Tag: growth

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Loss of Job & Death of Dream? – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #8

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Letting a dream die doesn’t sound like something a coach would want for a client, and I don’t.  Fantasies on the other hand can damage our psyche and ruin relationships. When we allow our minds to dwell on “…imagining things that are impossible…”  (wikipedia) we can stifle dreams that could be realities.

The death of Tina’s prince charming was the death of a fantasy – a fantasy she’d entertained since childhood. While I encourage young women to have high standards for the man they plan to spend the rest of their lives with, the suitor is in dangerous territory if the young lady holds her prince charming fantasy as her standard.  Tina had done just that.

In the process of working to forgive, Tina realized what she’d done and determined that she wanted to love Tim for who he was, and let go of the fantasy. She longed to be loved for who she was, so why had she not realized that he wanted and deserved the same? The death of her idealized prince charming freed her to love Tim more deeply than ever! Their dreams of a wonderful life together would now be possible.

Tim was suddenly let go from his job.  He was a big wig – a top performer in the nation, but as happens all too often, he was cut when his company was bought out. The loss of a job can be devastating to a relationship but for them, it only caused a bump in the road.

Tim needed (or thought he needed) a pity party and a crutch.  Tina handled the pity party pretty well – she even joined him at the party, but she didn’t find out about the crutch until later. Tim’s struggle with self loathing came back with a vengeance – for a few days. By the grace of God, he said, it didn’t last long.

There is more to this blog series, but I want you to know. . .  . Our coaching package ended a few months ago and to this day, Tim is unemployed. To my delight, they let me know they are still doing well. They’ve had some rough spots, but I assured them they always would! 🙂

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Accelerated Progress! – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #7

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Tina was making real headway. She finally decided she truly wanted to forgive her husband (and father) and was willing to do whatever was necessary to free herself from this heavy burden. It was crazy how overcoming this hurdle caused the gas pedal to get pushed to the floor! Their progress as a couple accelerated like crazy.

She decided that in order to forgive, she needed to be clear about what she was forgiving them for. Writing the offenses down helped her because she could look at them and actively choose to pray about each one and release it.  In order to keep her mind occupied with pure and lovely things, she shifted her fous by starting a gratitude journal – writing down all of the things that made Tim a great catch. Tina’s life was truly being transformed.

Tim’s life was changing too. He had a revelation! He was beginning to be aware of Tina’s assets and during our session mentioned a whole slew of thoughts he’s had during the week. Tina was blown away by all the wonderful things he was saying. Interestingly, it was the first time Tina had heard these wonderful accolades. For some strange (but very common) reason, Tim thought she knew what he’d been thinking! haha!!  He became acutely aware that if he wanted her to know his thought – he would have no choice but to speak them.  He cracked me up when he said he had a two step formula for making it happen. . .

  1. Notice good things
  2. Move My Lips!!

This formula did wonders for them!

Life was so much better for Tim and Tina that they were becoming pro active – looking at future events and situations and deciding in advance how they would handle them. They were planning a trip to see her dad. She knew she would be pushed to her limits. They worked together and made some plans. She asked Tim for extra encouragement and affirmation during this time and they came up with some plans to give her some relief it needed. To their delight, and to mine, they had the best family visit of all time!

Next week I tell you the story of how the death of Tina’s prince charming, saved their marriage.

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Hope For Our Future – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #6

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“It hasn’t been easy,” Tina said, “but I’m not heartbroken and I don’t feel that awful sense of rejection anymore.  We are addressing every part, spiritual, emotional and physical. He’s owning his part and I actually believe him. We’ve had some very painful weeks, but not without it’s reward.   Tim immediately said, “I echo that.”

 

Wow! I was so thankful that they were seeing and feeling the progress they’d made.


Tina was still suffering some serious sadness and having difficulty being vulnerable.

She was so afraid that he would revert to his old ways. Amazingly, she was now able to express her doubts and be heard without Tim taking on the guilt that used to send him into a downward spiral. She needed to process her feelings out loud.  With conscious effort he had become strong enough and wise enough to do his part well. . .  just listen and offer the support she had desperately desired for years.

What a blessed relief it was for Tim to finally realize that what she wanted was far easier than what he thought he needed to give! He really didn’t have to fix it.

He was discovering that expressing his thoughts, even when he was tempted to shut down was beneficial. He had assumed that Tina was not capable of hearing his heart and was delighted to find that when she felt his support, she reciprocated very well, treasuring the depths of his heart.  After 15 long hard years they were connecting with each other on a deep level.

Tina voiced her conviction, “God is forcing me, or maybe just asking me, to grow up. My happiness cannot rely on Tim.”  Bummer! She couldn’t use him as an excuse anymore. She knew that there would be seasons in life where he wouldn’t be on his behavior and because of that realized the importance of learning to guard her heart.

The freedom she found was empowering! By taking full responsibility for herself she could draw closer to Tim without fear.

Their hearts were connecting and so it was time for more than that. Both expressed fear about reconnecting intimately. It was a healthy conversation for Tim and Tina albeit a bit weird for me! I felt like a sex therapist. I managed to talk them through it and they were none the wiser that my face was flushed! (All of our coaching was via conference calls.) Give me a break – I didn’t get training for this and the depth of the topic was quite a surprise, but I did it and it helped them tremendously. The good new is, they did it! ha 🙂

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Confessions & Epiphanies – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #4

Everyone thought Tim’s addiction problem was a thing of the past – even Tim. It had been more than a decade since he’d had a drink but suddenly he was aware of a new addiction. Self loathing had taken the place of alcohol. He used to sit in the back yard and drink and cry. It felt good to let it all out. Without the alcohol he didn’t cry much anymore but boy could he throw a good pity party! Getting healthy would mean he couldn’t attend those daily parties anymore.  He too was having an identity crisis.

Tina was sick of it. She was glad he was having an epiphany but thought, “it’s about time!” She thought, “I’ve been doing all the work.”  She hadn’t tackled forgiveness yet, but she still wasn’t ready. She needed him to suffer a little more and she wanted a guarantee that if she did forgive him, he would not hurt her again. Well aware that it was his choice as to whether or not to put in the effort she decided to sit back and wait for him to make a move. A little more patience wouldn’t kill her.

They both knew that a big move in the right direction would be for Tim to see a doctor to find out just how low his testosterone was. They were aware it had been a little low, but years had passed and his complete lack of interest in sex just seemed odd. Tina had always taken good care of herself – she’s a beautiful woman. They agreed she had put in more effort since we started coaching and it was time for him to step it up.

He made an appointment and whoa! No wonder they were having trouble! He needed shots. Fear increased – not because he was afraid of needles. Tim was afraid of becoming healthy! Fortunately love overpowered fear and he began getting the injections.

Tina’s faith was sustaining her. She was becoming stronger by focussing on how God was empowering her. Tim’s heart was changing too. The sermon that week was “co-incidentally” about how God doesn’t promise an easy life but does give us the ability to choose joy and have internal peace.  This one hit home in a big way. He listened to it repeatedly and determined to put self loathing behind him.

ACTION STEPS
Tina 
– be more gracious in accepting gestures of affection
– decide what it would take to forgive Tim
Tim 
– follow through with doctors
– stop self loathing-notice when it creeps up and reject it
– continue to be affectionate

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Major Breakthrough! – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #3

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Changing communication patterns took work but the payoff was so valuable! 

 

 

 

Within a few weeks both Tim and Tina began a session exclaiming repeatedly, “We changed the dance last night! We did it! We changed the dance and it was beautiful!”  Music to my ears, but I had to hear the story to know what they were talking about so let me back up and fill you in on some of the things we’d tackled so far. 
Tina had said repeatedly that it was not what was being said that was the problem, it was how it was communicated. Tim always tiptoed around things causing her to feel manipulated. She just wanted him to be straight with her and felt manipulated by his evasiveness.  While she admitted being dramatic she said he had no idea of how he could bully her backside to the wall.  She not only wanted him to be forthright, she insisted that she could handle much more than Tim would dare to share.  

Tim didn’t buy it. He was convinced that he had to walk on egg shells or he would be the cause of a cataclysmic eruption.

Neither of them had good role models. They agreed that their mess was not so much a mess they created but was an extension of a mess of generations past. They decided it was time to wipe the slate clean… they wanted to forget everything they’d learned and start fresh. Where would they draw from? Tim excelled at work….

He was a great boss! Tim’s team loved him. He brought out the best in each person which showed in their outstanding performance. Tina said that if treated her as well as he treated his employees they wouldn’t have any problems. Tim had no fear of being straight with his team. He could correct them and inspire them all at the same time because they knew his intent was to help them succeed.  He dissected his communication style at work and decided to implement that style at  home. Tina supported this idea 100%.

Unfortunately, Tina felt a lot of sadness. Why had did Tim cared more about his employees success than hers?  She felt both justified and convicted about holding on to past hurts like this. Starting fresh was going to be painful. What does forgiveness look like? At church she was being emotionally bombarded with lessons on forging ahead – doing what was right even if it was tough. She wanted to forgive and trust Tim but it she was not ready. But she was ready to work on getting in touch with her emotions. She decided that it would help their communication if she would evaluate her emotions to be sure they matched up with the moment – this was a huge step!

Implementing Changes
One night Tina’s sadness turned to anger. She let Tim know that NO she would not wait forever for him to make love to her again. Her raging rant went on and on and finally, her volume aroused Tessa who sleepily came in and said, “Mommy please don’t yell at daddy. I like daddy.”  Wow! After she shed a few tears, apologized to her little one and tucked her back in, Tim asked her about the rage. He decided to be bold and take the risk. He told her it seemed like her anger was a lot like his (long past) addiction problem – that once she got a taste she just could not stop herself. Amazingly she accepted his insight graciously. This was a huge night of learning for Tina – and Tim. 

Success!

They had changed the dance!  Over and over again they each told me about their amazing break through. NEVER before had they been able to change the course of a conversation once it started going south.  The were so excited and empowered and they gushed with gratitude. 

Coaching was working!