Tag: coaching

Posted on

Dave & Suzette’s Story

3104929

My husband and I have a healthy marriage, but that has not always been the case.

With our 27th anniversary quickly approaching we’ve had our fair share of ups and downs but two of our downs have been bad – real bad! 
I tell you our story (with permission :)) because: I want you to know that if your marriage isn’t what you want it to be – we can relate! And more importantly, to give you hope.  

Miserable would be a good way to describe us. It lasted a couple of years, back in the mid 90’s. I’m not proud of it, but it was so awful I threatened to leave. I said I didn’t want a divorce but I was leaving unless things changed – immediately. I would not advise this, but I told him that he had less than a week to figure some things out or I was on a plane and would not return until he had. He was shocked but knew I was serious. Things changed. It was a slow process, but once I saw him making an effort my patience was restored. No doubt, I had some changing to do myself but I didn’t know it then. Most of my changing came years later! Poor guy!

The next decade was great. Then it happened again. Who knows what triggered it, but we derailed off a lovely track. We sought help – together. This time it was him who was fearful that we might not make it. We worked hard and both grew individually and as a couple, but it was our individual growth that reignited the romance and fun and provided the strength and security that we had jeopardized. 

After a few months of healing some wounds our sessions stalled out. We began talking about the same things from week to week with no new growth. Dave finally said, “If we are going to continue getting professional help we need to find a coach to help us move from good to great.”  

We didn’t know of any Relationship Coaches back then, so we just decided to apply the skills I’d learned in coaching to ‘us’. It worked so well I wanted to try it out on others and became certified.

Being instrumental in taking relationships from good to great is wonderful but walking hand in hand with couples who are on the court room steps back to the arms of a loving spouse is more fulfilling than any job I can imagine. 

The end of our story to date is …..  “and they lived happily ever after.” 

Posted on

Tip For Finding Joy in Life and Relationships

3484758
I had so much fun with my cohort Laurie Hardie hanging out, talking and prepping to host ‘Live From Seattle’ that it got me thinking about how much good it does a soul to have fun.  

When I say fun, I just mean doing something enjoyable. Something you look forward to with a smile on your face…. something you want to do and you will be glad you did.

I intended for this post to concentrate on relationships and how fun times together can move us into more rewarding relationships but I have to start with addressing individuals because it takes a healthy person to have a healthy relationship.  That’s not to say Relationship Coaching doesn’t work with unhealthy individuals, it can – it just takes a slightly different approach.  

Depression is very very common. If you struggle with it, here is one simple step that can help. Plan to have fun. I’d suggest planning something little every day, something a little bigger weekly and something really fun at least once a month. If you immediately think ‘I don’t have money so this won’t work for me’, you’re wrong! Learning to enjoy, relish and appreciate the little things helps bring life back to a dark soul. The daily kinds of things might be having a cup of tea with your daughter or taking an indulgently long hot shower after a good workout or dusting off and playing your guitar again. 

Just taking the time to think about and put them on your calendar helps us really be present in the experience and cherish the moments.  Whether or not you have money, if you think you can only have wonderful experiences when your spending money, I want to challenge you to get creative and return to the things that really matter and plan things that take little to no money. Often this very act will help re-frame your thinking and get you back into a place of joy.

Struggling relationships are often revitalized by fun. Playful activities that both parties enjoy can take the edge off  being together. If you are in a really bad place, you might want to be sure that there is not a long car ride involved the first time you try this. The more often you are able to make these enjoyable moments/hours occur the better. Just make sure the activities stay untainted from ugly behavior. What often happens is that the more fun times that are incorporated into the relationship the less tension there is regarding other issues and healthier communication begins to flow. 

Give it a whirl and remember having fun, on a regular basis, does a world of good for a darkened soul!

Posted on

Feeling Robbed, Cheated or Deprived of Precious Time?

3302848
Negative thinking creeps in fast especially when we feel robbed, cheated or deprived. But allowing this feeling to persist only weakens us and makes us more vulnerable to the attack of the thief!

While some people struggle because of demanding work schedules, others feel robbed because they are compelled to deal with situations and circumstances not of their choosing. Still others feel cheated because of needy people.

Deciding how you want to spend your time is the first step to fighting the time bandits. This can be a tricky and heady conversation. Heady in the sense that it may be one “Tending to upset the mind or balance of the senses.”

For many giving creedence to what they can’t control and taking responsiblity of their own values, responses, actions and feelings is tough. If you are not clear on these, that is the first place to start. Assuming you already have a good grasp on that, this simple process helps fight the time bandit and bring victory.

Unlike physical robbery, the thief can only steal a days worth of time, or a days worth of peace. It may take more than a day to get your security system in order, but with a little research and proper installation/utilization, he won’t keep stealing for long!

3 Steps for Combatting The Time Bandit
1.Determine what is causing the feeling of loss. Ask “what specifically has the thief stolen?” Write everything down.

2.Consider what security you currently have in place to keep the bandit from stealing again? He will return, so what is it you will put in place to deter him? If you don’t know, where will you start your research? ADT, Front Point and Home Depot all have good options for securing your home. It’s time to explore the options for securing your heart. Much better to lose your possessions than waste your life feeling robbed, cheated or deprived.

3. After determining your security system look back at #1 to be sure you’ve covered all your bases. Then get to work installing the security system for your heart.

I’d love to hear your stories! Please take a minute and comment here.

Posted on

Joe & Carri #8 – Closer to Home

1392757
Joe began the session by announcing that his job transfer request was granted, and his move back to the states was already scheduled. It would be several weeks, but the process was in motion. His move would not take him back to Carri, but it would get him much closer to home – on a temporary assignment.

Carri was nervous. Joe loved being overseas. She didn’t want him to give up his dream on her account. She didn’t want to be blamed if things didn’t work out.  With a little effort, she was able to relax by realizing that Joe was solely responsible for his decision, but with the added pressure of him being state-side, she felt it necessary to make it quite clear that she was not ready to be reunited – at least not permanently. Even so, this turn of events pushed them to deeper levels.

Joe accused Carri of doing very well without him and made sure she knew he was dying inside. She affirmed that she was doing better because she was no longer in the depths of depression, but firmly asserted she was NOT doing well. She missed him and hated having to do everything by herself. She started to say she would give anything to be together again but changed it to – she would (and was doing) anything and everything to make being together again better.

Though they were not ready to determine when or how they could make life together work, they decided they needed to know what non-negotiable the other would demand for it to ever be a possibility. Interestingly, this ended up  mostly being a reiteration of the vision they had already cast.

Once again, they realized their goals largely overlapped. He stressed that he wanted to be in a relationship where both parties put a high value on the relationship and she said she wanted to be in a relationship where both parties fully engaged with each other. Hmmm, sounded to me like their ideas weren’t too far apart. Upon further exploration they agreed!

Suddenly Joe began to rant, We’ve painted ourselves into a corner and  have no place to go. I need assurance that this is temporary. I don’t want this to go on for years.  I want us to be together so we CAN work on things. I need assurance we aren’t going to end up like Mike and Sally – apart for 9 years.

Carri quickly assured him she didn’t want to end up like Mike and Sally either. She wanted healing, restoration and new strength. She wanted to be healthy, happy and loving and she wanted to be married to a happy, healthy loving man so they could have a healthy happy, loving relationship. She said she needed reassurance too. So they decided to, as an Action Step, contact each other daily to specifically assure the other of this desire.

Posted on

Joe & Carri #6 – Leaping Forward

8936942

Carri began by admitting she wanted to change the way she was thinking. For so long she had believed that she had to be a certain way in order for Joe to like her. It was hard for her to let go and just be herself. She wanted to have the confidence to be herself whether or not it was met with approval, but it made her feel rebellious. 

Carri was beginning to recognize her own behavior patterns. She’d always gone along with whatever Joe had wanted, denying herself the right to have an opinion and honestly believing she didn’t have one.  

Readdressing their individual dreams was great practice. Carri knew her dreams were just as valid as Joe’s, and she got to practice articulating why and how they could be good for their marriage. His dreams were still short term and that was fine, she was willing to accept his desire to dream about the here and now. 

Joe, did exactly what all coaches hope their clients will do. He began taking giant leaps towards making his dreams come true. He wanted so badly to be reunited with his wife, but two things were standing in the way. 1) He lived and worked on the other side of the world. 2) Carri wasn’t ready.

He couldn’t do a lot about changing Carri’s timing, but he could begin the process of seeking a job transfer. By the end of the week – he was doing just that!