Communicating With Seniors: Where Do You Start?
by Ted Hackney
Most of my work for the past 23 years has been with people we often refer to as “senior citizens.” These “Seniors” come in all shapes, sizes, colors and ethnicities. Their beliefs and value systems have been incredibly diverse. Many of them would resent being classified as Seniors, because they see themselves as unique, vibrant, human beings with much to offer the world. They do not want to be lumped together with a bunch of “old people.” I cannot begin to tell you how often someone aged 75 or older has referred to another person or group as “old,” making clear that he is not part of “old. Using the term Senior is simply a politically correct way to describe people who are typically aged 65 or older.
As we grow older we often need to interact with parents, relatives or loved ones who are Seniors. We may think we are merely being practical or logical when we make a statement to a Senior that somehow ends up not accomplishing what we had hoped. Our communication attempt may fail simply because we are not addressing the concerns that are truly important to that person. When we demand that another person view something as important because we think it is important, we may be creating a barrier to effective communication. Communicating effectively with anyone, Senior or otherwise, requires that we take time to understand the forces that drive that person – what is important to them, and why.
David Solie, in his book “How to Say it to Seniors” maintains that there are two developmental drivers in Seniors that can cause conflict within themselves, and with the agendas of those with whom they interact. Specifically, Seniors are concerned with “maintaining control” and with their “legacy.” There is not enough room or time to discuss all the research available on these issues, but here are some things Solie says to consider when you are attempting to communicate with a Senior:
Desire to Maintain Control
- The agenda of an older person and your own will often be very different. Frustration, impatience, anger, sarcasm, scolding or manipulating with guilt (bullying) will not accomplish what you want. These behaviors on your part often make future interactions with a senior even more difficult.
- Needing your help while still wanting to be someone you look up to can be a confusing role for a Senior. They usually do not want to ask for help and often see themselves as people who should be helping you, the younger person who in the past needed guidance or direction. This role reversal, relying on younger people can be almost embarrassing to a Senior.
- Don’t fight, facilitate – ask what you can do to help a Senior to accomplish what they want. This means you must actually ask the question, “What would you like to happen (with this situation)” or “Tell me what to do to (accomplish what the Senior wants).” Often, people, not just Seniors, will become more cooperative when they realize you are listening and they will also realize that they do not really know what they want. They just don’t want to be “forced” to do anything.
- Back Off – give Seniors room to make a decision, ask questions, resolve their feelings. This is not unique advice. It is respectful behavior when communicating with our spouses, friends, employees, bosses, or pretty much anyone. People often have trouble with decisions when they feel pressured.
Desire to Establish A Legacy
- Seniors want to figure out what their lives meant. The classic questions asked in plays and philosophy throughout history are often on the minds of Seniors – “who am I?” and “why am I here?” They want to know “how will I be remembered?
- As Seniors review their lives they will often focus on things that seem unimportant to you, or they may remember events very differently than you do. The key for good communication is not to correct their perceptions, but to try to understand their need to make sense of their lives. We have all heard the expression that “Dad has mellowed,” which may only mean that he is rethinking the things that are actually important to him now.
- Looking backward is required for most Seniors to achieve peace. As they approach the uncertainty of death they need to be comfortable with the legacy they are leaving.
by Ted Hackney
To find out more about Ted Hackney click here.