Tag: Life

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REDIRECT! REDIRECT!

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We all hit the wall now and then. The question is will you crash and burn or back up, fix the damage and redirect?

So often we hit the wall because we’ve neglected the whispers of wisdom that come in a variety of forms. Maybe it’s because we don’t always recognize wisdom? Maybe we think it’s negativity? 

Do you know what I’m talking about? Like when your plate is too full and you keep forgetting things – like dentist appointments (that would be me.) Could it be I just hate going to the dentist? Not really, but it was easy to think that, to avoid the truth.  The truth is I WANT my kids to get to the dentist and I’d forgotten their appointments! Hmmm, was this brain lapse possibly a gentle reminder that I am not great a juggling 15 balls at once?  A whisper of wisdom speaking? Yes! Fortunately I didn’t hit the wall. I was able to put the brakes on this time. But that has not always been the case.

Too often we get to the point where we can barely function, we have a fender bender, then think ridiculous things, like wondering what we’ve done to deserve this or, we’re not as capable as others or, we just have to be stronger.  Or have we fallen asleep at the wheel and can’t think at all, having analyzed things to the point of paralysis.

Hitting the wall in the first place is quite unpleasant but it happens. So when it happens, what’s a better way to handle it?  What about resting? If it’s not physical rest you need, it’s probably mental. Most of us can’t afford a week of solitude – we have too many responsibilities! But what about a day. NOT to catch up but to think, meditate, pray or journal – yes, a whole day. Long ago there was this thing called Sabbath. A day once a week when people rested – it was planned for, and it happened. What a great idea! So why not try it once?  Just surrender your agenda for a day.

Using some of the time to make sense of the chaos and listening for the whispers of wisdom that have been trying to be heard can bring light to your dark place. Looking at your experience of “hitting the wall” as a rude awakening is probably pretty accurate. The experience is more than a whisper of wisdom it’s the truth screaming loud and clear – REDIRECT REDIRECT!

A better way of living is to rest regularly and be on the alert for those whispers of wisdom, avoiding the wall altogether. Here’s to a year of not hitting the wall!

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Skeptical About Life Coaches?

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That’s a good thing! Just like everything else in life there are good ones and bad ones. Think about it, from politics to churches and everything in between…. there are good ones and bad ones!  

Years ago, before I became a coach, I read an article on the subject at my doctors office, then read the book Cure For The Common Life by Max Lacado that referenced coaching – I became cautiously interested. Slightly skeptical, I did some research. What did I think about coaching? There were several hurdles I had to overcome.  One hurdle was …..’coaching works from the place of desire’. . . .sounded like things could get sketchy or it could be promoting narcissism. hmmm. 

A deeper understanding of what coaching is and why it works helped me jump that hurdle quickly.

One of the many reasons coaching works so effectively is because, unless a human is hardened by evil, we all want the same things.  Our deepest ‘desires’ are to love and be loved; to experience joy; to have a peaceful contented heart; we want others to have patience with us and we want to be more patient; we want people to be kind to us and we wish we knew how to be kind without sacrificing what we want; we want to be good people; we long for faithful relationships; we want others to be gentle with us when we’re feeling fragile and we want to be gentle with others; we can’t stand to be with people who have no self control or discipline and we would love to be more disciplined and posses more self control. Although many don’t recognize these, they are universal desires of people who are striving to be the best they can be.

When clients goals don’t line up with these deep desires it doesn’t take long for them to revise and redirect.

I invite you to send me your skeptical thoughts about coaching. I would love to have the opportunity to address them. My intent is not to persuade you into thinking coaching is great for everyone – it’s not. However, your input will challenge me to think and grow – and I love that!  Rest assured, I will keep your thoughts anonymous, unless you tell me otherwise.  I hope to hear from you.

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Unresolved Issues

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Wouldn’t you rather just avoid unresolved issues? Bringing them up can feel like we’re asking for a fight. However, unresolved issues that have caused wounds tend to raise their ugly head when new conflicts arise yet if we can keep our minds focussed on the current conflict, resolve to that issue comes much more quickly. Until past wounds have healed those memories will, more than likely, arise causing pain, uncertainty and unneceesary turmoil over current issues.

I recently took care of a 4 year old issue. I know, that’s crazy – I’m a relationship coach! But I do happen to be human. It wasn’t that I’d meant to stuff it. At first it was too painful to talk about. Every time I tried I’d end up in tears and then get flustered and couldn’t make my points and he’d get mad because we  had a good and loving relationship so he thought we should have been able to move on -and I agreed. So I stuffed it.

Years past and it didn’t rear it’s ugly head anymore – except when it did. I was going to say it was only because current circumstances seemed to mimic what had happened. I wasn’t mad but the pain felt a little raw so I’m sure hormones and other factors also played into it. Fortunately, being a relationship coach, I did realize that trying talk through it when I was feeling the pain was a terrible idea, so I waited for an opportune time. To him it seemed odd. We hadn’t dug up old stuff in years – we just don’t do that because we’ve forgiven and given most things a proper burial.
But this one thing . . .

So, one evening when we were dreaming together I caught myself backing up very quickly because a wave of fear swept over me and I knew it was the right time to bring it up.

Another thing I’ve learned is that prefacing sensitive conversations with the intention helps tremendously so I told him I needed to talk about something before I could dream freely. I told him I wanted to be confident that we could move into this new phase of life on the same page and know for certain that we would work through differences by communicating openly. I let him know that my intention for the conversation was to give me the security and confidence I needed for us to have the best relationship possible. While he still wasn’t excited to have the conversation he understood the importance. 

It wasn’t an easy conversation but by prefacing it with my intention and expressing how I was hurt rather than accusing him we were able to work through it pretty quickly. Funny thing is, there wasn’t a lot of forgiving to do. Just hearing how he viewed what had happened acknowledging both his part and mine gave me the assurance that we were on the same page. Finally it could be laid to rest permanently.

No couple will ever agree on everything and there may always be sadness around some issues, but wounds that fester and are buried do not die quickly. These memories hurt our relationship. They need to be laid to rest properly and permanently. It takes two mature people who love each other deeply and are committed to a good and growing relationship to tend to old wounds. If you’re not there, don’t rush it. The last thing you want is more damage done. 

One way to test the waters to see if your relationship mature enough to handle tending to old wounds is to preface your conversation with your pure motives and see how it flies. 

For me, I knew that I couldn’t dream about certain things with him or entertain ideas that were even remotely close to looking like the situation that our unresolved issued was around. I was afraid that a nightmare would creep in and steel the dream again. I wanted us to acknowledge that without intentionality it could happen again. And I wanted assurance that we would be make our relationship more important than the dream.

A demand for a confession or forgiveness is never helpful, so don’t go there even if that is what you think you need. Instead ask yourself, what is the benefit I want from talking about this issue? And proceed with confidence and sensitivity. Another day may be a better choice. Choosing your time wisely will help ensure the outcome you desire.

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Make The Most of Opportunities – Priorities & Planning

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“Make the most of every opportunity” is something that rings in my ears frequently and the volume has been way up lately!

Our eldest son just graduated from college and, as all parents do, I thought “where has the time gone”? A question I ask often.
 
I don’t want to get to the end of my life and feel like it just slipped away.
Old people always say things like ‘take time to smell the roses,’  but we’re encouraged to set goals, be focussed and work hard to attain them. The questions is, how do we do both?

When I fly by the seat of my pants I usually get a lot done (I am very task oriented) but flying by the seat of my pants makes it more difficult for me to be completely ‘present’ because my brain wonders what I ‘should’ be doing.  As you may know I hate that word ‘should,’ so it really irritates me when I realize I am shoulding on myself. 

My AhHa was realizing why a little planning helps me be fully present. . . It allows me to make the most of the present opportunity rather than thinking about what I could or should be doing. 

**Daily planning when spawned from goals can be good, but all too often when I focus only on this, I accomplish a lot toward those goals but still feel empty. Living a more fully integrated life has helped me meet goals and feel a sense of fulfillment. By including my core values and deepest desires in my planning I am able to attain both.  Centering only on the doings of life like career planning causes a feeling of emptiness and as though I’ve missed the roses along the way.  I have zero desire to reach my career goals yet when I reach retirement, or worse, my death bed, to look back and feel like life slipped away. So I’m into prevention!

Intentionally planning to have meaningful relationships and trying to remember to cherish each moment helps me plan more wisely and makes me more conscientious about time management. I plan to take time each day for those I love, although I must say, I struggle to make time for long distance relationships. I’m not so good at making room for the stuff of life either, like the daily tasks of laundry, cooking and such, but even those become less mundane when I look at the bigger picture. The stuff of life moves from being an obstacle or hindrance to an opportunity, but believe me, I still have tons of room to grow!

What I know is that by taking time each evening to be purposeful in my planning I am more likely to make the most of every opportunity. A few of my most recent opportunities have included joining my husband in yard work, listening to one my youngest sons new ideas (I have no idea what he was talking about but I am interested in him so I listened and tried to learn about being a DJ), helping clean a house so some young men could get their deposit back, making graduation announcements, working on my next speaking engagement etc…. They are all opportunities and I want to make the most of them.  I’ve found that if I cheerfully help clean up the yard, chatting and connecting with my husband in the process, even though I forgot to actually smell the roses, it doesn’t matter. These opportunities are the roses of life. When I dread them, they’re more like a thorn bush. When I choose to embrace them as opportunities, I enjoy them, like the scent of a rose. 

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10 Questions To Improve Your Legacy

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The Big Question:  
If you knew you were going to die in 6 months but could not change your relationship status, job/position or financial status (no loans or credit cards allowed) what would you do to ensure you would be remembered as you wish?     

2) Who would you spend more/less time with?

3) What words of life and encouragement would you speak into your children, your spouse, parents etc.?

4) What unhelpful thoughts would you stop thinking?

5) What bucket list items would you be sure to accomplish?

6) What would be the most important thing you would want to share with your loved ones? acquaintances?

7) How would you spend your money that would show you honoring your values?

8) Who would you hope to influence the most? In what way?

9) What would you want people to say at your memorial service?

10) How will you begin to implement these things so that if you do die in 6 months, 6 weeks or 6 days you will leave the legacy you desire?