure you’ve covered all your bases. Then get to work installing the security system for your heart.

I’d love to hear your stories! Please take a minute and comment here.