Tag: communication

Posted on

Unresolved Issues

1270718

Wouldn’t you rather just avoid unresolved issues? Bringing them up can feel like we’re asking for a fight. However, unresolved issues that have caused wounds tend to raise their ugly head when new conflicts arise yet if we can keep our minds focussed on the current conflict, resolve to that issue comes much more quickly. Until past wounds have healed those memories will, more than likely, arise causing pain, uncertainty and unneceesary turmoil over current issues.

I recently took care of a 4 year old issue. I know, that’s crazy – I’m a relationship coach! But I do happen to be human. It wasn’t that I’d meant to stuff it. At first it was too painful to talk about. Every time I tried I’d end up in tears and then get flustered and couldn’t make my points and he’d get mad because we  had a good and loving relationship so he thought we should have been able to move on -and I agreed. So I stuffed it.

Years past and it didn’t rear it’s ugly head anymore – except when it did. I was going to say it was only because current circumstances seemed to mimic what had happened. I wasn’t mad but the pain felt a little raw so I’m sure hormones and other factors also played into it. Fortunately, being a relationship coach, I did realize that trying talk through it when I was feeling the pain was a terrible idea, so I waited for an opportune time. To him it seemed odd. We hadn’t dug up old stuff in years – we just don’t do that because we’ve forgiven and given most things a proper burial.
But this one thing . . .

So, one evening when we were dreaming together I caught myself backing up very quickly because a wave of fear swept over me and I knew it was the right time to bring it up.

Another thing I’ve learned is that prefacing sensitive conversations with the intention helps tremendously so I told him I needed to talk about something before I could dream freely. I told him I wanted to be confident that we could move into this new phase of life on the same page and know for certain that we would work through differences by communicating openly. I let him know that my intention for the conversation was to give me the security and confidence I needed for us to have the best relationship possible. While he still wasn’t excited to have the conversation he understood the importance. 

It wasn’t an easy conversation but by prefacing it with my intention and expressing how I was hurt rather than accusing him we were able to work through it pretty quickly. Funny thing is, there wasn’t a lot of forgiving to do. Just hearing how he viewed what had happened acknowledging both his part and mine gave me the assurance that we were on the same page. Finally it could be laid to rest permanently.

No couple will ever agree on everything and there may always be sadness around some issues, but wounds that fester and are buried do not die quickly. These memories hurt our relationship. They need to be laid to rest properly and permanently. It takes two mature people who love each other deeply and are committed to a good and growing relationship to tend to old wounds. If you’re not there, don’t rush it. The last thing you want is more damage done. 

One way to test the waters to see if your relationship mature enough to handle tending to old wounds is to preface your conversation with your pure motives and see how it flies. 

For me, I knew that I couldn’t dream about certain things with him or entertain ideas that were even remotely close to looking like the situation that our unresolved issued was around. I was afraid that a nightmare would creep in and steel the dream again. I wanted us to acknowledge that without intentionality it could happen again. And I wanted assurance that we would be make our relationship more important than the dream.

A demand for a confession or forgiveness is never helpful, so don’t go there even if that is what you think you need. Instead ask yourself, what is the benefit I want from talking about this issue? And proceed with confidence and sensitivity. Another day may be a better choice. Choosing your time wisely will help ensure the outcome you desire.

Posted on

Empowering Relationships At Every Level

858552

The term ‘designed alliance’ is commonly used to describe the way a coach and client pre frame their relationship. It is a conversation that empowers the client to be successful. In life, designed alliances can improve any relationship.

Despite the fact that clients are made well aware that their coach is ‘for’ them, every person’s background taints how they hear words. Therefore, a designed alliance can be of great benefit. This conversation usually happens prior to the first session however it can happen at anytime and is often modified as time goes by.

For example, if a client has heard flattery their whole life, they may request that if affirmation is given that it is specific. (fyi -non-specific accolades are poor coaching tactics but the client does not know that!) Or, they may alert me to a particularly sensitive area and request no challenges in that area until further notified. Or, they may offer ways that have effectively motivated them in the past when they’ve been stuck, resistant or faced fear.

If you’ve never designed an alliance before, don’t worry if it’s not perfect at first. Sometimes what we say we want has to be tweaked to make it work optimally. When you first notice that something isn’t working well and the relationship is faltering or just lacking, it’s a good time to reassess the alliance.

The concept is valuable in all kinds of relationships—romantic or business partnerships, friends, parent-child, etc… The client/coach relationship is one sided, but in other relationships a designed alliance is for the benefit of both parties. Imagine what it would be like if the intention of every one of your relationships was to encourage and empower one another. How would your life be different?

It is never too late to take action. Relationships are ever evolving and it takes the initiative of one for changes to be made. Getting some coaching may be the right choice if there is great suffering in the relationship and it is a relationship of great importance. However, if the relationship just needs some maintenance it may be as simple as sharing this article and suggesting creating a mutually beneficial alliance.

Though it is wonderful when both parties cooperate in designing the alliance, the most incredible transformations happen when you begin focussing on changing yourself – how you respond, not being easily offended, choosing to encourage and empower even if they are not holding up their end of the alliance etc….. Not only can your relationship be dramatically transformed, YOU will be dramatically transformed. It’s not easy when you are going it alone but when one person changes, the relationship is forced to change to accommodate the change of the one. When the change of the one is good, it almost invariably affects the relationship for good

The notion of creating an “alliance” instills the understanding that “we are in this together,” working to consciously design a successful experience for both individuals. For many years, my husband and I have used the phrase “I’m on your team” when we we’ve been at odds. It’a a great reminder of the alliance we made when we said our vows but also works well when a child, friend or co worker seem to think we are  not ‘for’ them. Rather than assigning blame as to why they are not hearing you as ‘for’ them (ie. they are in a bad mood, or allowing them to assign blame ie. it’s your tone of voice)  just the simple reminder, “I’m on your team” goes a long way.

What kind of alliances do you want with your children, friends, family and co workers? 

Marriage vows are one of the few relational alliances we utilize commonly in this country but are much too intimate for most relationships, however, thinking about them may help you see where your other relationships could grow. ie. maybe your children need to know, verbally, that you will always, no matter what, love them.  A conversation about your needs, their needs and the support you can offer one another is a great place to start – in any relationship. If that is just too uncomfortable you can go it alone.  By rising above your own initial reactions and becoming the person you want to be regardless of other’s behavior may be a slower road to relationship transformation but can still have have amazing results and empower your relationships at every level.

Posted on

Dave & Suzette’s Story

3104929

My husband and I have a healthy marriage, but that has not always been the case.

With our 27th anniversary quickly approaching we’ve had our fair share of ups and downs but two of our downs have been bad – real bad! 
I tell you our story (with permission :)) because: I want you to know that if your marriage isn’t what you want it to be – we can relate! And more importantly, to give you hope.  

Miserable would be a good way to describe us. It lasted a couple of years, back in the mid 90’s. I’m not proud of it, but it was so awful I threatened to leave. I said I didn’t want a divorce but I was leaving unless things changed – immediately. I would not advise this, but I told him that he had less than a week to figure some things out or I was on a plane and would not return until he had. He was shocked but knew I was serious. Things changed. It was a slow process, but once I saw him making an effort my patience was restored. No doubt, I had some changing to do myself but I didn’t know it then. Most of my changing came years later! Poor guy!

The next decade was great. Then it happened again. Who knows what triggered it, but we derailed off a lovely track. We sought help – together. This time it was him who was fearful that we might not make it. We worked hard and both grew individually and as a couple, but it was our individual growth that reignited the romance and fun and provided the strength and security that we had jeopardized. 

After a few months of healing some wounds our sessions stalled out. We began talking about the same things from week to week with no new growth. Dave finally said, “If we are going to continue getting professional help we need to find a coach to help us move from good to great.”  

We didn’t know of any Relationship Coaches back then, so we just decided to apply the skills I’d learned in coaching to ‘us’. It worked so well I wanted to try it out on others and became certified.

Being instrumental in taking relationships from good to great is wonderful but walking hand in hand with couples who are on the court room steps back to the arms of a loving spouse is more fulfilling than any job I can imagine. 

The end of our story to date is …..  “and they lived happily ever after.” 

Posted on

Sharing a Note I Wrote to a Couple I’m Coaching

9058377
I’m sharing a portion of a note I sent to clients because I thought  it may be helpful for other couples who are struggling.  Of  course names are changed to protect the identities, and wording changed just slightly.  When I wrote it I had no intention of using it as a blog post. It was written quickly, after a session. It reveals

“First of all, you two are on your way to having a great new season of life. The desire you both have to have a fulfilling relationship is paramount yet it’s coupled with Jan’s determination to strengthen her own character and John, your encouraging support. Unless one of you just rolls over and gives up, refusing to do the work – you are going to come through this with flying colors!!

I understand that dreaming together was a difficult Action Step, though I’m not sorry you did it because it gave me insight as to where your communication struggles are.

One of the first rules of dreaming together (that I obviously did not make clear) is that there is to be no judgement on dreams. The point of dreaming together is to get to know the other’s heart.  Dreams are not plans of action, they are expressions of what makes YOUR heart sing. Therefore, I hope you will not stop dreaming together.

Some may think that because the other’s dreams look very different than their own that they are not meant for each other – and they should go their separate ways – I disagree whole heartedly.  I believe that it is in the overlapping of our dreams that true fulfillment comes. It is when we look at the core of what causes us to dream what we do that we learn to appreciate and value each other’s deepest desires.  It draws us back to that place of loving deeply. Once we do that, overlapping our dreams is not nearly so difficult and incredibly fulfilling.

I would like to see you re-explore the dreams you each laid out.  REMEMBERING these are not plans of action. You each just shared your heart. That was good. If you would now take time to engage in each others dreams that would be great.  Asking each other questions that draw the other out … ie. how do you see your dream as benefitting our marriage?  THEN  after you have each had plenty of time to share your hearts…. go one step farther and by trying to engage in the other’s dream by identifying with something in it.  ie. John might say “I appreciate the fact that you want for me a job that is less draining and, it makes me smile to think you  want to be around me more.  I hope that someday soon we can make this part of your dream a reality.”  –  just find something to identify with and hope for….. And of course Jan, you would do the same regarding John’s dream.  There are more steps but I think for now this is enough.

A big part of this exercise is learning to focus your attention on what is good. This very small thing is absolutely huge in healing your hearts and moving forward.  Truthfully, there have always been, (even when you were dating and first married) many negative things and many differences you could have focussed on, but you chose not to. Somewhere along the line most couple’s focus shifts. We don’t realize it until we’re glued on looking at the negatives.  Fortunately that glue isn’t permanent! We get to choose our focus.”

If you are married and have stopped dreaming together, I  hope this will encourage you to begin dreaming together again and remind us all that we have a choice as to where we place our focus.

Posted on

Joe & Carri #8 – Closer to Home

1392757
Joe began the session by announcing that his job transfer request was granted, and his move back to the states was already scheduled. It would be several weeks, but the process was in motion. His move would not take him back to Carri, but it would get him much closer to home – on a temporary assignment.

Carri was nervous. Joe loved being overseas. She didn’t want him to give up his dream on her account. She didn’t want to be blamed if things didn’t work out.  With a little effort, she was able to relax by realizing that Joe was solely responsible for his decision, but with the added pressure of him being state-side, she felt it necessary to make it quite clear that she was not ready to be reunited – at least not permanently. Even so, this turn of events pushed them to deeper levels.

Joe accused Carri of doing very well without him and made sure she knew he was dying inside. She affirmed that she was doing better because she was no longer in the depths of depression, but firmly asserted she was NOT doing well. She missed him and hated having to do everything by herself. She started to say she would give anything to be together again but changed it to – she would (and was doing) anything and everything to make being together again better.

Though they were not ready to determine when or how they could make life together work, they decided they needed to know what non-negotiable the other would demand for it to ever be a possibility. Interestingly, this ended up  mostly being a reiteration of the vision they had already cast.

Once again, they realized their goals largely overlapped. He stressed that he wanted to be in a relationship where both parties put a high value on the relationship and she said she wanted to be in a relationship where both parties fully engaged with each other. Hmmm, sounded to me like their ideas weren’t too far apart. Upon further exploration they agreed!

Suddenly Joe began to rant, We’ve painted ourselves into a corner and  have no place to go. I need assurance that this is temporary. I don’t want this to go on for years.  I want us to be together so we CAN work on things. I need assurance we aren’t going to end up like Mike and Sally – apart for 9 years.

Carri quickly assured him she didn’t want to end up like Mike and Sally either. She wanted healing, restoration and new strength. She wanted to be healthy, happy and loving and she wanted to be married to a happy, healthy loving man so they could have a healthy happy, loving relationship. She said she needed reassurance too. So they decided to, as an Action Step, contact each other daily to specifically assure the other of this desire.