Tag: communication

Posted on

Major Breakthrough! – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #3

9389651_orig

7247382_orig

 

 

 

Changing communication patterns took work but the payoff was so valuable! 

 

 

 

Within a few weeks both Tim and Tina began a session exclaiming repeatedly, “We changed the dance last night! We did it! We changed the dance and it was beautiful!”  Music to my ears, but I had to hear the story to know what they were talking about so let me back up and fill you in on some of the things we’d tackled so far. 
Tina had said repeatedly that it was not what was being said that was the problem, it was how it was communicated. Tim always tiptoed around things causing her to feel manipulated. She just wanted him to be straight with her and felt manipulated by his evasiveness.  While she admitted being dramatic she said he had no idea of how he could bully her backside to the wall.  She not only wanted him to be forthright, she insisted that she could handle much more than Tim would dare to share.  

Tim didn’t buy it. He was convinced that he had to walk on egg shells or he would be the cause of a cataclysmic eruption.

Neither of them had good role models. They agreed that their mess was not so much a mess they created but was an extension of a mess of generations past. They decided it was time to wipe the slate clean… they wanted to forget everything they’d learned and start fresh. Where would they draw from? Tim excelled at work….

He was a great boss! Tim’s team loved him. He brought out the best in each person which showed in their outstanding performance. Tina said that if treated her as well as he treated his employees they wouldn’t have any problems. Tim had no fear of being straight with his team. He could correct them and inspire them all at the same time because they knew his intent was to help them succeed.  He dissected his communication style at work and decided to implement that style at  home. Tina supported this idea 100%.

Unfortunately, Tina felt a lot of sadness. Why had did Tim cared more about his employees success than hers?  She felt both justified and convicted about holding on to past hurts like this. Starting fresh was going to be painful. What does forgiveness look like? At church she was being emotionally bombarded with lessons on forging ahead – doing what was right even if it was tough. She wanted to forgive and trust Tim but it she was not ready. But she was ready to work on getting in touch with her emotions. She decided that it would help their communication if she would evaluate her emotions to be sure they matched up with the moment – this was a huge step!

Implementing Changes
One night Tina’s sadness turned to anger. She let Tim know that NO she would not wait forever for him to make love to her again. Her raging rant went on and on and finally, her volume aroused Tessa who sleepily came in and said, “Mommy please don’t yell at daddy. I like daddy.”  Wow! After she shed a few tears, apologized to her little one and tucked her back in, Tim asked her about the rage. He decided to be bold and take the risk. He told her it seemed like her anger was a lot like his (long past) addiction problem – that once she got a taste she just could not stop herself. Amazingly she accepted his insight graciously. This was a huge night of learning for Tina – and Tim. 

Success!

They had changed the dance!  Over and over again they each told me about their amazing break through. NEVER before had they been able to change the course of a conversation once it started going south.  The were so excited and empowered and they gushed with gratitude. 

Coaching was working!

Posted on

Please Don’t Kiss Me!! – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #2

4330111
Tim and Tina’s story is told with their permission. Names have been changed to protect their privacy, however, if you are seriously considering coaching they would be happy to talk to you about their experience. While this blog is intended to inspire you to do whatever it takes to get your marriage healthy, not to “sell” coaching, I am delighted to help people who are ready to do the work.  If you would like to speak with Tim and/or Tina, contact me and I will facilitate your connection. 
Some of Tina’s greatest obstacles were anger, forgiveness, and trust. She knew they were detrimental to her relationship with Tim, but she held them very tightly, because you know what? – she had a right!!  They were legitimate!! To experience peace she knew she’d have to let them go but that was scary because part of her identity was wrapped up in these deep seeded feelings and emotions.  As long as she could remember she’d been controlled by her emotions.  Before Tim, she faced the same issues with her father.  Later, they bled into her life with her husband.  She longed for a happier life but she knew it would take a lot of work and she wasn’t willing without a few conditions.  Tim had to do his part too.
A coaching challenge was underway.   I didn’t know how I was going to handle this, but thank God, I didn’t give up. I had to trust the process.

Tim’s insecurities didn’t help. His classic codependency caused him to take responsibility for all of Tina’s emotions. This would really flare her anger … and the viscous cycle would begin: She thought “You’re so vain – you ‘probly’ think this song (emotion) is about you!”   And he would come completely undone trying to figure out what in the world he HAD done. But did they talk about it? Not really.  It was just too emotional!Tim managed a whole team of people and was a nationally recognized performer in a very large company yet he would cower to Tina. He simply could not take a stand. His team loved him and he longed for his wife to love him but her emotional roller coaster made him feel anything but loved. Feeling inadequate and unworthy, he began withholding sex early on in their marriage. She wanted to use it as the make-up factor, but as he put it, “sex may be an emotional thing for a woman, but I’m not a machine, I don’t want to make love to someone who’s going to be tearing me to pieces tomorrow.”When we started coaching, Tina said she was angry about the lack of intimacy, but in reality, things had gotten so bad that she didn’t want it either. But she did. Yep, that was it. She was willing to do the work if he would do his part. He said he was willing, but at first he was clueless as to what his work looked like. Yes, it was a slow start.

My coaching sessions end with Action Steps that the client(s) comes up with and commit to work on before the next session. These little steps are the secret ingredient that turn things around – in time.

As you can imagine, romance was a fantasy that had died years ago.  Yet they both desperately wanted to FEEL loved.  They decided on ACTION STEPS that they hoped would eventually lead to that feeling.

*Tina decided to dedicate as many weeks as needed to praying that God would help her have the desire and strength to forgive.  She also decided it would do their marriage good if she would continually reassure Tim that she was committed for the long haul.

*Tim decided he wanted to express a little affection, which Tina reluctantly agreed to. He wanted to give her a kiss upon arriving home, departing etc., but she only agreed to hugs at first!

Their ACTION STEPS may seem tiny. I chuckled as I typed this because I remembered what I’d written on my website years ago:  “While the first ACTION STEPS may be seemingly small, progress is energizing.  Once confidence increases, the pace picks up.  I’m often amazed at how quickly my clients reach their goals – and so are they!”

At the end of each session, I sent their ACTION STEPS to them via email.

Stay tuned to find out how their ACTION STEPS played out.

Posted on

What is Engagement Coaching?

5522998

Engagement coaching is more than pre-marital coaching.  It can include sessions with the wedding party and sessions with the future in-laws.

Engagement coaching is somewhat different than pre-marital counseling in that we spend the majority of  time determining the kind of marriage you want to create, then focus on how to make that happen.  We will acknowledge your experiences as children and the models you each grew up with, but recognize that you have the choice to create something similar to what you experienced, something completely different or something somewhere in between.  We will talk about building healthy marriage habits, his needs/her needs, the idea of parenting, dealing with in-laws and a lot more!

Many a couple has regrets about their wedding and/or the  surrounding events.  Excellent communication will often keep this from happening.
The coaching  sessions with the wedding party will give you the opportunity to share with your friends the vision you have for your special day and the atmosphere you hope, with their help, to create.  You, the bride and groom, can also use these sessions to communicate your expectations to each of the participants you have chosen. It will be a time where they can choose to accept the requests made or discuss them and/or re-negotiate their role.

The sessions with the future mother and father in laws are time to talk about wedding expectations, but more importantly set the tone for a healthy relationship well into the future.
As with all coaching, Engagement Coaching, is tailored to the unique needs and desires of each couple.  

Posted on

Skeptical About Life Coaches?

1360192801
That’s a good thing! Just like everything else in life there are good ones and bad ones. Think about it, from politics to churches and everything in between…. there are good ones and bad ones!  

Years ago, before I became a coach, I read an article on the subject at my doctors office, then read the book Cure For The Common Life by Max Lacado that referenced coaching – I became cautiously interested. Slightly skeptical, I did some research. What did I think about coaching? There were several hurdles I had to overcome.  One hurdle was …..’coaching works from the place of desire’. . . .sounded like things could get sketchy or it could be promoting narcissism. hmmm. 

A deeper understanding of what coaching is and why it works helped me jump that hurdle quickly.

One of the many reasons coaching works so effectively is because, unless a human is hardened by evil, we all want the same things.  Our deepest ‘desires’ are to love and be loved; to experience joy; to have a peaceful contented heart; we want others to have patience with us and we want to be more patient; we want people to be kind to us and we wish we knew how to be kind without sacrificing what we want; we want to be good people; we long for faithful relationships; we want others to be gentle with us when we’re feeling fragile and we want to be gentle with others; we can’t stand to be with people who have no self control or discipline and we would love to be more disciplined and posses more self control. Although many don’t recognize these, they are universal desires of people who are striving to be the best they can be.

When clients goals don’t line up with these deep desires it doesn’t take long for them to revise and redirect.

I invite you to send me your skeptical thoughts about coaching. I would love to have the opportunity to address them. My intent is not to persuade you into thinking coaching is great for everyone – it’s not. However, your input will challenge me to think and grow – and I love that!  Rest assured, I will keep your thoughts anonymous, unless you tell me otherwise.  I hope to hear from you.

Posted on

How to Strengthen Any Relationship

7983105

Think about how you feel when someone asks you a question but they don’t listen to your response. Or when you are having a conversation with someone but when you begin speaking they are obviously less than engaged. It doesn’t feel good. Checking phones, or worse yet texting, looking back at the tv, interacting with a toddler are distractions that happen all too often. 

Learning to be a great listener is not that hard and it’s one of the best ways to strengthen relationships. Most of us are guilty of being less than great listeners, and need to be reminded of it’s importance.

We are busy people and great multi taskers – often at the expense of great relationships. It has been proven that it is not possible to multi-task with 2 streams of words. Forbes News Post writer Erika Anderson reports, “Your brain just can’t take in and process two simultaneous, separate streams of information and encode them fully into short-term memory. When information doesn’t make it into short-term memory, it can’t be transferred into long-term memory for recall later. If you can’t recall it, you can’t use it.”

Maybe you don’t mulit-task – good for you! Interrupting, thinking about our response, or analyzing/judging what is being said are other signals we are not listening well. These often stem from a good motive. We are listening, but we are more concerned with our role in the conversation than with the person, so we are thinking about what we will say next rather than listening with empathy and for understanding. When we begin to understand what they are saying and how they feel we know we’re on the right track. This doesn’t mean we have to agree with them or adopt their feelings – it just means we have and understanding of the content of their words and can see where their feelings are coming from.

Some conversations are simply for information, so the importance is about content, but not necessarily less important. Just yesterday my son told me where he was going and who he was going to be with. When he returned I asked him if he had a good time and he began telling me about it. I was stunned to realize I had not listened well. He was with an entirely different group of people than I had thought. I didn’t let on, but when I looked back at his texts, there was evidence he had told me, both verbally and by text who he was hanging out with!  In this case, no harm was done because he didn’t know – unless he is more perceptive than I think!  But generally, when we get information wrong that people have taken time to relay – they feel slighted and we have damaged our relationship. Writing this is convicting me. I am guilty way too often of not retaining this kind of information.

Whether it’s business, friends, family or acquaintances, relationships are what keep the world in harmony. Relationships blossom and grow when we respect each other enough to listen well.

Realizing the importance of good listening skills is the first step. There are many tools and tricks to help you, like eye contact, repeating back what was said, asking clarifying questions etc.  A google search will quickly pull up all kinds of articles if you need more ideas.

We all have the capacity to be good listeners and we become one when we begin valuing people more highly. When we place a greater value on our relationships we choose not to multi task and we have a desire to understand so we engage in their story and/or take interest in the informations that is being shared. This may mean we need a moment before we respond, but that is ok. Being quick to listen and slow to speak is wisdom from above!