I read an article last week written by a business woman who feared she was “too honest.” She said she thought that her customers might actually be scared away by her honesty. It made me think about my own honesty.
Years ago I was accused of being brutally honest. I prided myself on my honesty but I certainly didn’t want to hurt anyone. Was it true? Was my honesty brutal? I knew that my intentions were pure but realized that with immature delivery, the point, whatever it was, would be lost. There is a proverb that says, “Be kind and honest and you will live a long life; others will respect you and treat you fairly.” – I want to be kind AND honest – not brutal!
I was somewhat confused by the accusation. I knew what it meant, but I thought my words were pretty gentle. I knew, even in college, that my friends valued my honesty and would come to me when they wanted the straight up truth. ie: I gained a reputation with girls on my floor, and soon many were coming to me to when they needed another pair of eyes to determine if the outfit was flattering! They kept coming back so I knew my answers weren’t offensive. I don’t remember exactly how I handled it when I thought their choice was atrocious – oh, and some were! I imagine I asked them to bring options, so we could pick the best one.
I’d never been accused of brutality before. Certainly, without gentleness, honesty can cause undue hurt. Examining my words a bit more carefully was surely not going to hurt, but as I did, I began to wonder if some folks just don’t want the truth? It was such a foreign idea to me, could it be true?
Obviously, if people don’t ask, they probably don’t want to know, but what I’ve learned as a coach is that even when people ask, many do not want the truth, or so it seems. It is true some love flattery more than truth. Ahhh yes, and here’s the rub. Who says my opinion is the truth? ME! – don’t we all!! . . . . but that’t another story! 🙂
More mature people and those who have a desire to excel want our honesty. They enjoy gathering people’s thoughts and opinions because it helps them grow. They are wise enough to recognize and filter the source of the comments and enjoy assimilating (probably subconsciously) the information they have gathered.
When we are too tied to our thoughts and opinions and believe it is THE truth we can become overbearing, trying to get them to do things our way. Funny how those folks are rarely asked but offer their thoughts very often with force and power as thought it is in fact THE truth! That’s what I’d call Brutal Honesty.
As a coaches, we are trained not to offer our opinions, even when asked – and for good reason. Most folks have heard, or can think of, a lot of opinions about whatever they are dealing with. Another opinion rarely makes a difference. People are continually gathering information: opinions, ideas, facts, etc.. What helps is walking through the filtering process together. Noting the sources from whence gremlins are coming and highlighting the things that might be helpful.
Even more difficult than filtering is utilizing and implementing what we’ve learned – great coaches excel in these areas.
The article I read was about being “too honest” honest, not brutally honest – that was my own soap box. As I read through her piece I believe what was happening was information overload. Honesty is vitally important in life and business. However, it is crucial that we are discerning as to how and when we share. We can indeed scare people away with too much information! We generally take things in best, a little at a time.
Lack of honesty usually happens in phases. Deception usually comes before outright lies. Most of us want to be honest, but when business, our reputation or someone or something we care about are at stake we may want to hide some things. This is our first warning signal. Sharing at the right time and deception are two very different things. What is making us want to hide?
We can also hurt people with information they are not prepared to receive. While it is sometimes necessary to share such things – it isn’t always. Discernment is key. Asking ourselves why we want to share something can be enlightening.
Our motives are not always pure. While it may be helpful for us to get something off our chest, if it damages another, is it the right thing to do?
Though some folks think complete vulnerability is what we are to be about, I beg to differ. Even Jesus chose not to share some things with some people.
Too honest and brutally honest have some big draw back, how about we aim for kind and honest. We’ll feel good about how we’re treating people and have a clear conscience too!
