growth – Page 5 – Coaching for Wholly Living | Board Certified Life Coach

January 20, 2014January 22, 2015

Please Don’t Kiss Me!! – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #2

Tim and Tina’s story is told with their permission. Names have been changed to protect their privacy, however, if you are seriously considering coaching they would be happy to talk to you about their experience. While this blog is intended to inspire you to do whatever it takes to get your marriage healthy, not to “sell” coaching, I am delighted to help people who are ready to do the work. If you would like to speak with Tim and/or Tina, contact me and I will facilitate your connection.

Some of Tina’s greatest obstacles were anger, forgiveness, and trust. She knew they were detrimental to her relationship with Tim, but she held them very tightly, because you know what? – she had a right!! They were legitimate!! To experience peace she knew she’d have to let them go but that was scary because part of her identity was wrapped up in these deep seeded feelings and emotions. As long as she could remember she’d been controlled by her emotions. Before Tim, she faced the same issues with her father. Later, they bled into her life with her husband. She longed for a happier life but she knew it would take a lot of work and she wasn’t willing without a few conditions. Tim had to do his part too.

A coaching challenge was underway. I didn’t know how I was going to handle this, but thank God, I didn’t give up. I had to trust the process.

Tim’s insecurities didn’t help. His classic codependency caused him to take responsibility for all of Tina’s emotions. This would really flare her anger … and the viscous cycle would begin: She thought “You’re so vain – you ‘probly’ think this song (emotion) is about you!” And he would come completely undone trying to figure out what in the world he HAD done. But did they talk about it? Not really. It was just too emotional!Tim managed a whole team of people and was a nationally recognized performer in a very large company yet he would cower to Tina. He simply could not take a stand. His team loved him and he longed for his wife to love him but her emotional roller coaster made him feel anything but loved. Feeling inadequate and unworthy, he began withholding sex early on in their marriage. She wanted to use it as the make-up factor, but as he put it, “sex may be an emotional thing for a woman, but I’m not a machine, I don’t want to make love to someone who’s going to be tearing me to pieces tomorrow.”When we started coaching, Tina said she was angry about the lack of intimacy, but in reality, things had gotten so bad that she didn’t want it either. But she did. Yep, that was it. She was willing to do the work if he would do his part. He said he was willing, but at first he was clueless as to what his work looked like. Yes, it was a slow start.

My coaching sessions end with Action Steps that the client(s) comes up with and commit to work on before the next session. These little steps are the secret ingredient that turn things around – in time.

As you can imagine, romance was a fantasy that had died years ago. Yet they both desperately wanted to FEEL loved. They decided on ACTION STEPS that they hoped would eventually lead to that feeling.

*Tina decided to dedicate as many weeks as needed to praying that God would help her have the desire and strength to forgive. She also decided it would do their marriage good if she would continually reassure Tim that she was committed for the long haul.

*Tim decided he wanted to express a little affection, which Tina reluctantly agreed to. He wanted to give her a kiss upon arriving home, departing etc., but she only agreed to hugs at first!

Their ACTION STEPS may seem tiny. I chuckled as I typed this because I remembered what I’d written on my website years ago: “While the first ACTION STEPS may be seemingly small, progress is energizing. Once confidence increases, the pace picks up. I’m often amazed at how quickly my clients reach their goals – and so are they!”

At the end of each session, I sent their ACTION STEPS to them via email.

Stay tuned to find out how their ACTION STEPS played out.

January 20, 2014January 22, 2015

Vision Casting – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #1A

If you would like to speak with Tim and/or Tina, contact me and I will facilitate your connection.

For those of you who want more details on Tim and Tina’s Turnaround here is a little mini blog. Let’s call it #1A 🙂

Creating a Vision for what you would like your marriage to look like is one of the first steps in Marriage Coaching.
Tim and Tina’s vision was pretty typical but to them seemed like a fairy tale. They were aware of some couples who lived as best friends and lovers, but them? Yeah – that seemed like a fairytale!

Although, they were pretty clear on what they would like out of life and out of marriage, we used a couple of assessments to make sure they were thinking broadly enough and were accurately articulating what they really wanted. This was the first of the “communication” work we did. As time went on, they learned the importance of making sure their words were matching up with what they were thinking.

Vision Casting gave them some goals to work towards, but after we were clear on what they wanted, we put that little document away for a while. We pulled it out occasionally, but focusing on it too much could have been paralyzing – they had such a long long way to go! Instead, week by week, I helped them come up with small steps that would eventually lead to the life they longed to live together. If an athlete only focuses on the triathlon – he will always be discouraged and defeated. It’s when he focuses on the work -the hard core training week by week, that he can expect to reach his goal. So we began the process and soon Tim and Tina could could see their marriage muscles beginning to grow.

The Action Steps they came up with and followed through on – on a weekly basis put them on the road to success. These steps came directly from their mouths. I would listen for what they “said” they wanted or needed to do and ask them if they would like to commit to it? If they said yes, it became one of their ACTION STEPS. I will share some of them along the way.

January 20, 2014January 22, 2015

What is Engagement Coaching?

Engagement coaching is more than pre-marital coaching. It can include sessions with the wedding party and sessions with the future in-laws.

Engagement coaching is somewhat different than pre-marital counseling in that we spend the majority of time determining the kind of marriage you want to create, then focus on how to make that happen. We will acknowledge your experiences as children and the models you each grew up with, but recognize that you have the choice to create something similar to what you experienced, something completely different or something somewhere in between. We will talk about building healthy marriage habits, his needs/her needs, the idea of parenting, dealing with in-laws and a lot more!

Many a couple has regrets about their wedding and/or the surrounding events. Excellent communication will often keep this from happening.
The coaching sessions with the wedding party will give you the opportunity to share with your friends the vision you have for your special day and the atmosphere you hope, with their help, to create. You, the bride and groom, can also use these sessions to communicate your expectations to each of the participants you have chosen. It will be a time where they can choose to accept the requests made or discuss them and/or re-negotiate their role.

The sessions with the future mother and father in laws are time to talk about wedding expectations, but more importantly set the tone for a healthy relationship well into the future.
As with all coaching, Engagement Coaching, is tailored to the unique needs and desires of each couple.

January 20, 2014January 22, 2015

REDIRECT! REDIRECT!

We all hit the wall now and then. The question is will you crash and burn or back up, fix the damage and redirect?

So often we hit the wall because we’ve neglected the whispers of wisdom that come in a variety of forms. Maybe it’s because we don’t always recognize wisdom? Maybe we think it’s negativity?

Do you know what I’m talking about? Like when your plate is too full and you keep forgetting things – like dentist appointments (that would be me.) Could it be I just hate going to the dentist? Not really, but it was easy to think that, to avoid the truth. The truth is I WANT my kids to get to the dentist and I’d forgotten their appointments! Hmmm, was this brain lapse possibly a gentle reminder that I am not great a juggling 15 balls at once? A whisper of wisdom speaking? Yes! Fortunately I didn’t hit the wall. I was able to put the brakes on this time. But that has not always been the case.

Too often we get to the point where we can barely function, we have a fender bender, then think ridiculous things, like wondering what we’ve done to deserve this or, we’re not as capable as others or, we just have to be stronger. Or have we fallen asleep at the wheel and can’t think at all, having analyzed things to the point of paralysis.

Hitting the wall in the first place is quite unpleasant but it happens. So when it happens, what’s a better way to handle it? What about resting? If it’s not physical rest you need, it’s probably mental. Most of us can’t afford a week of solitude – we have too many responsibilities! But what about a day. NOT to catch up but to think, meditate, pray or journal – yes, a whole day. Long ago there was this thing called Sabbath. A day once a week when people rested – it was planned for, and it happened. What a great idea! So why not try it once? Just surrender your agenda for a day.

Using some of the time to make sense of the chaos and listening for the whispers of wisdom that have been trying to be heard can bring light to your dark place. Looking at your experience of “hitting the wall” as a rude awakening is probably pretty accurate. The experience is more than a whisper of wisdom it’s the truth screaming loud and clear – REDIRECT REDIRECT!

A better way of living is to rest regularly and be on the alert for those whispers of wisdom, avoiding the wall altogether. Here’s to a year of not hitting the wall!

January 20, 2014January 22, 2015

Transformation is Inevitable

I accidentally stumbled across a paper on my computer about transformation that my son wrote when he was a senior in high school. I decided to share with you the first paragraph because it explains, very nicely, that transformation is in fact, inevitable.

Caleb Parker
Mrs. Raynor
Eng 12 honors – 6
19 October 2008

Transformation

Transformation happens almost everywhere. It happens in nature when flowers grow up from the smallest seeds. Transformation is visible when scientific theories develop from a few individual facts into a more cohesive understanding of a subject. Children transform slowly into adults. Transformation is a theme running rampant on earth. In his novel A Tale of Two Cities, Charles Dickens exploits the theme of transformation. Transformation as an idea makes no moral judgments; it only describes one thing undergoing a change into another. Dickens recognizes this concept and the transformations of his characters show this concept. Not every transformation is good or bad. Some transformations are good, some bad and some may even be neutral but in each transformation some element of human nature is displayed.

My question is, are you pleased with the transformation happening in your life? As people look on, what “element of human nature is displayed”?

While many transformations always follow the same pattern, the direction of your transformation is a decision of your heart whether or not it is consciously made. If you want that direction to be different, you have the ability to change courses at any point.

My hope for you is that if you are not pleased with where you are headed, physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually that you will do whatever it takes to get on a new path.