Tag: love

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Saving Relationships – Step #7 – Not Feeling Loved?

For years I felt like if my husband really loved me 
he would not leave his clothes and shoes 
all over the house. 
It made me want to scream!

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I finally decided I would deal with the clothes because they were mostly left in our bedroom or bathroom…but not the shoes! No way – they landed everywhere! Sometimes I would trip on them which made me mad. This is embarrassingly immature but I often wished I would break my arm or something terrible so he would feel bad and learn his lesson! I can’t believe I just admitted that – haha
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I have no idea what triggered the changed in me, but finally, I realized how ridiculous my thoughts were.  How could I be so silly? Why couldn’t I just accept his love the way he showed love? Why did I set up this rule for myself……  
“I refuse to feel loved if you don’t put your shoes away.”   This may seem trivial, but I want you to know, my rule could have easily ruined us because you know what? Those thoughts led to a zillion other negative thoughts.I did my best….Early on I valiantly tried to teach him that every thing had a home.  Even in my irritation, he would make me laugh by telling me his shoes loved vacationing!  Amazing how humor takes the edge off our emotions. I just thank God I let go of that deadly rule – or I would have been choosing to be miserably unhappy to this day! He’s tons better now, but his shoes still go on vacation quite frequently.

Instead I now try to smile when I pick up his shoes and remember – I can let my rule ruin us or I can choose to accept him, and his love as he is able to give it.To my benefit, as I’ve accepted his gestures of love and chosen to cherish how he was trying, he has chosen to learn my love languages.

I can’t say I don’t ever feel irritated or let it put me in a bad mood – it still happens now and then but the rule has died. I don’t equate good housekeeping skills with love.

The bigger picture is – I try not to judge his heart through the lens of my expectations.

So you name it…… what’s your beef? What rule have you set up that’s detrimental to your relationship?  Are you willing to let go of the rule for the sake of your relationship?

Step #7 – Stop equating rules with love.

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This quote is from
John Wesely, 
not Jesus! 
Bummer!
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Saving Relationships – Step #3 – How to Get Over The Past

8405503_origIs the past still hanging out the with you making it hard to take even these little steps in the right direction? 

The good news is that getting over your past is a done deal because guess what?  Your past is already over!  And you can let go of it too because it’s not holding you – you are holding onto it!  It’s your choice as to when you decide to let go. Yes, yes, I know – you want to, but it’s hard to do!!  (I asked one of my clients to read this prior to posting and they said that I needed to add…. “it may be hard, but the reward is soooooo worth it!)

So how do folks, who have gone through the most awful stuff, emerge on the other side with relationships that are stronger than before the trauma? Of course, if you think for just a second, you’ll know the answer, but I won’t make you think – I’ll just go ahead and blurt it out.  They learn from it! Yep, they allow the tough times to be what they are supposed to be
– a catalyst for growth rather than an excuse for destruction.

What will you choose? 
Catalyst For Growth  OR
Excuse For Destruction?

I’m going to assume you want to take the high road. And yes, it can be tough to climb high enough to reach that high road, but once you get there the results are far more pleasant – for everyone involved.

What does it take? Forgiveness may be the first thing that comes to mind, but what if you didn’t have to feel that pressure just yet?  What if all you need to do right now is  humbly accept the fact that what happened is not something you can do anything about and embraced the truth – it’s not worth your time and energy thinking about how things could have been different.  Then directed your focus (time and energy) into how you would like your future to look? Often we focus so much on trying to forgive that we stifle our growth and stay in unforgiveness way too long.  Maybe God’s way of helping us with  the feeling of forgiveness is to grant those feelings to us when we choose to stop focusing on how difficult it is and begin focussing on moving forward.

Every situation is different.  But the strategy is the same.  We have to change our mindset if we want to get over our past and look at it as a catalyst for growth. So begin asking yourself, how do I want to be different because of this?  What is my vision of a great relationship and what is my part in making it happen?

Step #3 – Get Over The Past by Focusing on the Future You Desire

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Saving Relationships – Step#2

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Okay – this isn’t a secret.  Everyone seems to know that human touch is crucial for human development.  We’ve heard this statistic:  “We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance. We need 12 hugs a day for growth.” —Virginia Satir – Family Therapist (1916-1988)

But did you know that human touch is crucial for relationship development and is a crucial step for saving a relationship? I’m not talking about sex or even sexual advances.  I’m talking a loving kiss on the forehead, a gentle caress of the cheek, a caring back or foot rub, a knowing squeeze of the hand – you get the idea. These are things appropriate for your kids, your parents and YES your spouse.  If this seems like a ridiculous suggestion, think again.  It is admittedly a small step, but you have to admit, if your relationship is in a mess, it probably happened a little at a time. 

                              So let’s give the little steps a chance!
The cool thing about this step is that it’s unlikely you’re going to get back handed – if you do, you need serious help!!  The usual response when this is not your normal M.O.  is a look of disbelief or bewilderment – but after a week of taming your tongue, it may be welcomed.  If not. . . if it is not warmly received – not to worry.  Just try again every couple of hours until it is your normal M.O.                                                                                 

Step #2: Make being affectionate your normal M.O.

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Saving Relationships – Step #1

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Being Sweet

I’ve known a little secret for a long time, but only recently have I       (in my conscious mind) applied it to relationships.  When I read an article that was titled something like “Save Your Marriage – Stop Talking About Your Problems” by Mert Fertel I realized…..”but of course, – this little secret works to heal hurting, and even dying,  relationships”  (although I have to admit when I first read the title I thought whaaat?) But then I realized – it’s what I do, what I believe and it’s what coaching is all about!! It’s the path I take whenever I’m ready to move forward because it ALWAYS works.


So what is IT? What’s my little secret?It’s simply “forgetting what lies behind and pressing on toward the goal,” or as the article put it, stop talking about the past so you can get on with a better future.

You may say, “yeah right – you have no idea how messed up our life is! That is simply not possible.”  And I would say, “if that is what you truly believe and that is where you WANT to stay, then your doubts will be your truth.” However, if you can bring yourself to say “I don’t want this marriage — as it is — but I want this marriage.  I want our relationship to be fun and full of love, trust, mutual admiration, understanding, encouragement, fun, romance, team parenting, perseverance, connectedness, fun, team decision making, intimacy, fun, listening, adoration, respect. . .”  AND you’re willing to give some whole hearted effort into something different then THERE IS HOPE!

If you are in a relationship that is suffering (this works for all kinds of relationships – not just marriages) try this:  For Now – stop talking about what’s wrong.  To fill that conversation gap – dig deep and find something really kind to say – it does wonders. No backtracking though – be strong.  Say it and mean it – regardless of the possible sarcastic response.  Just remember mama knows best and didn’t she always say – if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.

Step #1:  Don’t rehash stuff.  Instead say nice things.

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Testimonies – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #12

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Tina’s Testimony:
“Calling Suzette was a last ditch effort. We’d been miserable for years and I was done. Something had to give. He was looking for apartments and that was fine with me. I don’t know why I called her. I guess I knew in my heart of hearts (because I’d done coaching in the past) that things could be different. I had no idea how different! I am more in love with Tim than ever. He’s been out of a job and we finished with coaching months ago, but we are still doing great. It’s like we we got 
reprogrammed.”

Tim’s Testimony:
“I dreaded the thought of coaching. What I didn’t know is that it would be all about making changes. Little by little we changed the way we communicated and we changed our habits. It was the Action Steps that changed our lives. At first I was skeptical. We’d paid for so much counseling through the years and we were still a mess. I agreed but didn’t expect much. I also wondered what it meant for us as a couple, did it mean we weren’t meant to be together, did it mean we were dysfunctional? I think it was really helpful to have Suzette listen and give a different perspective. She was also great about adapting to our personalities and what would 
work for us, not just a formula from a book.   

 I learned a lot about my wife, things I never knew before. Suzette also helped us communicate in ways we had never thought of before. I learned that my assessment of who I was and what I thought was not as accurate as I thought. I learned how to open myself up, and I am much more self aware about my reactions and interactions with not only my wife, but also with others. I was surprised how much Suzette helped us as people, in addition to helping our relationship. I am a better person in many facets of my life, not to mention a better husband.
I absolutely would recommend Suzette. Her kind ear and creative mind really can help everyone for any type of goal you may have to improve your life. It wasn’t all skipping through the daises. Some days I wanted to throw in the towel. I really felt like she put in the effort to personalize her actions towards us as individuals. No matter what it is, I think Suzette can help you reach your goals.” 

I want to publicly thank you, Tim & Tina, for allowing me to tell your stories. Your transformation has been truly miraculous to witness. Thank you for allowing me to play a part.  I hope and pray that other lives, families and marriages will be restored because of you.