Tag: lifecoaching

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Brutally Honest

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I read an article last week written by a business woman who feared she was “too honest.”  She said she thought that her customers might actually be scared away by her honesty.  It made me think about my own honesty.

Years ago I was accused of being brutally honest.  I prided myself on my honesty but I certainly didn’t want to hurt anyone. Was it true? Was my honesty brutal? I knew that my intentions were pure but realized that with immature delivery, the point, whatever it was, would be lost.  There is a proverb that says, “Be kind and honest and you will live a long life; others will respect you and treat you fairly.”  – I want to be kind AND honest – not brutal!

I was somewhat confused by the accusation. I knew what it meant, but I thought my words were pretty gentle. I knew, even in college, that my friends valued my honesty and would come to me when they wanted the straight up truth.  ie: I gained a reputation with girls on my floor, and soon many were coming to me to when they needed another pair of eyes to determine if the outfit was flattering!  They kept coming back so I knew my answers weren’t offensive.  I don’t remember exactly how I handled it when I thought their choice was atrocious – oh, and some were! I imagine I asked them to bring options, so we could pick the best one.

I’d never been accused of  brutality before. Certainly, without gentleness, honesty can cause undue hurt. Examining my words a bit more carefully was surely not going to hurt, but as I did,  I began to wonder if  some folks just don’t want the truth? It was such a foreign idea to me,  could it be true?

Obviously, if people don’t ask, they probably don’t want to know, but what I’ve learned as a coach is that even when people ask, many do not want the truth, or so it seems. It is true some love flattery more than truth.   Ahhh yes, and here’s the rub.  Who says my opinion is the truth?  ME!  – don’t we all!!  . . . . but that’t another story! 🙂

More mature people and those who have a desire to excel want our honesty. They enjoy gathering people’s thoughts and opinions because it helps them grow. They are wise enough to recognize and  filter the source of the comments and enjoy assimilating (probably subconsciously) the information they have gathered.
When we are too tied to our thoughts and opinions and believe it is THE truth we can become overbearing, trying to get them to do things our way. Funny how those folks are rarely asked but offer their thoughts very often with force and power as thought it is in fact THE truth! That’s what I’d call Brutal Honesty.

As a coaches, we are trained not to offer our opinions, even when asked – and for good reason.  Most folks have heard, or can think of, a lot of opinions about whatever they are dealing with. Another opinion rarely makes a difference.  People are continually gathering information: opinions, ideas, facts, etc.. What helps is walking through the filtering process together.  Noting the sources from whence gremlins are coming and highlighting the things that might be helpful.
Even more difficult than filtering is utilizing and implementing what we’ve learned – great coaches excel in these areas.

The article I read was about being “too honest” honest, not brutally honest – that was my own soap box.  As I read through her piece I believe what was happening was information overload. Honesty is vitally important in life and business. However, it is crucial that we are discerning as to how and when we share.  We can indeed scare people away with too much information! We generally take things in best, a little at a time.

Lack of honesty usually happens in phases. Deception usually comes before outright lies. Most of us want to be honest, but when business, our reputation or someone or something we care about are at stake we may want to hide some things. This is our first warning signal.  Sharing at the right time and deception are two very different things. What is making us want to hide?

We can also hurt people with information they are not prepared to receive.  While it is sometimes necessary to share such things – it isn’t always. Discernment is key. Asking ourselves why we want to share something can be enlightening.
Our motives are not always pure. While it may be helpful for us to get something off our chest, if it damages another, is it the right thing to do?

Though some folks think complete vulnerability is what we are to be about, I beg to differ.  Even Jesus chose not to share some things with some people.

Too honest and brutally honest have some big draw back, how about we aim for kind and honest. We’ll feel good about how we’re treating people and have a clear conscience too!

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How to Strengthen Any Relationship

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Think about how you feel when someone asks you a question but they don’t listen to your response. Or when you are having a conversation with someone but when you begin speaking they are obviously less than engaged. It doesn’t feel good. Checking phones, or worse yet texting, looking back at the tv, interacting with a toddler are distractions that happen all too often. 

Learning to be a great listener is not that hard and it’s one of the best ways to strengthen relationships. Most of us are guilty of being less than great listeners, and need to be reminded of it’s importance.

We are busy people and great multi taskers – often at the expense of great relationships. It has been proven that it is not possible to multi-task with 2 streams of words. Forbes News Post writer Erika Anderson reports, “Your brain just can’t take in and process two simultaneous, separate streams of information and encode them fully into short-term memory. When information doesn’t make it into short-term memory, it can’t be transferred into long-term memory for recall later. If you can’t recall it, you can’t use it.”

Maybe you don’t mulit-task – good for you! Interrupting, thinking about our response, or analyzing/judging what is being said are other signals we are not listening well. These often stem from a good motive. We are listening, but we are more concerned with our role in the conversation than with the person, so we are thinking about what we will say next rather than listening with empathy and for understanding. When we begin to understand what they are saying and how they feel we know we’re on the right track. This doesn’t mean we have to agree with them or adopt their feelings – it just means we have and understanding of the content of their words and can see where their feelings are coming from.

Some conversations are simply for information, so the importance is about content, but not necessarily less important. Just yesterday my son told me where he was going and who he was going to be with. When he returned I asked him if he had a good time and he began telling me about it. I was stunned to realize I had not listened well. He was with an entirely different group of people than I had thought. I didn’t let on, but when I looked back at his texts, there was evidence he had told me, both verbally and by text who he was hanging out with!  In this case, no harm was done because he didn’t know – unless he is more perceptive than I think!  But generally, when we get information wrong that people have taken time to relay – they feel slighted and we have damaged our relationship. Writing this is convicting me. I am guilty way too often of not retaining this kind of information.

Whether it’s business, friends, family or acquaintances, relationships are what keep the world in harmony. Relationships blossom and grow when we respect each other enough to listen well.

Realizing the importance of good listening skills is the first step. There are many tools and tricks to help you, like eye contact, repeating back what was said, asking clarifying questions etc.  A google search will quickly pull up all kinds of articles if you need more ideas.

We all have the capacity to be good listeners and we become one when we begin valuing people more highly. When we place a greater value on our relationships we choose not to multi task and we have a desire to understand so we engage in their story and/or take interest in the informations that is being shared. This may mean we need a moment before we respond, but that is ok. Being quick to listen and slow to speak is wisdom from above!

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Unresolved Issues

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Wouldn’t you rather just avoid unresolved issues? Bringing them up can feel like we’re asking for a fight. However, unresolved issues that have caused wounds tend to raise their ugly head when new conflicts arise yet if we can keep our minds focussed on the current conflict, resolve to that issue comes much more quickly. Until past wounds have healed those memories will, more than likely, arise causing pain, uncertainty and unneceesary turmoil over current issues.

I recently took care of a 4 year old issue. I know, that’s crazy – I’m a relationship coach! But I do happen to be human. It wasn’t that I’d meant to stuff it. At first it was too painful to talk about. Every time I tried I’d end up in tears and then get flustered and couldn’t make my points and he’d get mad because we  had a good and loving relationship so he thought we should have been able to move on -and I agreed. So I stuffed it.

Years past and it didn’t rear it’s ugly head anymore – except when it did. I was going to say it was only because current circumstances seemed to mimic what had happened. I wasn’t mad but the pain felt a little raw so I’m sure hormones and other factors also played into it. Fortunately, being a relationship coach, I did realize that trying talk through it when I was feeling the pain was a terrible idea, so I waited for an opportune time. To him it seemed odd. We hadn’t dug up old stuff in years – we just don’t do that because we’ve forgiven and given most things a proper burial.
But this one thing . . .

So, one evening when we were dreaming together I caught myself backing up very quickly because a wave of fear swept over me and I knew it was the right time to bring it up.

Another thing I’ve learned is that prefacing sensitive conversations with the intention helps tremendously so I told him I needed to talk about something before I could dream freely. I told him I wanted to be confident that we could move into this new phase of life on the same page and know for certain that we would work through differences by communicating openly. I let him know that my intention for the conversation was to give me the security and confidence I needed for us to have the best relationship possible. While he still wasn’t excited to have the conversation he understood the importance. 

It wasn’t an easy conversation but by prefacing it with my intention and expressing how I was hurt rather than accusing him we were able to work through it pretty quickly. Funny thing is, there wasn’t a lot of forgiving to do. Just hearing how he viewed what had happened acknowledging both his part and mine gave me the assurance that we were on the same page. Finally it could be laid to rest permanently.

No couple will ever agree on everything and there may always be sadness around some issues, but wounds that fester and are buried do not die quickly. These memories hurt our relationship. They need to be laid to rest properly and permanently. It takes two mature people who love each other deeply and are committed to a good and growing relationship to tend to old wounds. If you’re not there, don’t rush it. The last thing you want is more damage done. 

One way to test the waters to see if your relationship mature enough to handle tending to old wounds is to preface your conversation with your pure motives and see how it flies. 

For me, I knew that I couldn’t dream about certain things with him or entertain ideas that were even remotely close to looking like the situation that our unresolved issued was around. I was afraid that a nightmare would creep in and steel the dream again. I wanted us to acknowledge that without intentionality it could happen again. And I wanted assurance that we would be make our relationship more important than the dream.

A demand for a confession or forgiveness is never helpful, so don’t go there even if that is what you think you need. Instead ask yourself, what is the benefit I want from talking about this issue? And proceed with confidence and sensitivity. Another day may be a better choice. Choosing your time wisely will help ensure the outcome you desire.

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Empowering Relationships At Every Level

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The term ‘designed alliance’ is commonly used to describe the way a coach and client pre frame their relationship. It is a conversation that empowers the client to be successful. In life, designed alliances can improve any relationship.

Despite the fact that clients are made well aware that their coach is ‘for’ them, every person’s background taints how they hear words. Therefore, a designed alliance can be of great benefit. This conversation usually happens prior to the first session however it can happen at anytime and is often modified as time goes by.

For example, if a client has heard flattery their whole life, they may request that if affirmation is given that it is specific. (fyi -non-specific accolades are poor coaching tactics but the client does not know that!) Or, they may alert me to a particularly sensitive area and request no challenges in that area until further notified. Or, they may offer ways that have effectively motivated them in the past when they’ve been stuck, resistant or faced fear.

If you’ve never designed an alliance before, don’t worry if it’s not perfect at first. Sometimes what we say we want has to be tweaked to make it work optimally. When you first notice that something isn’t working well and the relationship is faltering or just lacking, it’s a good time to reassess the alliance.

The concept is valuable in all kinds of relationships—romantic or business partnerships, friends, parent-child, etc… The client/coach relationship is one sided, but in other relationships a designed alliance is for the benefit of both parties. Imagine what it would be like if the intention of every one of your relationships was to encourage and empower one another. How would your life be different?

It is never too late to take action. Relationships are ever evolving and it takes the initiative of one for changes to be made. Getting some coaching may be the right choice if there is great suffering in the relationship and it is a relationship of great importance. However, if the relationship just needs some maintenance it may be as simple as sharing this article and suggesting creating a mutually beneficial alliance.

Though it is wonderful when both parties cooperate in designing the alliance, the most incredible transformations happen when you begin focussing on changing yourself – how you respond, not being easily offended, choosing to encourage and empower even if they are not holding up their end of the alliance etc….. Not only can your relationship be dramatically transformed, YOU will be dramatically transformed. It’s not easy when you are going it alone but when one person changes, the relationship is forced to change to accommodate the change of the one. When the change of the one is good, it almost invariably affects the relationship for good

The notion of creating an “alliance” instills the understanding that “we are in this together,” working to consciously design a successful experience for both individuals. For many years, my husband and I have used the phrase “I’m on your team” when we we’ve been at odds. It’a a great reminder of the alliance we made when we said our vows but also works well when a child, friend or co worker seem to think we are  not ‘for’ them. Rather than assigning blame as to why they are not hearing you as ‘for’ them (ie. they are in a bad mood, or allowing them to assign blame ie. it’s your tone of voice)  just the simple reminder, “I’m on your team” goes a long way.

What kind of alliances do you want with your children, friends, family and co workers? 

Marriage vows are one of the few relational alliances we utilize commonly in this country but are much too intimate for most relationships, however, thinking about them may help you see where your other relationships could grow. ie. maybe your children need to know, verbally, that you will always, no matter what, love them.  A conversation about your needs, their needs and the support you can offer one another is a great place to start – in any relationship. If that is just too uncomfortable you can go it alone.  By rising above your own initial reactions and becoming the person you want to be regardless of other’s behavior may be a slower road to relationship transformation but can still have have amazing results and empower your relationships at every level.

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It’s Not My Fault!

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He must be an only child!

The thought comes naturally. What child doesn’t say ‘he did it’ or ‘she made me’ when they get caught? Shifting blame is one escape and one lie that we’ve all justified at one time or another.

It’s a deception we buy into without even realizing it.

One key to knowing if you’re playing into the blame game is being conscious of when you think or say things like,  “If they didn’t ___________ then I wouldn’t _____________. ”

We feel a lot better about ourselves if we can put the onus of why we did something we wish we hadn’t done on someone else. For example “I’m always late to work because my daughter isn’t a morning person and I can’t get her in the car on time.” Or, “If my wife wasn’t such a nag I might actually do some of the things on the honey do list.”  Or, “I know I’m negative, but you would be too if you worked in the environment I work in.”

Or maybe you blame your past on who you are today. I love the NCIS episode where Callen asks the young man in trouble “so how many foster homes were you in?” and he says “nine” Callen responds compassionately and says “yeah it is rough – I was in 37.”

As adults we have the opportunity to choose how we will live,  what we will think and what we will do and say. Someone should really claim responsibility for this great quote, “Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it.”

Blame comes naturally. Taking responsibility does not. It seems to a child, and to us when we are not conscious of what we are doing, that shifting blame protects us. If we claim innocence we look good. Wrong! Think about the people in your circles that you most admire. My guess is not that they are perfect or claim to be perfect. My guess is that they are the folks who live life to the fullest, make mistakes and get back up again. They are the people who do their best realizing that sometimes things are truly out of their control but they take responsibility for who they are, what they do and what they say. They are empowered people.

It can be a little scary to own up to things. I think most of us are categorically blamers. We take responsibility for most stuff but there are some areas we don’t. I don’t think of myself as a blamer, but I have to admit to a few areas that are just hard! I’m rethinking as I write this how I will make different choices in the future.

I realize from past experience how empowering it is to take responsibility. It has empowered me to forgive myself and move forward with a renewed spirit and renewed energy. I hope you will take time to rethink how you might be shifting blame so that you too can make different choices, be empowered to forgive and find freedom. It’s worth it!