Tag: attitude

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Unresolved Issues

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Wouldn’t you rather just avoid unresolved issues? Bringing them up can feel like we’re asking for a fight. However, unresolved issues that have caused wounds tend to raise their ugly head when new conflicts arise yet if we can keep our minds focussed on the current conflict, resolve to that issue comes much more quickly. Until past wounds have healed those memories will, more than likely, arise causing pain, uncertainty and unneceesary turmoil over current issues.

I recently took care of a 4 year old issue. I know, that’s crazy – I’m a relationship coach! But I do happen to be human. It wasn’t that I’d meant to stuff it. At first it was too painful to talk about. Every time I tried I’d end up in tears and then get flustered and couldn’t make my points and he’d get mad because we  had a good and loving relationship so he thought we should have been able to move on -and I agreed. So I stuffed it.

Years past and it didn’t rear it’s ugly head anymore – except when it did. I was going to say it was only because current circumstances seemed to mimic what had happened. I wasn’t mad but the pain felt a little raw so I’m sure hormones and other factors also played into it. Fortunately, being a relationship coach, I did realize that trying talk through it when I was feeling the pain was a terrible idea, so I waited for an opportune time. To him it seemed odd. We hadn’t dug up old stuff in years – we just don’t do that because we’ve forgiven and given most things a proper burial.
But this one thing . . .

So, one evening when we were dreaming together I caught myself backing up very quickly because a wave of fear swept over me and I knew it was the right time to bring it up.

Another thing I’ve learned is that prefacing sensitive conversations with the intention helps tremendously so I told him I needed to talk about something before I could dream freely. I told him I wanted to be confident that we could move into this new phase of life on the same page and know for certain that we would work through differences by communicating openly. I let him know that my intention for the conversation was to give me the security and confidence I needed for us to have the best relationship possible. While he still wasn’t excited to have the conversation he understood the importance. 

It wasn’t an easy conversation but by prefacing it with my intention and expressing how I was hurt rather than accusing him we were able to work through it pretty quickly. Funny thing is, there wasn’t a lot of forgiving to do. Just hearing how he viewed what had happened acknowledging both his part and mine gave me the assurance that we were on the same page. Finally it could be laid to rest permanently.

No couple will ever agree on everything and there may always be sadness around some issues, but wounds that fester and are buried do not die quickly. These memories hurt our relationship. They need to be laid to rest properly and permanently. It takes two mature people who love each other deeply and are committed to a good and growing relationship to tend to old wounds. If you’re not there, don’t rush it. The last thing you want is more damage done. 

One way to test the waters to see if your relationship mature enough to handle tending to old wounds is to preface your conversation with your pure motives and see how it flies. 

For me, I knew that I couldn’t dream about certain things with him or entertain ideas that were even remotely close to looking like the situation that our unresolved issued was around. I was afraid that a nightmare would creep in and steel the dream again. I wanted us to acknowledge that without intentionality it could happen again. And I wanted assurance that we would be make our relationship more important than the dream.

A demand for a confession or forgiveness is never helpful, so don’t go there even if that is what you think you need. Instead ask yourself, what is the benefit I want from talking about this issue? And proceed with confidence and sensitivity. Another day may be a better choice. Choosing your time wisely will help ensure the outcome you desire.

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It’s Not My Fault!

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He must be an only child!

The thought comes naturally. What child doesn’t say ‘he did it’ or ‘she made me’ when they get caught? Shifting blame is one escape and one lie that we’ve all justified at one time or another.

It’s a deception we buy into without even realizing it.

One key to knowing if you’re playing into the blame game is being conscious of when you think or say things like,  “If they didn’t ___________ then I wouldn’t _____________. ”

We feel a lot better about ourselves if we can put the onus of why we did something we wish we hadn’t done on someone else. For example “I’m always late to work because my daughter isn’t a morning person and I can’t get her in the car on time.” Or, “If my wife wasn’t such a nag I might actually do some of the things on the honey do list.”  Or, “I know I’m negative, but you would be too if you worked in the environment I work in.”

Or maybe you blame your past on who you are today. I love the NCIS episode where Callen asks the young man in trouble “so how many foster homes were you in?” and he says “nine” Callen responds compassionately and says “yeah it is rough – I was in 37.”

As adults we have the opportunity to choose how we will live,  what we will think and what we will do and say. Someone should really claim responsibility for this great quote, “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it.”

Blame comes naturally. Taking responsibility does not. It seems to a child, and to us when we are not conscious of what we are doing, that shifting blame protects us. If we claim innocence we look good. Wrong! Think about the people in your circles that you most admire. My guess is not that they are perfect or claim to be perfect. My guess is that they are the folks who live life to the fullest, make mistakes and get back up again. They are the people who do their best realizing that sometimes things are truly out of their control but they take responsibility for who they are, what they do and what they say. They are empowered people.

It can be a little scary to own up to things. I think most of us are categorically blamers. We take responsibility for most stuff but there are some areas we don’t. I don’t think of myself as a blamer, but I have to admit to a few areas that are just hard! I’m rethinking as I write this how I will make different choices in the future.

I realize from past experience how empowering it is to take responsibility. It has empowered me to forgive myself and move forward with a renewed spirit and renewed energy. I hope you will take time to rethink how you might be shifting blame so that you too can make different choices, be empowered to forgive and find freedom. It’s worth it!

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Dave & Suzette’s Story

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My husband and I have a healthy marriage, but that has not always been the case.

With our 27th anniversary quickly approaching we’ve had our fair share of ups and downs but two of our downs have been bad – real bad! 
I tell you our story (with permission :)) because: I want you to know that if your marriage isn’t what you want it to be – we can relate! And more importantly, to give you hope.  

Miserable would be a good way to describe us. It lasted a couple of years, back in the mid 90’s. I’m not proud of it, but it was so awful I threatened to leave. I said I didn’t want a divorce but I was leaving unless things changed – immediately. I would not advise this, but I told him that he had less than a week to figure some things out or I was on a plane and would not return until he had. He was shocked but knew I was serious. Things changed. It was a slow process, but once I saw him making an effort my patience was restored. No doubt, I had some changing to do myself but I didn’t know it then. Most of my changing came years later! Poor guy!

The next decade was great. Then it happened again. Who knows what triggered it, but we derailed off a lovely track. We sought help – together. This time it was him who was fearful that we might not make it. We worked hard and both grew individually and as a couple, but it was our individual growth that reignited the romance and fun and provided the strength and security that we had jeopardized. 

After a few months of healing some wounds our sessions stalled out. We began talking about the same things from week to week with no new growth. Dave finally said, “If we are going to continue getting professional help we need to find a coach to help us move from good to great.”  

We didn’t know of any Relationship Coaches back then, so we just decided to apply the skills I’d learned in coaching to ‘us’. It worked so well I wanted to try it out on others and became certified.

Being instrumental in taking relationships from good to great is wonderful but walking hand in hand with couples who are on the court room steps back to the arms of a loving spouse is more fulfilling than any job I can imagine. 

The end of our story to date is …..  “and they lived happily ever after.” 

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Infected by Other’s Bad Moods?

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It’s crazy to think about. Whether at the office, at home, or even at a social event, one person’s demeanor often sets the tone and determines the atmosphere for all.

When the strongest personality or one in authority is struck with negativity, their bad mood can be like a super bug.  It is likely to infect everyone they come in contact with and the recovery process can be terribly difficult. It takes some super supplements to ward off the infection! I wish there were a pill that gave us mood immunity, but it takes a lot more effort than popping a pill!  

I never liked the word ‘boundaries.’ For some reason it had a negative connotation in my mind, until I realized that it was my lack of them that was causing me to have low immunity to other’s moods. Now that I’ve accepted that they are necessary, I like to think of them like the outer walls and foundation of a structure. Before anyone creates boundaries for themselves it’s a good idea to think about, and plan what they want it (their life) to look like just as you would do if you were building a building. If a responsible builder knows he is in an earthquake zone he plans accordingly. If I know that a family member, co-worker or friend has been smitten with the bad mood bug I must plan accordingly.

One of the main pieces of the frame of my life has been a determination to build it in such a way that it is unshakable. Like an earthquake proof building I’ve withstood most of the storms of life, but there’s been more damage that needed repair by people in bad moods than I’d like! Bad mood immunity is one type of storm that, for me, takes constant reinforcement. I’ve had to figure out what kinds of supplements keep my boundaries strong. It’s taken effort and perseverance to figure out what I need.

If your immune system is weak when it comes to being in contact with people in bad moods, I challenge you to do the work. Figure out which boundaries need strengthening and then get yourself the right supplements to keep them strong.

Fortunately the Bad Mood bug is NOT a super bug. The antidote has just not been discovered by all.

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Tip For Finding Joy in Life and Relationships

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I had so much fun with my cohort Laurie Hardie hanging out, talking and prepping to host ‘Live From Seattle’ that it got me thinking about how much good it does a soul to have fun.  

When I say fun, I just mean doing something enjoyable. Something you look forward to with a smile on your face…. something you want to do and you will be glad you did.

I intended for this post to concentrate on relationships and how fun times together can move us into more rewarding relationships but I have to start with addressing individuals because it takes a healthy person to have a healthy relationship.  That’s not to say Relationship Coaching doesn’t work with unhealthy individuals, it can – it just takes a slightly different approach.  

Depression is very very common. If you struggle with it, here is one simple step that can help. Plan to have fun. I’d suggest planning something little every day, something a little bigger weekly and something really fun at least once a month. If you immediately think ‘I don’t have money so this won’t work for me’, you’re wrong! Learning to enjoy, relish and appreciate the little things helps bring life back to a dark soul. The daily kinds of things might be having a cup of tea with your daughter or taking an indulgently long hot shower after a good workout or dusting off and playing your guitar again. 

Just taking the time to think about and put them on your calendar helps us really be present in the experience and cherish the moments.  Whether or not you have money, if you think you can only have wonderful experiences when your spending money, I want to challenge you to get creative and return to the things that really matter and plan things that take little to no money. Often this very act will help re-frame your thinking and get you back into a place of joy.

Struggling relationships are often revitalized by fun. Playful activities that both parties enjoy can take the edge off  being together. If you are in a really bad place, you might want to be sure that there is not a long car ride involved the first time you try this. The more often you are able to make these enjoyable moments/hours occur the better. Just make sure the activities stay untainted from ugly behavior. What often happens is that the more fun times that are incorporated into the relationship the less tension there is regarding other issues and healthier communication begins to flow. 

Give it a whirl and remember having fun, on a regular basis, does a world of good for a darkened soul!