Tag: Joy

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Joe & Carri #5 – Dreaming Kibosh

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Both Joe and Carri were determined to create a better future. They hoped it would be together but they were separated and there were no guarantees.  After quite a few sessions they were beginning to believe each other when they said I want “us” to make it. “I want you to be the one I grow old with.”

Without vision for a better future we repeat the past.  They didn’t want that to happen! It was time to begin dreaming of a wonderful restoration and of a marriage that was better than ever before. They each wrote out their ideas of an ideal future together then shared via Skype. Joe focused in on the short term. He was aching for a plan of  reconciliation so he dreamed of how it might unfold. Carri was thinking long term and dreamed of  long term things – like her ideal place to live. It did not go well! He was hurt because her ideal place to live happily ever after was not somewhere he ever wanted to live again! She was hurt because she risked sharing her inmost desires. Wasn’t that what they were supposed to do?

After talking through how they could have responded to each other in a more positive way they decided to give it another shot with a few ground rules in place. I summarized what we’d talked about in an email. This is what I said: “I would like to see you re-explore the dreams you each laid out.  REMEMBERING these are not plans of action. You each just shared your heart. That was good. If you would now take time to engage in each others dreams that would be great.  Asking each other questions that draw the other out and show your interest in them! … ie. how do you see your dream as benefitting our marriage? THEN  after you have each had plenty of time to share your hearts, go one step farther. Try to engage in the other’s dream by identifying with something in it.  ie. Joe might say “I appreciate the fact that you want for me, a job that is less draining and it makes me smile to think you want to be around me more.  I hope that someday soon we can make this part of your dream a reality.”  Just find something to identify with….. And of course Carri would do the same regarding Joe’s dream. If that is not enough to do this week 🙂 Carri came up with an Action Step that pertains to what you asked for Joe, in your Skype conversation – that is dealing with the responsibilities of life.  She said, “I want us to be able to discuss money issues. I think we need to set some ground rules about how to do that, then develop a plan for dealing with our finances.”  I said that’s a great idea, but talking about it and putting it into action are two different things.  So my challenge is – Talk about it then… Put it into action. As you know, I’m praying for you! 🙂 HAVE A GREAT WEEK!

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Joe & Carri #4 – Step By Step

CFWL-WaitingJoe and Carri’s Action Step for the past week was to share with each other what had been hard about the separation. I realized  it was only in our sessions that they were discovering the other was also hurting, lonely and sad, so I asked if it would be helpful for them to continue the conversation privately. Although Carri was nervous she thought it could be helpful so we talked a little about how she could muster the courage and express herself as she desired.

The next week I got a great report!  Of course, there were still many issues to work out but step by step they were embarking on the process.

As time went on we talked about their family dynamics, the inequality of responsibilities and the wall of resentment they’d built.  It took a little time, but fairly quickly they realized that most of their issues had grown into insurmountable mountains because they’d failed to take the time to openly and honestly work through things.

Business, with work and children, coupled with fear of  conversations that might  stir  up conflict contributed to their communication breakdown. Carri was realizing the importance of staying in the game, facing conflicts and working through them. She was diligently exploring all kinds of self help and was working hard to  acquire better communication skills.

Joe wanted a plan sooo badly! Although he could be the more spontaneous of the two, he NEEDED to know how long he was going to have to reunite with his wife.  She was not ready to end the separation. But she was ready, or so she thought, to start dreaming with Joe. It sounded like a great idea, so I asked if they’d like to make it their Action Step for the coming week.  We all thought they’d have another great week.  – ha!

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Words Can Hurt But You Are Stronger #2

strong-armI ended my last post by saying, “Understanding the power I have to control which words I allow to affect me has been intriguing, freeing and empowering, both in the spiritual sense and in the physical sense.”  Oh to be free from the power of unkind words!  The great news is that once we deeply desire and long to rise above their power – we can!”

Living in the power of the Spirit means different things to different people.  To many the greatest power the Spirit offers is the expectation of the miraculous. I am not at all discounting this, however, if we fail to aknowleget the power of the Spirit in our daily lives we’ve missed out in a big way!  “Peace I leave with you.”  This is a gift!  A gift to be used and appreciated daily. Speaking of miraculous…. to actually receive that gift – a life of peace – would it not be miraculous for most of us? Sadly most refuse to accept it, choosing to dwell more often on Words That Hurt than on words with healing power. Yes, it takes effort. Nurturing and developing our gifts does take effort. . . I’m thinking about the really cool iPad accessories I got at Christmas that I opened, but have failed to learn how to use (sorry guys.) Funny thing is, they would be useful and appreciated if I put in the effort to learn how to use them.  

So we’ve been given this gift – peace.  Do we make use of it, appreciating what it can do for us? Or do we allow hurtful words that were said once to replay in our minds and hurt us a million times?

In the physical realm, I love the study of the brain.  Dr. Daniel Amen has  has proven that “negative thinking actually shuts down the coordination of our brain.”  Inferring that when we choose to dwell on hurtful words we cannot live out the potential we have.  That is quite sobering! You may have seen Dr. Amen on PBS or read some of his work.  He has all kinds of tips for fighting off hurtful words.  One that is easy to put into practice is “…bring your attention to the things you are grateful for in your life, your brain actually works better.”  This doctor actually looks at people’s brains and has done the research to substantiate this claim. Hmmm… “give thanks in all circumstances” seems like I’ve heard that somewhere before.  And to think… it’s for our own good!

If you have tips that help you fight off hurtful words, please share.  Your journey may help someone.

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Words Can Hurt But You Are Stronger! #1

strong-armEven the strongest characters, occasionally have their hearts wounded by words that come at them like flaming arrows.  How is it that some seem to deflect these flaming arrows, on a regular basis, virtually unscathed while others seem to be shaped by them?

A popular theory is that if parents, teachers and friends are affirming and positive that a child, when grown, will be a strong, healthy individual with great self-esteem. In a way, I wish that were true, but it only takes a minute to think of people I know personally who have overcome a terrible childhood and because of it, are now armed with a shield that protects their heart. And then there are others, like me, who came to depend on those affirming words heard as a child in order to feel good about themselves and be strong in this world but ….when the apron strings were cut, I wasn’t so strong.  Certainly every child deserves to have adoring parents and granted, it does affect a child positively, but there are no guarantees as to how a a person will survive once in the real world.

I guess it’s best that way. It keeps us all in the same boat with equal opportunity to grow into the strength intended for each of us.  So how do we do that? The strength of the Spirit within each of us is the same, yet some of us hold onto this weakness with a mighty grip quenching what the Spirit in us longs to give. Why not let go of that grip and be free?

Just imagine wearing a shield that could deflect flaming arrows. Now imagine those arrows as carrying words that have hurt you – and still do hurt you.  Wouldn’t it be cool to have protection from them? What if the only words that could penetrate the shield were words of truth? Truth, truth and nothing but the truth.

Yeah, I admit sometimes the truth hurts too – but those are the words I want to embrace, even if they hurt.  Maybe I need to do something with them – like ask for forgiveness – or take action so they are not true any longer or just learn how think about them productively.  Where the truth gives life – embracing lies can be deadly. Hurtful words are most often lies and lies, when believed, can be deadly.  It’s truth that makes us light in the world. It’s truth that sets us free. Understanding the power I have to control which words I allow to affect me has been intriguing, freeing and empowering, both in the spiritual sense and in the physical sense.  Oh, it’s good to be free from the power of unkind words!

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Desiring Growth?

Some say that the desire for growth is always rooted in dissatisfaction, I beg to differ. I may be odd, but dissatisfaction rarely inspires me. Initially I feel a bit down, negative and stuck, whereas contentment gives me freedom. I realize that I’m not stuck! Unhindered by negativity, I have the clear frame of mind to look at all the options, think out of my box without pressure, and remember to keep my eyes open for new ideas and possibilities   Dissatisfaction blinds me.

growthDesiring growth is a human phenomenon.  Throughout childhood we look forward to the next phase of life marking milestones and marking walls by the quarter inch.  Once our full stature is reached we continue to look ahead still marking milestones with graduations, marriage, children, careers and accomplishing goals – until we stop, or die.

When I believe dissatisfaction is a good foundation for growth I tend to focus on the negative and that leads me in a path I’d rather not travel. Often the first negative thought is not nearly as bleak as the next, nor that one as hopeless as the one that follows – it’s a downward spiral. Worse yet, dissatisfaction wells up in me a need to blame.  Blaming myself doesn’t help me any more than blaming you or even the circumstances.

Desiring growth, movement or change is not a choice – we are human – it is what we do. Cultivating contentment is a choice that God intends for us to make. When we choose to be grateful and live with a real sense of peace, our eyes are unveiled to possibilities that are veiled when we are dissatisfied.  Untainted by negativity we make healthy, wise decisions and fulfill the longing that never dies – growth.

Besides all that, contentment is way more fun!!  Not to mention the fact that we are called to be content.  We know God doesn’t intend for us to stagnate so I’m quite certain he wouldn’t call us to contentment if that is where it led.  Wanna grow?  Try contentment.  I’ve been so very blessed when that is the choice I’ve made.