“The remarkable thing is I have a choice every day of what my attitude will be. I cannot change my past. I cannot change the actions of others. I cannot change the inevitable. The only thing I can change is attitude. Life is ten percent what happens to me and ninety percent how I react to it.” ― Charles R. Swindoll
Multiple credible sources say that life is 90% about our reactions. If that is so, we need to learn to react in ways that are beneficial. To do that we have to decide of time who we are. We have to be very sure and confident in both our heart and head, of who we are because reactions come from that deep place. When we have this kind of confidence – we control our reactions and they become helpful.
Reactions may be flippant and short lived, or drawn out for months or years (as was mine in the story below). . . but the truth is a reaction comes from what we believe in our heart and head.
Years ago, I reacted to a friends cutting accusations by reeling in hurt for far too long. The truth was she had seen right through me, but my pride kept me from realizing it and owning up to what she was getting at. I had offered to help and it offended her greatly. She accused me of thinking she was inadequate. Her tone and choice of words were just plain mean, calling me names and such. It was true, I did see her as inadequate. But the truth is, I believe we are all inadequate in some way – that’s why God created us to live in community. We are supposed to be there for each other and help each other where we are inadequate or weak.
I reacted with an uncalled for amount of hurt. Had I been forthright and acknowledged the fact that she was right, that indeed I did see her as inadequate, things would probably have played out better. But I shut down. Putting that into words was not something I was willing to try to do in the moment. It didn’t feel right to say and the last thing I wanted to do was respond to meanness with meanness. But shutting down did not help me! It hurt me tremendously! And I reeled in hurt for a long time.
She attacked me when I was offering help. Instead of responding with acknowledging the truth that she so aptly exposed, I apologized – repeatedly – expecting to, in time, receive forgiveness. That never happened. Even upon my final apology, begging for forgiveness weeks later, she ridiculed me telling me I was acting like an adolescent. It was so very bizarre to me that a grown woman would choose to be so insulting. But that is not the point. My reaction was weak – based on fear and insecurity. It was my reaction that caused me so much pain. Had I been bold and chosen confidence, knowing my intentions were pure, her words would not have been able to penetrate my heart.
Since then I have learned that my reactions come from the belief about who I am. Like most people, I struggle with insecurity and fear, so I have to consciously choose an attitude of confidence and boldness. By confidently saying that I was sorry she was offended and boldly stating that my offer was motivated out of love and compassion, I could have avoided feeling so much pain. It was the attitude fear of insecurity that I chose that caused me to first, shut down, and then be bitter for a while.
The feelings of woundedness and bitterness keep us down and prevent us from choosing healthy attitudes of joy, thankfulness, boldness and confidence. As Swindoll says our attitude is something we can choose. If we can choose it, we can change it! And boy does that change feel good!
