Tag: love

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Wrap Up – Tim & Tina #11

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On the edge of the cliff of divorce back in January of 2012, Tim and Tina called me to see if I thought there was any hope. We did approx. 6 months of coaching. 
I then started blogging about them in September and have written 10 posts to give you an idea of the varied issues we addressed.

Because there are so many other success stories to tell, not to mention the random thoughts I’d like to share, I think I’m done blogging about Tim and Tina. 🙂

While I’m aware that my blog posts do not really show how coaching works, I hope they give you a glimpse of how effective it can be for those who are willing to engage in the process and hope that they have shown that very few things are non coachable.  You should know that mental illness, serious abuse and real addictions are not within the realm of my training or expertise.

If you have questions about coaching, don’t hesitate to call me.  References are also available.

Their testimonies next week.

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Betrayal = Emergency Call – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #10

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Late one evening my phone rang. I recognized the number so I answered. Tim and Tina were both on the line. “I feel so betrayed!” Tina sobbed.  My mind raced.

She couldn’t speak so Tim blurted out, “I started smoking again. I haven’t smoked in years, but I don’t know…. losing my job- yeah, well she caught me”  pause “and this is exactly why I keep things from her!!!”

 

Tina gained composure (sort of) and shared about how well they’d been doing but this was a “big fat lie and she was not going to live with a liar!“  She cried but continued, “If only he’d been honest things would be so different!  He could have just told me – that would have been so much better.”  Tim didn’t buy it. Until now, Tim said he honestly thought that hiding this embarrassing habit was protecting everyone. He certainly didn’t want their little girl Tessa to know!

Tina admitted that over reacting was sometimes an issue. Flippantly I challenged her to think about what her reaction would have been had he simply announced that he had resumed this nasty habit.  It was an unexpected call and I’m not sure I was on my best game as a coach, but we worked through it and then worked on a plan for creating a safe place for all things, good and bad, to be shared.

The next morning I got a “Spot Call” from Tina.  I told her I thought I’d been a little hard on her, but she wouldn’t hear it. She told me she needed to be challenged. Phew! She said that they talked about their plan for dealing with similar situations in the future.  He vowed to take the risk.  In the future he would tell her he was going to be vulnerable despite his fears. She vowed that upon hearing these words she would listen and respond appropriately.

Next week I’ll wrap up Tim and Tina’s story with a couple of final issues we dealt with. Then their testimonies! Can’t wait for those 🙂

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The Work it Took – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #9

After 6 months of Tim & Tina were beginning to have trouble knowing what else they wanted to change. We began a session by recounting the work they had done so far.  Their marriage was all but over when we began, but with work, these things had changed:

  • Mutual respect when communicating – being as polite with each other as with a friend
  • Communicating in general – recognizing old patterns quickly and stopping them, keeping the dust devils from turning into tornadoes
  • Forgiveness for wounds from the past
  • The ability to shift the focus from negative to positive  
  • Non sexual affection
  • Verbalizing admiration and appreciation
  • Reviving Intimacy
  • Recognizing triggers and being respectful 
  • Allowing the other to have their own emotions without taking them on personally
  • Planning ahead for stressful situations
  • Parenting
  • The desire to have a legacy of a good marriage 
  • Keeping God’s truths at the center of the relationship 

7323549After talking about how far they’d come, Tim confessed, “I have some forgiving to do as well.  It’s frustrating that Tina has lost faith in my words but I know I caused a lot of pain in our relationship which caused her to act in certain ways. I have to forgive you Tina for holding onto that pain too long and I have to forgive me – that’s even harder. I want this marriage more than anything else in life but it’s caused more pain than anything. I want nothing more than to give. I’ve felt convicted of my own part in this and I realize it takes action and it takes time.  Maybe most importantly, it takes consistency on my part. That’s what I want to be about.”

It was nice for Tina to be able to be the support person. She was ecstatic to see his determination and commitment to be faithful to the work of creating a great marriage. They were both aware that the work would never end, but it was getting much easier. It was a work they were beginning to enjoy. It seemed so good! Tina certainly wasn’t prepared for the big let down that was about to drop.

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Accelerated Progress! – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #7

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Tina was making real headway. She finally decided she truly wanted to forgive her husband (and father) and was willing to do whatever was necessary to free herself from this heavy burden. It was crazy how overcoming this hurdle caused the gas pedal to get pushed to the floor! Their progress as a couple accelerated like crazy.

She decided that in order to forgive, she needed to be clear about what she was forgiving them for. Writing the offenses down helped her because she could look at them and actively choose to pray about each one and release it.  In order to keep her mind occupied with pure and lovely things, she shifted her fous by starting a gratitude journal – writing down all of the things that made Tim a great catch. Tina’s life was truly being transformed.

Tim’s life was changing too. He had a revelation! He was beginning to be aware of Tina’s assets and during our session mentioned a whole slew of thoughts he’s had during the week. Tina was blown away by all the wonderful things he was saying. Interestingly, it was the first time Tina had heard these wonderful accolades. For some strange (but very common) reason, Tim thought she knew what he’d been thinking! haha!!  He became acutely aware that if he wanted her to know his thought – he would have no choice but to speak them.  He cracked me up when he said he had a two step formula for making it happen. . .

  1. Notice good things
  2. Move My Lips!!

This formula did wonders for them!

Life was so much better for Tim and Tina that they were becoming pro active – looking at future events and situations and deciding in advance how they would handle them. They were planning a trip to see her dad. She knew she would be pushed to her limits. They worked together and made some plans. She asked Tim for extra encouragement and affirmation during this time and they came up with some plans to give her some relief it needed. To their delight, and to mine, they had the best family visit of all time!

Next week I tell you the story of how the death of Tina’s prince charming, saved their marriage.

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Hope For Our Future – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #6

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“It hasn’t been easy,” Tina said, “but I’m not heartbroken and I don’t feel that awful sense of rejection anymore.  We are addressing every part, spiritual, emotional and physical. He’s owning his part and I actually believe him. We’ve had some very painful weeks, but not without it’s reward.   Tim immediately said, “I echo that.”

 

Wow! I was so thankful that they were seeing and feeling the progress they’d made.


Tina was still suffering some serious sadness and having difficulty being vulnerable.

She was so afraid that he would revert to his old ways. Amazingly, she was now able to express her doubts and be heard without Tim taking on the guilt that used to send him into a downward spiral. She needed to process her feelings out loud.  With conscious effort he had become strong enough and wise enough to do his part well. . .  just listen and offer the support she had desperately desired for years.

What a blessed relief it was for Tim to finally realize that what she wanted was far easier than what he thought he needed to give! He really didn’t have to fix it.

He was discovering that expressing his thoughts, even when he was tempted to shut down was beneficial. He had assumed that Tina was not capable of hearing his heart and was delighted to find that when she felt his support, she reciprocated very well, treasuring the depths of his heart.  After 15 long hard years they were connecting with each other on a deep level.

Tina voiced her conviction, “God is forcing me, or maybe just asking me, to grow up. My happiness cannot rely on Tim.”  Bummer! She couldn’t use him as an excuse anymore. She knew that there would be seasons in life where he wouldn’t be on his behavior and because of that realized the importance of learning to guard her heart.

The freedom she found was empowering! By taking full responsibility for herself she could draw closer to Tim without fear.

Their hearts were connecting and so it was time for more than that. Both expressed fear about reconnecting intimately. It was a healthy conversation for Tim and Tina albeit a bit weird for me! I felt like a sex therapist. I managed to talk them through it and they were none the wiser that my face was flushed! (All of our coaching was via conference calls.) Give me a break – I didn’t get training for this and the depth of the topic was quite a surprise, but I did it and it helped them tremendously. The good new is, they did it! ha 🙂