Tag: love

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Disillusioned & Distant – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #1

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Tim and Tina’s story is told with their permission. Names have been changed to protect their privacy, however, if you are seriously considering coaching they would be happy to talk to you about their experience. While this blog is intended to inspire you to do whatever it takes to get your marriage healthy, not to “sell” coaching, I am delighted to help people who are ready to do the work.  If you would like to speak with Tim and/or Tina, contact me and I will facilitate your connection. 
Tim and Tina were never really happy.  For most of their 15 years they had communicated with harsh words and escalated volumes.  Of course there were the civil conversations too, but as often as not, there was fighting.As with many couples they did not have children immediately.  Having Tessa, after 9 years, created a sense of purpose for them which was wonderful but short lived.  Soon they realized they were back in the same old patterns with a little one absorbing every harsh word. They noticed that even before she could understand the words her mood could be affected for hours, even days after they’d had a screaming match.

Even so, they stayed together because their core belief was that marriage is for life.

By the time they contacted me their core belief was so battered and bruised by the emotional trauma they were suffering on a daily basis that Tim had begun looking for apartments.  Tina had kicked him out of the bedroom months earlier and they had not been intimate for years.  Their turn around has truly been miraculous!

 

The (really rough) notes below are from our very first session. As you can imagine, during their first session, they were guarded with their answers, so magnify them about 80% and you’ll get a real feel for where we were starting! 
As you contemplate working with a coach, what results would you like to achieve?Tim: Better communication skills. Understanding how Tina thinks. How to avoid letting the small stuff brewing into a much larger blow out.

Tina: A feeling of working together as a team towards our goals.  Rebuilt trust. I would like to feel loved, cherished, appreciated and sexy in my husband’s eyes.  I would like to stop being such a bitch all the time and let go of debilitating insecurities.  I want a clear picture of what our future looks like together – know that it’s worth this effort.

Imagine that you have been successful in accomplishing your goals in coaching. How will your relationship be different than it is now?

Tim: We would be a team. Loving, caring, completely trusting each other, comfortable with being vulnerable and having a partnership that can’t be broken. She would live in my heart and I would cleave to her. (sappy, but that’s what he said! :))

Tina: I would respect my husband again and he, me.  I would trust my husband with decisions regarding our household affairs.  I would have stopped having to second guess what my husband really thinks and feels.  There would be enough trust in our relationship to be able to speak truth knowing we have each other’s best interest at heart.  My husband and I would use sex as a way of expressing our deep and devoted love for one another. We would engage in family activities together and enjoy it.

What habits/activities/thought processes do you need to drop, simplify or let go of, in order to achieve those results?

Tim: Pride and taking her for granted. Selfishness. I need to listen more and pay attention to her, basically notice her more. Codependancy is a problem.

Wife:

 Stop jumping to worst possible conclusion. Holding onto old resentments.  Lack of planning our time together & treating time together as unimportant. 

 
Sessions normally end with  Action Steps but the first week was about getting to know the situation, expectations and hopes.Stay tuned to see how Tim and Tina did the work and are enjoying each other – as best friends and lovers.

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What is Engagement Coaching?

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Engagement coaching is more than pre-marital coaching.  It can include sessions with the wedding party and sessions with the future in-laws.

Engagement coaching is somewhat different than pre-marital counseling in that we spend the majority of  time determining the kind of marriage you want to create, then focus on how to make that happen.  We will acknowledge your experiences as children and the models you each grew up with, but recognize that you have the choice to create something similar to what you experienced, something completely different or something somewhere in between.  We will talk about building healthy marriage habits, his needs/her needs, the idea of parenting, dealing with in-laws and a lot more!

Many a couple has regrets about their wedding and/or the  surrounding events.  Excellent communication will often keep this from happening.
The coaching  sessions with the wedding party will give you the opportunity to share with your friends the vision you have for your special day and the atmosphere you hope, with their help, to create.  You, the bride and groom, can also use these sessions to communicate your expectations to each of the participants you have chosen. It will be a time where they can choose to accept the requests made or discuss them and/or re-negotiate their role.

The sessions with the future mother and father in laws are time to talk about wedding expectations, but more importantly set the tone for a healthy relationship well into the future.
As with all coaching, Engagement Coaching, is tailored to the unique needs and desires of each couple.  

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Tip For Finding Joy in Life and Relationships

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I had so much fun with my cohort Laurie Hardie hanging out, talking and prepping to host ‘Live From Seattle’ that it got me thinking about how much good it does a soul to have fun.  

When I say fun, I just mean doing something enjoyable. Something you look forward to with a smile on your face…. something you want to do and you will be glad you did.

I intended for this post to concentrate on relationships and how fun times together can move us into more rewarding relationships but I have to start with addressing individuals because it takes a healthy person to have a healthy relationship.  That’s not to say Relationship Coaching doesn’t work with unhealthy individuals, it can – it just takes a slightly different approach.  

Depression is very very common. If you struggle with it, here is one simple step that can help. Plan to have fun. I’d suggest planning something little every day, something a little bigger weekly and something really fun at least once a month. If you immediately think ‘I don’t have money so this won’t work for me’, you’re wrong! Learning to enjoy, relish and appreciate the little things helps bring life back to a dark soul. The daily kinds of things might be having a cup of tea with your daughter or taking an indulgently long hot shower after a good workout or dusting off and playing your guitar again. 

Just taking the time to think about and put them on your calendar helps us really be present in the experience and cherish the moments.  Whether or not you have money, if you think you can only have wonderful experiences when your spending money, I want to challenge you to get creative and return to the things that really matter and plan things that take little to no money. Often this very act will help re-frame your thinking and get you back into a place of joy.

Struggling relationships are often revitalized by fun. Playful activities that both parties enjoy can take the edge off  being together. If you are in a really bad place, you might want to be sure that there is not a long car ride involved the first time you try this. The more often you are able to make these enjoyable moments/hours occur the better. Just make sure the activities stay untainted from ugly behavior. What often happens is that the more fun times that are incorporated into the relationship the less tension there is regarding other issues and healthier communication begins to flow. 

Give it a whirl and remember having fun, on a regular basis, does a world of good for a darkened soul!

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What’s Your Perfectionism Prohibiting?

Dr. Brene Brown says perfectionism is a
“way of thinking that seeks to avoid shame, blame and judgement.”

Determining the difference between being a perfectionist and the pure desire for excellence has been a gray and blurry line for me. Isn’t it noble that there are things I have not done at all or have put off until I could “give it more time” because I didn’t want to do it half heartedly! I remember my Sunday school teacher saying  “if a thing is worth doing, it’s worth doing well,” yet, most good things, taken to the extreme, can become a bad things.For me, that good idea crossed the line and  became a bad thing because it kept me from doing things -things I would have enjoyed learning and pursuing. But I didn’t. Because I knew it would take a lot of time and effort to become an expert. What I know now that I didn’t know then is that being an “expert” is as much a mindset as it is knowing the material! haha – I could get on a soapbox here but I will refrain. 🙂

Why not just do some things for pure enjoyment? Oh noooo….. that would be setting myself up for criticism. As Dr. Brene Brown says perfectionism is a “way of thinking that seeks to avoid shame, blame and judgement.”

I’d like to be able to disagree with Dr. Brown. I prefer to think I was a skilled at preserving the confidence I did have – not a perfectionist! But reality says that a perfectionist seeks to avoid criticism therefore, if they can’t do what it takes to do something perfectly or at least very well, they don’t do it at all.

My first Life Coach, Laurie Hardie, jolted me out of my comfort zone and I’ve never been the same. She encouraged me to do things that were risky but so much fun! Since then, I’ve realized that it’s ok to do things just for fun. If I let people know that I’m just doing something for fun it puts me at ease. My expectations for myself change.  I simply expect to have fun.

Please don’t get me wrong, hard work, discipline and life long learning are highly valuable to our well being, but we can’t be experts at everything, so why not let perfection go and enjoy life? It’s a lot more fun!

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Sharing a Note I Wrote to a Couple I’m Coaching

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I’m sharing a portion of a note I sent to clients because I thought  it may be helpful for other couples who are struggling.  Of  course names are changed to protect the identities, and wording changed just slightly.  When I wrote it I had no intention of using it as a blog post. It was written quickly, after a session. It reveals

“First of all, you two are on your way to having a great new season of life. The desire you both have to have a fulfilling relationship is paramount yet it’s coupled with Jan’s determination to strengthen her own character and John, your encouraging support. Unless one of you just rolls over and gives up, refusing to do the work – you are going to come through this with flying colors!!

I understand that dreaming together was a difficult Action Step, though I’m not sorry you did it because it gave me insight as to where your communication struggles are.

One of the first rules of dreaming together (that I obviously did not make clear) is that there is to be no judgement on dreams. The point of dreaming together is to get to know the other’s heart.  Dreams are not plans of action, they are expressions of what makes YOUR heart sing. Therefore, I hope you will not stop dreaming together.

Some may think that because the other’s dreams look very different than their own that they are not meant for each other – and they should go their separate ways – I disagree whole heartedly.  I believe that it is in the overlapping of our dreams that true fulfillment comes. It is when we look at the core of what causes us to dream what we do that we learn to appreciate and value each other’s deepest desires.  It draws us back to that place of loving deeply. Once we do that, overlapping our dreams is not nearly so difficult and incredibly fulfilling.

I would like to see you re-explore the dreams you each laid out.  REMEMBERING these are not plans of action. You each just shared your heart. That was good. If you would now take time to engage in each others dreams that would be great.  Asking each other questions that draw the other out … ie. how do you see your dream as benefitting our marriage?  THEN  after you have each had plenty of time to share your hearts…. go one step farther and by trying to engage in the other’s dream by identifying with something in it.  ie. John might say “I appreciate the fact that you want for me a job that is less draining and, it makes me smile to think you  want to be around me more.  I hope that someday soon we can make this part of your dream a reality.”  –  just find something to identify with and hope for….. And of course Jan, you would do the same regarding John’s dream.  There are more steps but I think for now this is enough.

A big part of this exercise is learning to focus your attention on what is good. This very small thing is absolutely huge in healing your hearts and moving forward.  Truthfully, there have always been, (even when you were dating and first married) many negative things and many differences you could have focussed on, but you chose not to. Somewhere along the line most couple’s focus shifts. We don’t realize it until we’re glued on looking at the negatives.  Fortunately that glue isn’t permanent! We get to choose our focus.”

If you are married and have stopped dreaming together, I  hope this will encourage you to begin dreaming together again and remind us all that we have a choice as to where we place our focus.