Tag: growth

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Skeptical About Life Coaches?

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That’s a good thing! Just like everything else in life there are good ones and bad ones. Think about it, from politics to churches and everything in between…. there are good ones and bad ones!  

Years ago, before I became a coach, I read an article on the subject at my doctors office, then read the book Cure For The Common Life by Max Lacado that referenced coaching – I became cautiously interested. Slightly skeptical, I did some research. What did I think about coaching? There were several hurdles I had to overcome.  One hurdle was …..’coaching works from the place of desire’. . . .sounded like things could get sketchy or it could be promoting narcissism. hmmm. 

A deeper understanding of what coaching is and why it works helped me jump that hurdle quickly.

One of the many reasons coaching works so effectively is because, unless a human is hardened by evil, we all want the same things.  Our deepest ‘desires’ are to love and be loved; to experience joy; to have a peaceful contented heart; we want others to have patience with us and we want to be more patient; we want people to be kind to us and we wish we knew how to be kind without sacrificing what we want; we want to be good people; we long for faithful relationships; we want others to be gentle with us when we’re feeling fragile and we want to be gentle with others; we can’t stand to be with people who have no self control or discipline and we would love to be more disciplined and posses more self control. Although many don’t recognize these, they are universal desires of people who are striving to be the best they can be.

When clients goals don’t line up with these deep desires it doesn’t take long for them to revise and redirect.

I invite you to send me your skeptical thoughts about coaching. I would love to have the opportunity to address them. My intent is not to persuade you into thinking coaching is great for everyone – it’s not. However, your input will challenge me to think and grow – and I love that!  Rest assured, I will keep your thoughts anonymous, unless you tell me otherwise.  I hope to hear from you.

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Brutally Honest

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I read an article last week written by a business woman who feared she was “too honest.”  She said she thought that her customers might actually be scared away by her honesty.  It made me think about my own honesty.

Years ago I was accused of being brutally honest.  I prided myself on my honesty but I certainly didn’t want to hurt anyone. Was it true? Was my honesty brutal? I knew that my intentions were pure but realized that with immature delivery, the point, whatever it was, would be lost.  There is a proverb that says, “Be kind and honest and you will live a long life; others will respect you and treat you fairly.”  – I want to be kind AND honest – not brutal!

I was somewhat confused by the accusation. I knew what it meant, but I thought my words were pretty gentle. I knew, even in college, that my friends valued my honesty and would come to me when they wanted the straight up truth.  ie: I gained a reputation with girls on my floor, and soon many were coming to me to when they needed another pair of eyes to determine if the outfit was flattering!  They kept coming back so I knew my answers weren’t offensive.  I don’t remember exactly how I handled it when I thought their choice was atrocious – oh, and some were! I imagine I asked them to bring options, so we could pick the best one.

I’d never been accused of  brutality before. Certainly, without gentleness, honesty can cause undue hurt. Examining my words a bit more carefully was surely not going to hurt, but as I did,  I began to wonder if  some folks just don’t want the truth? It was such a foreign idea to me,  could it be true?

Obviously, if people don’t ask, they probably don’t want to know, but what I’ve learned as a coach is that even when people ask, many do not want the truth, or so it seems. It is true some love flattery more than truth.   Ahhh yes, and here’s the rub.  Who says my opinion is the truth?  ME!  – don’t we all!!  . . . . but that’t another story! 🙂

More mature people and those who have a desire to excel want our honesty. They enjoy gathering people’s thoughts and opinions because it helps them grow. They are wise enough to recognize and  filter the source of the comments and enjoy assimilating (probably subconsciously) the information they have gathered.
When we are too tied to our thoughts and opinions and believe it is THE truth we can become overbearing, trying to get them to do things our way. Funny how those folks are rarely asked but offer their thoughts very often with force and power as thought it is in fact THE truth! That’s what I’d call Brutal Honesty.

As a coaches, we are trained not to offer our opinions, even when asked – and for good reason.  Most folks have heard, or can think of, a lot of opinions about whatever they are dealing with. Another opinion rarely makes a difference.  People are continually gathering information: opinions, ideas, facts, etc.. What helps is walking through the filtering process together.  Noting the sources from whence gremlins are coming and highlighting the things that might be helpful.
Even more difficult than filtering is utilizing and implementing what we’ve learned – great coaches excel in these areas.

The article I read was about being “too honest” honest, not brutally honest – that was my own soap box.  As I read through her piece I believe what was happening was information overload. Honesty is vitally important in life and business. However, it is crucial that we are discerning as to how and when we share.  We can indeed scare people away with too much information! We generally take things in best, a little at a time.

Lack of honesty usually happens in phases. Deception usually comes before outright lies. Most of us want to be honest, but when business, our reputation or someone or something we care about are at stake we may want to hide some things. This is our first warning signal.  Sharing at the right time and deception are two very different things. What is making us want to hide?

We can also hurt people with information they are not prepared to receive.  While it is sometimes necessary to share such things – it isn’t always. Discernment is key. Asking ourselves why we want to share something can be enlightening.
Our motives are not always pure. While it may be helpful for us to get something off our chest, if it damages another, is it the right thing to do?

Though some folks think complete vulnerability is what we are to be about, I beg to differ.  Even Jesus chose not to share some things with some people.

Too honest and brutally honest have some big draw back, how about we aim for kind and honest. We’ll feel good about how we’re treating people and have a clear conscience too!

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How to Strengthen Any Relationship

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Think about how you feel when someone asks you a question but they don’t listen to your response. Or when you are having a conversation with someone but when you begin speaking they are obviously less than engaged. It doesn’t feel good. Checking phones, or worse yet texting, looking back at the tv, interacting with a toddler are distractions that happen all too often. 

Learning to be a great listener is not that hard and it’s one of the best ways to strengthen relationships. Most of us are guilty of being less than great listeners, and need to be reminded of it’s importance.

We are busy people and great multi taskers – often at the expense of great relationships. It has been proven that it is not possible to multi-task with 2 streams of words. Forbes News Post writer Erika Anderson reports, “Your brain just can’t take in and process two simultaneous, separate streams of information and encode them fully into short-term memory. When information doesn’t make it into short-term memory, it can’t be transferred into long-term memory for recall later. If you can’t recall it, you can’t use it.”

Maybe you don’t mulit-task – good for you! Interrupting, thinking about our response, or analyzing/judging what is being said are other signals we are not listening well. These often stem from a good motive. We are listening, but we are more concerned with our role in the conversation than with the person, so we are thinking about what we will say next rather than listening with empathy and for understanding. When we begin to understand what they are saying and how they feel we know we’re on the right track. This doesn’t mean we have to agree with them or adopt their feelings – it just means we have and understanding of the content of their words and can see where their feelings are coming from.

Some conversations are simply for information, so the importance is about content, but not necessarily less important. Just yesterday my son told me where he was going and who he was going to be with. When he returned I asked him if he had a good time and he began telling me about it. I was stunned to realize I had not listened well. He was with an entirely different group of people than I had thought. I didn’t let on, but when I looked back at his texts, there was evidence he had told me, both verbally and by text who he was hanging out with!  In this case, no harm was done because he didn’t know – unless he is more perceptive than I think!  But generally, when we get information wrong that people have taken time to relay – they feel slighted and we have damaged our relationship. Writing this is convicting me. I am guilty way too often of not retaining this kind of information.

Whether it’s business, friends, family or acquaintances, relationships are what keep the world in harmony. Relationships blossom and grow when we respect each other enough to listen well.

Realizing the importance of good listening skills is the first step. There are many tools and tricks to help you, like eye contact, repeating back what was said, asking clarifying questions etc.  A google search will quickly pull up all kinds of articles if you need more ideas.

We all have the capacity to be good listeners and we become one when we begin valuing people more highly. When we place a greater value on our relationships we choose not to multi task and we have a desire to understand so we engage in their story and/or take interest in the informations that is being shared. This may mean we need a moment before we respond, but that is ok. Being quick to listen and slow to speak is wisdom from above!

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What’s It Going To Take To Get What You Want?

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So much work to look like I do!

She said  she was getting gas earlier that morning and a complete stranger, pumping gas next to her, looked over and said, “I hate you skinny girls!” Jessie, my hair stylist said, “I don’t know what got into me, but I actually responded. I said, “well if you were at the gym at 5:30 every morning you could look like this too””.  To her surprise the lady said, “yeah, you’re right.”

Do you ever feel jealous of people who have what you want? But then you think about what it would take to get it and you feel defeated before you even begin?

Often people become so focused on the outcome that they forget about the purpose.  Dreams and goals can seem overwhelming when we get zeroed in on the outcome and if we think there is only one outcome that can fulfill us we may feel trapped – and when we’re trapped, we can’t move.

Try writing down what you want from the dream or goal. If it’s ‘to be skinny’ what do you really want? If you want to be healthier so you can extend your life expectancy and enjoy a more adventuresome lifestyle with your kids, then joining a gym might not be the only way to get skinny. Maybe joining a beginning hiking group or taking a course in kayaking – these options get you exercise and move you into adventures that you will soon be sharing with your children!  Sometimes we get defeated because we feel like there is only one way and we don’t like the journey so we feel trapped.

If your dream is to own your own restaurant, the payoff you want may be to have a schedule that you control and get paid to cook healthy meals. What if you find out that the zoning for your dream restaurant isn’t right and it’s a 7 year process to get re-zoning, or your financing falls through or …..  Sometimes pushing through the obstacles is the work we want to do, but sometimes there are other opportunities that will get us everything we want. For instance, you may find much less stress in owning a catering company or a healthy food stand in the middle of the city or you might find out about a franchise with great financing options. Zeroing in on having to have an independent restaurant is fine if that is the only way to find the fulfillment you desire, but often that narrow minded path hinders rather than helps.

Determining what you really want (the deeper purpose or payoff) from the dream or goal  is really the first step in moving toward it. If you’ve had one that has been on a back burner, I hope you’ll take time to write down the purpose, or payoff you’re looking for. It just may set you free if you’ve been trapped. It may look a little different than you first imagined, but the payoff may be even better!

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Unresolved Issues

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Wouldn’t you rather just avoid unresolved issues? Bringing them up can feel like we’re asking for a fight. However, unresolved issues that have caused wounds tend to raise their ugly head when new conflicts arise yet if we can keep our minds focussed on the current conflict, resolve to that issue comes much more quickly. Until past wounds have healed those memories will, more than likely, arise causing pain, uncertainty and unneceesary turmoil over current issues.

I recently took care of a 4 year old issue. I know, that’s crazy – I’m a relationship coach! But I do happen to be human. It wasn’t that I’d meant to stuff it. At first it was too painful to talk about. Every time I tried I’d end up in tears and then get flustered and couldn’t make my points and he’d get mad because we  had a good and loving relationship so he thought we should have been able to move on -and I agreed. So I stuffed it.

Years past and it didn’t rear it’s ugly head anymore – except when it did. I was going to say it was only because current circumstances seemed to mimic what had happened. I wasn’t mad but the pain felt a little raw so I’m sure hormones and other factors also played into it. Fortunately, being a relationship coach, I did realize that trying talk through it when I was feeling the pain was a terrible idea, so I waited for an opportune time. To him it seemed odd. We hadn’t dug up old stuff in years – we just don’t do that because we’ve forgiven and given most things a proper burial.
But this one thing . . .

So, one evening when we were dreaming together I caught myself backing up very quickly because a wave of fear swept over me and I knew it was the right time to bring it up.

Another thing I’ve learned is that prefacing sensitive conversations with the intention helps tremendously so I told him I needed to talk about something before I could dream freely. I told him I wanted to be confident that we could move into this new phase of life on the same page and know for certain that we would work through differences by communicating openly. I let him know that my intention for the conversation was to give me the security and confidence I needed for us to have the best relationship possible. While he still wasn’t excited to have the conversation he understood the importance. 

It wasn’t an easy conversation but by prefacing it with my intention and expressing how I was hurt rather than accusing him we were able to work through it pretty quickly. Funny thing is, there wasn’t a lot of forgiving to do. Just hearing how he viewed what had happened acknowledging both his part and mine gave me the assurance that we were on the same page. Finally it could be laid to rest permanently.

No couple will ever agree on everything and there may always be sadness around some issues, but wounds that fester and are buried do not die quickly. These memories hurt our relationship. They need to be laid to rest properly and permanently. It takes two mature people who love each other deeply and are committed to a good and growing relationship to tend to old wounds. If you’re not there, don’t rush it. The last thing you want is more damage done. 

One way to test the waters to see if your relationship mature enough to handle tending to old wounds is to preface your conversation with your pure motives and see how it flies. 

For me, I knew that I couldn’t dream about certain things with him or entertain ideas that were even remotely close to looking like the situation that our unresolved issued was around. I was afraid that a nightmare would creep in and steel the dream again. I wanted us to acknowledge that without intentionality it could happen again. And I wanted assurance that we would be make our relationship more important than the dream.

A demand for a confession or forgiveness is never helpful, so don’t go there even if that is what you think you need. Instead ask yourself, what is the benefit I want from talking about this issue? And proceed with confidence and sensitivity. Another day may be a better choice. Choosing your time wisely will help ensure the outcome you desire.