Tag: Life

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What’s Your Perfectionism Prohibiting?

Dr. Brene Brown says perfectionism is a
“way of thinking that seeks to avoid shame, blame and judgement.”

Determining the difference between being a perfectionist and the pure desire for excellence has been a gray and blurry line for me. Isn’t it noble that there are things I have not done at all or have put off until I could “give it more time” because I didn’t want to do it half heartedly! I remember my Sunday school teacher saying  “if a thing is worth doing, it’s worth doing well,” yet, most good things, taken to the extreme, can become a bad things.For me, that good idea crossed the line and  became a bad thing because it kept me from doing things -things I would have enjoyed learning and pursuing. But I didn’t. Because I knew it would take a lot of time and effort to become an expert. What I know now that I didn’t know then is that being an “expert” is as much a mindset as it is knowing the material! haha – I could get on a soapbox here but I will refrain. 🙂

Why not just do some things for pure enjoyment? Oh noooo….. that would be setting myself up for criticism. As Dr. Brene Brown says perfectionism is a “way of thinking that seeks to avoid shame, blame and judgement.”

I’d like to be able to disagree with Dr. Brown. I prefer to think I was a skilled at preserving the confidence I did have – not a perfectionist! But reality says that a perfectionist seeks to avoid criticism therefore, if they can’t do what it takes to do something perfectly or at least very well, they don’t do it at all.

My first Life Coach, Laurie Hardie, jolted me out of my comfort zone and I’ve never been the same. She encouraged me to do things that were risky but so much fun! Since then, I’ve realized that it’s ok to do things just for fun. If I let people know that I’m just doing something for fun it puts me at ease. My expectations for myself change.  I simply expect to have fun.

Please don’t get me wrong, hard work, discipline and life long learning are highly valuable to our well being, but we can’t be experts at everything, so why not let perfection go and enjoy life? It’s a lot more fun!

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Sharing a Note I Wrote to a Couple I’m Coaching

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I’m sharing a portion of a note I sent to clients because I thought  it may be helpful for other couples who are struggling.  Of  course names are changed to protect the identities, and wording changed just slightly.  When I wrote it I had no intention of using it as a blog post. It was written quickly, after a session. It reveals

“First of all, you two are on your way to having a great new season of life. The desire you both have to have a fulfilling relationship is paramount yet it’s coupled with Jan’s determination to strengthen her own character and John, your encouraging support. Unless one of you just rolls over and gives up, refusing to do the work – you are going to come through this with flying colors!!

I understand that dreaming together was a difficult Action Step, though I’m not sorry you did it because it gave me insight as to where your communication struggles are.

One of the first rules of dreaming together (that I obviously did not make clear) is that there is to be no judgement on dreams. The point of dreaming together is to get to know the other’s heart.  Dreams are not plans of action, they are expressions of what makes YOUR heart sing. Therefore, I hope you will not stop dreaming together.

Some may think that because the other’s dreams look very different than their own that they are not meant for each other – and they should go their separate ways – I disagree whole heartedly.  I believe that it is in the overlapping of our dreams that true fulfillment comes. It is when we look at the core of what causes us to dream what we do that we learn to appreciate and value each other’s deepest desires.  It draws us back to that place of loving deeply. Once we do that, overlapping our dreams is not nearly so difficult and incredibly fulfilling.

I would like to see you re-explore the dreams you each laid out.  REMEMBERING these are not plans of action. You each just shared your heart. That was good. If you would now take time to engage in each others dreams that would be great.  Asking each other questions that draw the other out … ie. how do you see your dream as benefitting our marriage?  THEN  after you have each had plenty of time to share your hearts…. go one step farther and by trying to engage in the other’s dream by identifying with something in it.  ie. John might say “I appreciate the fact that you want for me a job that is less draining and, it makes me smile to think you  want to be around me more.  I hope that someday soon we can make this part of your dream a reality.”  –  just find something to identify with and hope for….. And of course Jan, you would do the same regarding John’s dream.  There are more steps but I think for now this is enough.

A big part of this exercise is learning to focus your attention on what is good. This very small thing is absolutely huge in healing your hearts and moving forward.  Truthfully, there have always been, (even when you were dating and first married) many negative things and many differences you could have focussed on, but you chose not to. Somewhere along the line most couple’s focus shifts. We don’t realize it until we’re glued on looking at the negatives.  Fortunately that glue isn’t permanent! We get to choose our focus.”

If you are married and have stopped dreaming together, I  hope this will encourage you to begin dreaming together again and remind us all that we have a choice as to where we place our focus.

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When Your Thinkin’ is Stinkin’

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Though we may love the holidays, they almost always bring with them added stress. To experience joy and peace we must choose our thoughts wisely.

Unless we suffer from REAL mental illness, we have the ability to choose helpful and healthy thoughts. It doesn’t come naturally to most but it’s an important life skill that can be learned. It’s not taught in school yet it is more beneficial than almost any other life skill.

2 QUICK & SIMPLE TIPS
Ask yourself:
1) Do my thoughts help me be the person I want to be?
If they don’t, ask: 
2) What could I choose to think instead?

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Joe & Carri #5 – Dreaming Kibosh

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Both Joe and Carri were determined to create a better future. They hoped it would be together but they were separated and there were no guarantees.  After quite a few sessions they were beginning to believe each other when they said I want “us” to make it. “I want you to be the one I grow old with.”

Without vision for a better future we repeat the past.  They didn’t want that to happen! It was time to begin dreaming of a wonderful restoration and of a marriage that was better than ever before. They each wrote out their ideas of an ideal future together then shared via Skype. Joe focused in on the short term. He was aching for a plan of  reconciliation so he dreamed of how it might unfold. Carri was thinking long term and dreamed of  long term things – like her ideal place to live. It did not go well! He was hurt because her ideal place to live happily ever after was not somewhere he ever wanted to live again! She was hurt because she risked sharing her inmost desires. Wasn’t that what they were supposed to do?

After talking through how they could have responded to each other in a more positive way they decided to give it another shot with a few ground rules in place. I summarized what we’d talked about in an email. This is what I said: “I would like to see you re-explore the dreams you each laid out.  REMEMBERING these are not plans of action. You each just shared your heart. That was good. If you would now take time to engage in each others dreams that would be great.  Asking each other questions that draw the other out and show your interest in them! … ie. how do you see your dream as benefitting our marriage? THEN  after you have each had plenty of time to share your hearts, go one step farther. Try to engage in the other’s dream by identifying with something in it.  ie. Joe might say “I appreciate the fact that you want for me, a job that is less draining and it makes me smile to think you want to be around me more.  I hope that someday soon we can make this part of your dream a reality.”  Just find something to identify with….. And of course Carri would do the same regarding Joe’s dream. If that is not enough to do this week 🙂 Carri came up with an Action Step that pertains to what you asked for Joe, in your Skype conversation – that is dealing with the responsibilities of life.  She said, “I want us to be able to discuss money issues. I think we need to set some ground rules about how to do that, then develop a plan for dealing with our finances.”  I said that’s a great idea, but talking about it and putting it into action are two different things.  So my challenge is – Talk about it then… Put it into action. As you know, I’m praying for you! 🙂 HAVE A GREAT WEEK!

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Joe & Carri #4 – Step By Step

CFWL-WaitingJoe and Carri’s Action Step for the past week was to share with each other what had been hard about the separation. I realized  it was only in our sessions that they were discovering the other was also hurting, lonely and sad, so I asked if it would be helpful for them to continue the conversation privately. Although Carri was nervous she thought it could be helpful so we talked a little about how she could muster the courage and express herself as she desired.

The next week I got a great report!  Of course, there were still many issues to work out but step by step they were embarking on the process.

As time went on we talked about their family dynamics, the inequality of responsibilities and the wall of resentment they’d built.  It took a little time, but fairly quickly they realized that most of their issues had grown into insurmountable mountains because they’d failed to take the time to openly and honestly work through things.

Business, with work and children, coupled with fear of  conversations that might  stir  up conflict contributed to their communication breakdown. Carri was realizing the importance of staying in the game, facing conflicts and working through them. She was diligently exploring all kinds of self help and was working hard to  acquire better communication skills.

Joe wanted a plan sooo badly! Although he could be the more spontaneous of the two, he NEEDED to know how long he was going to have to reunite with his wife.  She was not ready to end the separation. But she was ready, or so she thought, to start dreaming with Joe. It sounded like a great idea, so I asked if they’d like to make it their Action Step for the coming week.  We all thought they’d have another great week.  – ha!