Tag: communication

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Saving Relationships – Step #4 – A Lesson From Rex

9370959We have a dog. His name is Rex. Something we’ve noticed over the years is how he is happiest to be with the one who has been giving him the most attention. 

No duh! He knows that I am the one who takes care of his needs most of the time, so I am in the alpha position and he is always loyal to me, but when I am too busy to be bothered with petting or playing with him, he doesn’t come running when I arrive home. He prefers the company of the one who gives him what he wants – not what he needs.

Maybe a good petting and a round of frisbee won’t do the trick, so think hard, what is it? What did you used to do for them that made them feel on top of the world?  Was it affirmation?

*It’s amazing what a few kind, meaningful words do for a person!

*Maybe you used to surprise them with little gifts?

*How about a little act of service that you know they’d appreciate.

*Likely your relationship thrived on the giving of your undivided attention on a regular basis and don’t forget those loving gestures of affection.

If your spouse isn’t all that interested in creating an awesome marriage – try going it alone. Some things are contagious! And who knows, you may end up reaping what you sow before too long.

If it’s been a while since you’ve cared enough to invest yourself in your marriage, just take one a day and make it simple. For instance:

*Monday -tell them what it is about them that makes      
   you proud -make it short and sweet

*Tuesday -drop by their office with their favorite drink

 *Wednesday  fill up their car with gas

 *Thursday -ask them about something they like to talk 
   about and REALLY listen

 *Friday -oops this one doesn’t work once a week – non 
   sexual affection is a daily thing   (see Saving   
   Relationships – Step #2 for more on this)

True words of affirmation, unexpected gifts that they like, acts of service (especially things they don’t enjoy doing),  really being heard and affection with no expectation – these are things every person on the planet earth desires.

PLEASE, please please do not use the daily plan as a formula. Be creative, be intentional, be consistent and be persistent. Your dedication to the process, regardless of the initial response, is key to your success.

Step #4 – A Lesson From Rex: Give ‘em What They Want

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Saving Relationships – Step #3 – How to Get Over The Past

8405503_origIs the past still hanging out the with you making it hard to take even these little steps in the right direction? 

The good news is that getting over your past is a done deal because guess what?  Your past is already over!  And you can let go of it too because it’s not holding you – you are holding onto it!  It’s your choice as to when you decide to let go. Yes, yes, I know – you want to, but it’s hard to do!!  (I asked one of my clients to read this prior to posting and they said that I needed to add…. “it may be hard, but the reward is soooooo worth it!)

So how do folks, who have gone through the most awful stuff, emerge on the other side with relationships that are stronger than before the trauma? Of course, if you think for just a second, you’ll know the answer, but I won’t make you think – I’ll just go ahead and blurt it out.  They learn from it! Yep, they allow the tough times to be what they are supposed to be
– a catalyst for growth rather than an excuse for destruction.

What will you choose? 
Catalyst For Growth  OR
Excuse For Destruction?

I’m going to assume you want to take the high road. And yes, it can be tough to climb high enough to reach that high road, but once you get there the results are far more pleasant – for everyone involved.

What does it take? Forgiveness may be the first thing that comes to mind, but what if you didn’t have to feel that pressure just yet?  What if all you need to do right now is  humbly accept the fact that what happened is not something you can do anything about and embraced the truth – it’s not worth your time and energy thinking about how things could have been different.  Then directed your focus (time and energy) into how you would like your future to look? Often we focus so much on trying to forgive that we stifle our growth and stay in unforgiveness way too long.  Maybe God’s way of helping us with  the feeling of forgiveness is to grant those feelings to us when we choose to stop focusing on how difficult it is and begin focussing on moving forward.

Every situation is different.  But the strategy is the same.  We have to change our mindset if we want to get over our past and look at it as a catalyst for growth. So begin asking yourself, how do I want to be different because of this?  What is my vision of a great relationship and what is my part in making it happen?

Step #3 – Get Over The Past by Focusing on the Future You Desire

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Saving Relationships – Step#2

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Okay – this isn’t a secret.  Everyone seems to know that human touch is crucial for human development.  We’ve heard this statistic:  “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” —Virginia Satir – Family Therapist (1916-1988)

But did you know that human touch is crucial for relationship development and is a crucial step for saving a relationship? I’m not talking about sex or even sexual advances.  I’m talking a loving kiss on the forehead, a gentle caress of the cheek, a caring back or foot rub, a knowing squeeze of the hand – you get the idea. These are things appropriate for your kids, your parents and YES your spouse.  If this seems like a ridiculous suggestion, think again.  It is admittedly a small step, but you have to admit, if your relationship is in a mess, it probably happened a little at a time. 

                              So let’s give the little steps a chance!
The cool thing about this step is that it’s unlikely you’re going to get back handed – if you do, you need serious help!!  The usual response when this is not your normal M.O.  is a look of disbelief or bewilderment – but after a week of taming your tongue, it may be welcomed.  If not. . . if it is not warmly received – not to worry.  Just try again every couple of hours until it is your normal M.O.                                                                                 

Step #2: Make being affectionate your normal M.O.

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Saving Relationships – Step #1

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Being Sweet

I’ve known a little secret for a long time, but only recently have I       (in my conscious mind) applied it to relationships.  When I read an article that was titled something like “Save Your Marriage – Stop Talking About Your Problems” by Mert Fertel I realized…..”but of course, – this little secret works to heal hurting, and even dying,  relationships”  (although I have to admit when I first read the title I thought whaaat?) But then I realized – it’s what I do, what I believe and it’s what coaching is all about!! It’s the path I take whenever I’m ready to move forward because it ALWAYS works.


So what is IT? What’s my little secret?It’s simply “forgetting what lies behind and pressing on toward the goal,” or as the article put it, stop talking about the past so you can get on with a better future.

You may say, “yeah right – you have no idea how messed up our life is! That is simply not possible.”  And I would say, “if that is what you truly believe and that is where you WANT to stay, then your doubts will be your truth.” However, if you can bring yourself to say “I don’t want this marriage — as it is — but I want this marriage.  I want our relationship to be fun and full of love, trust, mutual admiration, understanding, encouragement, fun, romance, team parenting, perseverance, connectedness, fun, team decision making, intimacy, fun, listening, adoration, respect. . .”  AND you’re willing to give some whole hearted effort into something different then THERE IS HOPE!

If you are in a relationship that is suffering (this works for all kinds of relationships – not just marriages) try this:  For Now – stop talking about what’s wrong.  To fill that conversation gap – dig deep and find something really kind to say – it does wonders. No backtracking though – be strong.  Say it and mean it – regardless of the possible sarcastic response.  Just remember mama knows best and didn’t she always say – if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.

Step #1:  Don’t rehash stuff.  Instead say nice things.

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Testimonies – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #12

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Tina’s Testimony:
“Calling Suzette was a last ditch effort. We’d been miserable for years and I was done. Something had to give. He was looking for apartments and that was fine with me. I don’t know why I called her. I guess I knew in my heart of hearts (because I’d done coaching in the past) that things could be different. I had no idea how different! I am more in love with Tim than ever. He’s been out of a job and we finished with coaching months ago, but we are still doing great. It’s like we we got 
reprogrammed.”

Tim’s Testimony:
“I dreaded the thought of coaching. What I didn’t know is that it would be all about making changes. Little by little we changed the way we communicated and we changed our habits. It was the Action Steps that changed our lives. At first I was skeptical. We’d paid for so much counseling through the years and we were still a mess. I agreed but didn’t expect much. I also wondered what it meant for us as a couple, did it mean we weren’t meant to be together, did it mean we were dysfunctional? I think it was really helpful to have Suzette listen and give a different perspective. She was also great about adapting to our personalities and what would 
work for us, not just a formula from a book.   

 I learned a lot about my wife, things I never knew before. Suzette also helped us communicate in ways we had never thought of before. I learned that my assessment of who I was and what I thought was not as accurate as I thought. I learned how to open myself up, and I am much more self aware about my reactions and interactions with not only my wife, but also with others. I was surprised how much Suzette helped us as people, in addition to helping our relationship. I am a better person in many facets of my life, not to mention a better husband.
I absolutely would recommend Suzette. Her kind ear and creative mind really can help everyone for any type of goal you may have to improve your life. It wasn’t all skipping through the daises. Some days I wanted to throw in the towel. I really felt like she put in the effort to personalize her actions towards us as individuals. No matter what it is, I think Suzette can help you reach your goals.” 

I want to publicly thank you, Tim & Tina, for allowing me to tell your stories. Your transformation has been truly miraculous to witness. Thank you for allowing me to play a part.  I hope and pray that other lives, families and marriages will be restored because of you.