Tag: goals

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Firing My Clients – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #5

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Since day one Tina had been saying she needed to forgive Tim. He was making huge leaps in the right direction in how he treated her and she was delighted! On one hand she was delighted yet on the other she held onto bitter resentment.

We were months into coaching and had talked a lot about the need for forgiveness yet Tina continued to refuse. She just wasn’t ready, she would say. She was well aware that forgiveness cannot be earned – it is granted, and she would grant it when she was good and ready! After many (maybe 12?) sessions and continued refusal, I told them that we needed to take a break from coaching but that I would be happy to resume when she was ready to start the work. We had made a lot of progress but this issue would prevent them from real connection, so I didn’t want them to waste their time and money.

Tina begged, pleaded and cried, and promised to do whatever it took to start the process of forgiveness. They both felt like God was using coaching to save their marriage. They insisted that they had made such huge strides. I agreed, however, without a willingness to let go of bitter resentments real change could not happen. I was thrilled to hear Tina say she was ready to start the work.

So what did the work of forgiveness look like? I suggested we not focus on the hurts that needed forgiving but on what life would look if she had forgiven. She created and described the scenario. It seemed too good to be true.  .  .

It would be easy for her to accept Tim’s affectionate gestures. She would be more loving, have more joy, more patience, more understanding and more gratitude. She would be optimistic and look forward to spending the rest of her life with Tim. It sounded great but could she ever really feel this way? It was time to get practical. What kind of baby steps would she take?

Because of Tim’s huge step in the right direction, Tina felt he deserved to be back in the bedroom. The testosterone shots made him feel a little more aggressive which was an asset both at work and at home, but he was still not feeling frisky! That was ok with Tina for now. She would let him come around at his own pace. She decided it would be fun if they took it slow – pretending they were dating at first. Tim liked the idea because he would be free from pressure.

Huge obstacles were being overcome and life was getting better! Tim had given up self loathing and was taking care of his medical issue that had negatively impacted their marriage. They were communicating more authentically. She was getting in touch with her emotions and doing better with her tone of voice. They had learned to change the dance mid stream when a discussion started heading south and now Tina was dedicated to forgiveness.  A lot had been accomplished but there was still a lot to come!

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Please Don’t Kiss Me!! – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #2

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Tim and Tina’s story is told with their permission. Names have been changed to protect their privacy, however, if you are seriously considering coaching they would be happy to talk to you about their experience. While this blog is intended to inspire you to do whatever it takes to get your marriage healthy, not to “sell” coaching, I am delighted to help people who are ready to do the work.  If you would like to speak with Tim and/or Tina, contact me and I will facilitate your connection. 
Some of Tina’s greatest obstacles were anger, forgiveness, and trust. She knew they were detrimental to her relationship with Tim, but she held them very tightly, because you know what? – she had a right!!  They were legitimate!! To experience peace she knew she’d have to let them go but that was scary because part of her identity was wrapped up in these deep seeded feelings and emotions.  As long as she could remember she’d been controlled by her emotions.  Before Tim, she faced the same issues with her father.  Later, they bled into her life with her husband.  She longed for a happier life but she knew it would take a lot of work and she wasn’t willing without a few conditions.  Tim had to do his part too.
A coaching challenge was underway.   I didn’t know how I was going to handle this, but thank God, I didn’t give up. I had to trust the process.

Tim’s insecurities didn’t help. His classic codependency caused him to take responsibility for all of Tina’s emotions. This would really flare her anger … and the viscous cycle would begin: She thought “You’re so vain – you ‘probly’ think this song (emotion) is about you!”   And he would come completely undone trying to figure out what in the world he HAD done. But did they talk about it? Not really.  It was just too emotional!Tim managed a whole team of people and was a nationally recognized performer in a very large company yet he would cower to Tina. He simply could not take a stand. His team loved him and he longed for his wife to love him but her emotional roller coaster made him feel anything but loved. Feeling inadequate and unworthy, he began withholding sex early on in their marriage. She wanted to use it as the make-up factor, but as he put it, “sex may be an emotional thing for a woman, but I’m not a machine, I don’t want to make love to someone who’s going to be tearing me to pieces tomorrow.”When we started coaching, Tina said she was angry about the lack of intimacy, but in reality, things had gotten so bad that she didn’t want it either. But she did. Yep, that was it. She was willing to do the work if he would do his part. He said he was willing, but at first he was clueless as to what his work looked like. Yes, it was a slow start.

My coaching sessions end with Action Steps that the client(s) comes up with and commit to work on before the next session. These little steps are the secret ingredient that turn things around – in time.

As you can imagine, romance was a fantasy that had died years ago.  Yet they both desperately wanted to FEEL loved.  They decided on ACTION STEPS that they hoped would eventually lead to that feeling.

*Tina decided to dedicate as many weeks as needed to praying that God would help her have the desire and strength to forgive.  She also decided it would do their marriage good if she would continually reassure Tim that she was committed for the long haul.

*Tim decided he wanted to express a little affection, which Tina reluctantly agreed to. He wanted to give her a kiss upon arriving home, departing etc., but she only agreed to hugs at first!

Their ACTION STEPS may seem tiny. I chuckled as I typed this because I remembered what I’d written on my website years ago:  “While the first ACTION STEPS may be seemingly small, progress is energizing.  Once confidence increases, the pace picks up.  I’m often amazed at how quickly my clients reach their goals – and so are they!”

At the end of each session, I sent their ACTION STEPS to them via email.

Stay tuned to find out how their ACTION STEPS played out.

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Vision Casting – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #1A

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Tim and Tina’s story is told with their permission. Names have been changed to protect their privacy, however, if you are seriously considering coaching they would be happy to talk to you about their experience. While this blog is intended to inspire you to do whatever it takes to get your marriage healthy, not to “sell” coaching, I am delighted to help people who are ready to do the work.

If you would like to speak with Tim and/or Tina, contact me and I will facilitate your connection.

For those of you who want more details on Tim and Tina’s Turnaround here is a little mini blog. Let’s call it #1A 🙂

Creating a Vision for what you would like your marriage to look like is one of the first steps in Marriage Coaching. 
Tim and Tina’s vision was pretty typical but to them seemed like a fairy tale. They were aware of some couples who lived as best friends and lovers, but them?  Yeah – that seemed like a fairytale!

Although, they were pretty clear on what they would like out of life and out of marriage, we used a couple of assessments to make sure they were thinking broadly enough and were accurately articulating what they really wanted. This was the first of the  “communication” work we did. As time went on, they learned the importance of making sure their words were matching up with what they were thinking.

Vision Casting gave them some goals to work towards, but after we were clear on what they wanted, we put that little document away for a while.  We pulled it out occasionally, but focusing on it too much could have been paralyzing – they had such a long long way to go! Instead, week by week, I helped them come up with small steps that would eventually lead to the life they longed to live together. If an athlete only focuses on the triathlon – he will always be discouraged and defeated.  It’s when he focuses on the work -the hard core training week by week, that he can expect to reach his goal. So we began the process and soon Tim and Tina could could see their marriage muscles beginning to grow.

The Action Steps they came up with and followed through on – on a weekly basis put them on the road to success.  These steps came directly from their mouths.  I would listen for what they “said” they wanted or needed to do and ask them if they would like to commit to it? If they said yes, it became one of their ACTION STEPS.  I will share some of them along the way.

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Disillusioned & Distant – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #1

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Tim and Tina’s story is told with their permission. Names have been changed to protect their privacy, however, if you are seriously considering coaching they would be happy to talk to you about their experience. While this blog is intended to inspire you to do whatever it takes to get your marriage healthy, not to “sell” coaching, I am delighted to help people who are ready to do the work.  If you would like to speak with Tim and/or Tina, contact me and I will facilitate your connection. 
Tim and Tina were never really happy.  For most of their 15 years they had communicated with harsh words and escalated volumes.  Of course there were the civil conversations too, but as often as not, there was fighting.As with many couples they did not have children immediately.  Having Tessa, after 9 years, created a sense of purpose for them which was wonderful but short lived.  Soon they realized they were back in the same old patterns with a little one absorbing every harsh word. They noticed that even before she could understand the words her mood could be affected for hours, even days after they’d had a screaming match.

Even so, they stayed together because their core belief was that marriage is for life.

By the time they contacted me their core belief was so battered and bruised by the emotional trauma they were suffering on a daily basis that Tim had begun looking for apartments.  Tina had kicked him out of the bedroom months earlier and they had not been intimate for years.  Their turn around has truly been miraculous!

 

The (really rough) notes below are from our very first session. As you can imagine, during their first session, they were guarded with their answers, so magnify them about 80% and you’ll get a real feel for where we were starting! 
As you contemplate working with a coach, what results would you like to achieve?Tim: Better communication skills. Understanding how Tina thinks. How to avoid letting the small stuff brewing into a much larger blow out.

Tina: A feeling of working together as a team towards our goals.  Rebuilt trust. I would like to feel loved, cherished, appreciated and sexy in my husband’s eyes.  I would like to stop being such a bitch all the time and let go of debilitating insecurities.  I want a clear picture of what our future looks like together – know that it’s worth this effort.

Imagine that you have been successful in accomplishing your goals in coaching. How will your relationship be different than it is now?

Tim: We would be a team. Loving, caring, completely trusting each other, comfortable with being vulnerable and having a partnership that can’t be broken. She would live in my heart and I would cleave to her. (sappy, but that’s what he said! :))

Tina: I would respect my husband again and he, me.  I would trust my husband with decisions regarding our household affairs.  I would have stopped having to second guess what my husband really thinks and feels.  There would be enough trust in our relationship to be able to speak truth knowing we have each other’s best interest at heart.  My husband and I would use sex as a way of expressing our deep and devoted love for one another. We would engage in family activities together and enjoy it.

What habits/activities/thought processes do you need to drop, simplify or let go of, in order to achieve those results?

Tim: Pride and taking her for granted. Selfishness. I need to listen more and pay attention to her, basically notice her more. Codependancy is a problem.

Wife:

 Stop jumping to worst possible conclusion. Holding onto old resentments.  Lack of planning our time together & treating time together as unimportant. 

 
Sessions normally end with  Action Steps but the first week was about getting to know the situation, expectations and hopes.Stay tuned to see how Tim and Tina did the work and are enjoying each other – as best friends and lovers.

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Feel Like a Loser?

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Do you feel like a loser because you don’t have lofty goals? Maybe you’re still a kid or maybe you’re 35, 40 or 65 and you still don’t know what you want to be when you grow up?

I want to assure you that although it seems like everyone else is “dreaming big” – they aren’t! My coaching experience testifies to that fact. People often come because they want to dream big. Sadly, most folks live life wishing they had something wonderfully fulfilling to be passionate about. Something that would utilize all of the potential within them.

When clients come for this purpose, we usually talk about things they are good at and things they enjoy and then do some brain storming. It’s fun and they usually learn a lot about themselves. After exploring things, I usually ask the question, “If you were going to volunteer somewhere, what would you like to do?” Somehow the simple question moves people away from being self focussed and in turn brings about a revelation of how they want their life to be fulfilling.
The fact is most of us could do quite a number of different things, do them well and find some satisfaction in them, yet it seems that there is some correlation to giving of ones self and finding passion and fulfillment.

If you’re struggling, think about what it is you would love to do as a volunteer. If it is not something you can actually do (like becoming a firefighter at 65yrs of age), think about what it is that makes it appealing and then broaden your thinking. Regardless of what you come up with, just knowing what you want to do and working toward that goal is incredibly satisfying

Some may find fulfillment in actually volunteering while others, with this new found passion, may choose to pursue it as career. The great thing is, you won’t ever have to wish you had something to be passionate about again!