Feel Like a Loser?
Do you feel like a loser because you don’t have lofty goals? Maybe you’re still a kid or maybe you’re 35, 40 or 65 and you still don’t know what you want to be when you grow up?
I want to assure you that although it seems like everyone else is “dreaming big” – they aren’t! My coaching experience testifies to that fact. People often come because they want to dream big. Sadly, most folks live life wishing they had something wonderfully fulfilling to be passionate about. Something that would utilize all of the potential within them.
When clients come for this purpose, we usually talk about things they are good at and things they enjoy and then do some brain storming. It’s fun and they usually learn a lot about themselves. After exploring things, I usually ask the question, “If you were going to volunteer somewhere, what would you like to do?” Somehow the simple question moves people away from being self focussed and in turn brings about a revelation of how they want their life to be fulfilling.
The fact is most of us could do quite a number of different things, do them well and find some satisfaction in them, yet it seems that there is some correlation to giving of ones self and finding passion and fulfillment.
If you’re struggling, think about what it is you would love to do as a volunteer. If it is not something you can actually do (like becoming a firefighter at 65yrs of age), think about what it is that makes it appealing and then broaden your thinking. Regardless of what you come up with, just knowing what you want to do and working toward that goal is incredibly satisfying
Some may find fulfillment in actually volunteering while others, with this new found passion, may choose to pursue it as career. The great thing is, you won’t ever have to wish you had something to be passionate about again!
Joe & Carri #7 – Going Deeper
Joe was an adventurer who loved life and enjoyed travelling the world. He loved freedom, she loved the security of home. Carri had become bitter because she felt as though she always acquiesced to his desires.
By continuing to dream together they cast of vision of what they wanted their future to look like. In the process, Carri realized that she still admired Joe’s adventuresome spirit and would probably enjoy sharing in Joe’s dreams of “living in a distant land for a greater cause” if they maintained a place they considered “home.” Finding common ground was very helpful!
After establishing some good will toward one another, Carri took a big leap. She decided to share her journals with both Joe and me. They told the story of her resentment about moving out of the country, the depths of her depression while away, and the beginning of her growth journey -which began after she left Joe. She was very hesitant, but knew that if they were ever going to reconnect there would be risk involved. There were many things Joe could have taken offense at, but he didn’t. He wanted to talk through it and hear her heart. He wanted to get to know the woman he’d been married to for 28 years, and was willing to listen and try to understand without being defensive.
There were still some huge obstacles. Joe was happy Carri was getting stronger, but didn’t know how to handle the time apart. He was terribly lonely and needed to find a way to cope. He said he was committed to the process but worried that he would fall into old patterns.
Joe & Carri #6 – Leaping Forward
Carri began by admitting she wanted to change the way she was thinking. For so long she had believed that she had to be a certain way in order for Joe to like her. It was hard for her to let go and just be herself. She wanted to have the confidence to be herself whether or not it was met with approval, but it made her feel rebellious.
Carri was beginning to recognize her own behavior patterns. She’d always gone along with whatever Joe had wanted, denying herself the right to have an opinion and honestly believing she didn’t have one.
Readdressing their individual dreams was great practice. Carri knew her dreams were just as valid as Joe’s, and she got to practice articulating why and how they could be good for their marriage. His dreams were still short term and that was fine, she was willing to accept his desire to dream about the here and now.
Joe, did exactly what all coaches hope their clients will do. He began taking giant leaps towards making his dreams come true. He wanted so badly to be reunited with his wife, but two things were standing in the way. 1) He lived and worked on the other side of the world. 2) Carri wasn’t ready.
He couldn’t do a lot about changing Carri’s timing, but he could begin the process of seeking a job transfer. By the end of the week – he was doing just that!
Joe & Carri #5 – Dreaming Kibosh
Both Joe and Carri were determined to create a better future. They hoped it would be together but they were separated and there were no guarantees. After quite a few sessions they were beginning to believe each other when they said I want “us” to make it. “I want you to be the one I grow old with.”
Without vision for a better future we repeat the past. They didn’t want that to happen! It was time to begin dreaming of a wonderful restoration and of a marriage that was better than ever before. They each wrote out their ideas of an ideal future together then shared via Skype. Joe focused in on the short term. He was aching for a plan of reconciliation so he dreamed of how it might unfold. Carri was thinking long term and dreamed of long term things – like her ideal place to live. It did not go well! He was hurt because her ideal place to live happily ever after was not somewhere he ever wanted to live again! She was hurt because she risked sharing her inmost desires. Wasn’t that what they were supposed to do?
After talking through how they could have responded to each other in a more positive way they decided to give it another shot with a few ground rules in place. I summarized what we’d talked about in an email. This is what I said: “I would like to see you re-explore the dreams you each laid out. REMEMBERING these are not plans of action. You each just shared your heart. That was good. If you would now take time to engage in each others dreams that would be great. Asking each other questions that draw the other out and show your interest in them! … ie. how do you see your dream as benefitting our marriage? THEN after you have each had plenty of time to share your hearts, go one step farther. Try to engage in the other’s dream by identifying with something in it. ie. Joe might say “I appreciate the fact that you want for me, a job that is less draining and it makes me smile to think you want to be around me more. I hope that someday soon we can make this part of your dream a reality.” Just find something to identify with….. And of course Carri would do the same regarding Joe’s dream. If that is not enough to do this week 🙂 Carri came up with an Action Step that pertains to what you asked for Joe, in your Skype conversation – that is dealing with the responsibilities of life. She said, “I want us to be able to discuss money issues. I think we need to set some ground rules about how to do that, then develop a plan for dealing with our finances.” I said that’s a great idea, but talking about it and putting it into action are two different things. So my challenge is – Talk about it then… Put it into action. As you know, I’m praying for you! 🙂 HAVE A GREAT WEEK!