Tag: coaching

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Testimonies – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #12

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Tina’s Testimony:
“Calling Suzette was a last ditch effort. We’d been miserable for years and I was done. Something had to give. He was looking for apartments and that was fine with me. I don’t know why I called her. I guess I knew in my heart of hearts (because I’d done coaching in the past) that things could be different. I had no idea how different! I am more in love with Tim than ever. He’s been out of a job and we finished with coaching months ago, but we are still doing great. It’s like we we got 
reprogrammed.”

Tim’s Testimony:
“I dreaded the thought of coaching. What I didn’t know is that it would be all about making changes. Little by little we changed the way we communicated and we changed our habits. It was the Action Steps that changed our lives. At first I was skeptical. We’d paid for so much counseling through the years and we were still a mess. I agreed but didn’t expect much. I also wondered what it meant for us as a couple, did it mean we weren’t meant to be together, did it mean we were dysfunctional? I think it was really helpful to have Suzette listen and give a different perspective. She was also great about adapting to our personalities and what would 
work for us, not just a formula from a book.   

 I learned a lot about my wife, things I never knew before. Suzette also helped us communicate in ways we had never thought of before. I learned that my assessment of who I was and what I thought was not as accurate as I thought. I learned how to open myself up, and I am much more self aware about my reactions and interactions with not only my wife, but also with others. I was surprised how much Suzette helped us as people, in addition to helping our relationship. I am a better person in many facets of my life, not to mention a better husband.
I absolutely would recommend Suzette. Her kind ear and creative mind really can help everyone for any type of goal you may have to improve your life. It wasn’t all skipping through the daises. Some days I wanted to throw in the towel. I really felt like she put in the effort to personalize her actions towards us as individuals. No matter what it is, I think Suzette can help you reach your goals.” 

I want to publicly thank you, Tim & Tina, for allowing me to tell your stories. Your transformation has been truly miraculous to witness. Thank you for allowing me to play a part.  I hope and pray that other lives, families and marriages will be restored because of you.

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Wrap Up – Tim & Tina #11

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On the edge of the cliff of divorce back in January of 2012, Tim and Tina called me to see if I thought there was any hope. We did approx. 6 months of coaching. 
I then started blogging about them in September and have written 10 posts to give you an idea of the varied issues we addressed.

Because there are so many other success stories to tell, not to mention the random thoughts I’d like to share, I think I’m done blogging about Tim and Tina. 🙂

While I’m aware that my blog posts do not really show how coaching works, I hope they give you a glimpse of how effective it can be for those who are willing to engage in the process and hope that they have shown that very few things are non coachable.  You should know that mental illness, serious abuse and real addictions are not within the realm of my training or expertise.

If you have questions about coaching, don’t hesitate to call me.  References are also available.

Their testimonies next week.

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Betrayal = Emergency Call – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #10

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Late one evening my phone rang. I recognized the number so I answered. Tim and Tina were both on the line. “I feel so betrayed!” Tina sobbed.  My mind raced.

She couldn’t speak so Tim blurted out, “I started smoking again. I haven’t smoked in years, but I don’t know…. losing my job- yeah, well she caught me”  pause “and this is exactly why I keep things from her!!!”

 

Tina gained composure (sort of) and shared about how well they’d been doing but this was a “big fat lie and she was not going to live with a liar!“  She cried but continued, “If only he’d been honest things would be so different!  He could have just told me – that would have been so much better.”  Tim didn’t buy it. Until now, Tim said he honestly thought that hiding this embarrassing habit was protecting everyone. He certainly didn’t want their little girl Tessa to know!

Tina admitted that over reacting was sometimes an issue. Flippantly I challenged her to think about what her reaction would have been had he simply announced that he had resumed this nasty habit.  It was an unexpected call and I’m not sure I was on my best game as a coach, but we worked through it and then worked on a plan for creating a safe place for all things, good and bad, to be shared.

The next morning I got a “Spot Call” from Tina.  I told her I thought I’d been a little hard on her, but she wouldn’t hear it. She told me she needed to be challenged. Phew! She said that they talked about their plan for dealing with similar situations in the future.  He vowed to take the risk.  In the future he would tell her he was going to be vulnerable despite his fears. She vowed that upon hearing these words she would listen and respond appropriately.

Next week I’ll wrap up Tim and Tina’s story with a couple of final issues we dealt with. Then their testimonies! Can’t wait for those 🙂

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The Work it Took – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #9

After 6 months of Tim & Tina were beginning to have trouble knowing what else they wanted to change. We began a session by recounting the work they had done so far.  Their marriage was all but over when we began, but with work, these things had changed:

  • Mutual respect when communicating – being as polite with each other as with a friend
  • Communicating in general – recognizing old patterns quickly and stopping them, keeping the dust devils from turning into tornadoes
  • Forgiveness for wounds from the past
  • The ability to shift the focus from negative to positive  
  • Non sexual affection
  • Verbalizing admiration and appreciation
  • Reviving Intimacy
  • Recognizing triggers and being respectful 
  • Allowing the other to have their own emotions without taking them on personally
  • Planning ahead for stressful situations
  • Parenting
  • The desire to have a legacy of a good marriage 
  • Keeping God’s truths at the center of the relationship 

7323549After talking about how far they’d come, Tim confessed, “I have some forgiving to do as well.  It’s frustrating that Tina has lost faith in my words but I know I caused a lot of pain in our relationship which caused her to act in certain ways. I have to forgive you Tina for holding onto that pain too long and I have to forgive me – that’s even harder. I want this marriage more than anything else in life but it’s caused more pain than anything. I want nothing more than to give. I’ve felt convicted of my own part in this and I realize it takes action and it takes time.  Maybe most importantly, it takes consistency on my part. That’s what I want to be about.”

It was nice for Tina to be able to be the support person. She was ecstatic to see his determination and commitment to be faithful to the work of creating a great marriage. They were both aware that the work would never end, but it was getting much easier. It was a work they were beginning to enjoy. It seemed so good! Tina certainly wasn’t prepared for the big let down that was about to drop.

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Loss of Job & Death of Dream? – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #8

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Letting a dream die doesn’t sound like something a coach would want for a client, and I don’t.  Fantasies on the other hand can damage our psyche and ruin relationships. When we allow our minds to dwell on “…imagining things that are impossible…”  (wikipedia) we can stifle dreams that could be realities.

The death of Tina’s prince charming was the death of a fantasy – a fantasy she’d entertained since childhood. While I encourage young women to have high standards for the man they plan to spend the rest of their lives with, the suitor is in dangerous territory if the young lady holds her prince charming fantasy as her standard.  Tina had done just that.

In the process of working to forgive, Tina realized what she’d done and determined that she wanted to love Tim for who he was, and let go of the fantasy. She longed to be loved for who she was, so why had she not realized that he wanted and deserved the same? The death of her idealized prince charming freed her to love Tim more deeply than ever! Their dreams of a wonderful life together would now be possible.

Tim was suddenly let go from his job.  He was a big wig – a top performer in the nation, but as happens all too often, he was cut when his company was bought out. The loss of a job can be devastating to a relationship but for them, it only caused a bump in the road.

Tim needed (or thought he needed) a pity party and a crutch.  Tina handled the pity party pretty well – she even joined him at the party, but she didn’t find out about the crutch until later. Tim’s struggle with self loathing came back with a vengeance – for a few days. By the grace of God, he said, it didn’t last long.

There is more to this blog series, but I want you to know. . .  . Our coaching package ended a few months ago and to this day, Tim is unemployed. To my delight, they let me know they are still doing well. They’ve had some rough spots, but I assured them they always would! 🙂