Tag: marriage

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Saving Relationships – Step #10 – Do Something Different

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People who have great marriages will tell you that great marriages do not happen with out great effort. It takes creativity, intentionality, persistence and dedication to the process.  It may come naturally to a few, but most of us are acutely, maybe even painfully, aware of the effort it takes.

 


I hate to admit that I am one of those who is acutely and yes, sometimes painfully aware, of the effort I have to make. I’m sure it’s my selfishness and pride that get in the way of a natural, wonderful flow of life with my man but I’m just like everybody else – I get busy and focussed on other things and my marriage becomes a side note, even a bother at times.  I first realized this about myself when I felt relieved when he went out of town. Becoming aware that it was MY lack of effort causing me to feel distant was revolutionary! I finally owned my responsibility in that distance. I couldn’t believe how differently I felt about him when I started putting “us” in a higher priority…. I’d always thought I felt distant because HE wasn’t prioritizing “us.”

I’ve learned that when I take responsibility, my perspective changes greatly. So what to do? How do you change your perspective? Changing what your doing helps.

One of my mottos for life that has served me very well: When something isn’t working – (or isn’t working as well as I’d like) – try something different.

You may have noticed that the Steps in this series do not necessarily build on each other. They are all separate thoughts and ideas and in no particular priority. To make the most of your marriage you may implement each one, but you may not. Relationships are even more unique than individuals because they combine the qualities of 2 people! You know your relationship better than anyone – so note what you’ve been doing, and try something different.

I try to remember what I say….“Be creative, be intentional, be consistent and be persistent. Your dedication to the process, regardless of the initial response, is key to your success.”

One of the reasons Relationship Coaching is so effective is because coaching is tailored specifically to each unique relationship. Coaches have no set agenda or program except to work with you to strengthen your relationship. We enjoy being creative with you in developing an intentional plan of action. What ever path you choose for strengthening your relationship, I hope you will be dedicated, stick with it, and receive the same kind of wonderful blessings the couple I will tell you about in my next series of postings. A true story of transformation.

All the best to you as you put your best efforts into making your marriage great.

Step #10   
Do something different.                                                                                             Be creative, be intentional, be consistent and be persistent.
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Saving Relationships – Step #8 – Confrontation vs. Conversation

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The messages from well meaning leadership gurus on how to develop ourselves as people has been somewhat confusing.

 

We’ve all heard things like:
-Assert yourself or you’ll never get anywhere.
-Don’t avoid conflict 

-When there is a problem confront things head on

– Do what is necessary to get the problem solved


For today, let’s just talk about confrontations.                  In business it is necessary. If you manage people or are interested in growing a business problems must be addressed and corrected. Good leaders know that approaching an issue rather the person’s character produces the best results – the problem gets fixed and no damage is done to the relationship.  Why is it that in families we fail at this?!  I recently had a client whose wife told him that if he treated her like he did his employees they wouldn’t have any problems! How sad, but he agreed it was true.Leaders, like my client, almost always do a little mental prep before they act. . . thinking about what they want the outcome to be and the best approach for the fasted resolve.  They know that getting people’s feelings involved will only draw out the process and make the situation messier.  Therefore they allow time to hear about the situation from the other’s perspective. They listen attentively and help them both stay focussed on the goal. If we could apply this technique with our loved ones we’d all be a lot happier.

Think this approach in marriage (or families) is cold and manipulative? I’d ask you to give it a try.  Attacking someone’s character might feel good in the moment, but it leaves lasting scars and does nothing to help resolve issues.  If you’d like the outcome to be that of harmony -treating each other with respect, listening attentively and staying focussed on the issue at hand is a great approach. So next time you are feeling the need for a confrontation, try confronting the issue but conversing with the person.

What if we reserved the word “confrontation” for how we deal with issues or problematic situations? Maybe by changing our mindset we could more easily have a nice, polite yet beneficial conversation?

Step #8 -Confront Issues – Politely Converse with People

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What is Engagement Coaching?

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Engagement coaching is more than pre-marital coaching.  It can include sessions with the wedding party and sessions with the future in-laws.

Engagement coaching is somewhat different than pre-marital counseling in that we spend the majority of  time determining the kind of marriage you want to create, then focus on how to make that happen.  We will acknowledge your experiences as children and the models you each grew up with, but recognize that you have the choice to create something similar to what you experienced, something completely different or something somewhere in between.  We will talk about building healthy marriage habits, his needs/her needs, the idea of parenting, dealing with in-laws and a lot more!

Many a couple has regrets about their wedding and/or the  surrounding events.  Excellent communication will often keep this from happening.
The coaching  sessions with the wedding party will give you the opportunity to share with your friends the vision you have for your special day and the atmosphere you hope, with their help, to create.  You, the bride and groom, can also use these sessions to communicate your expectations to each of the participants you have chosen. It will be a time where they can choose to accept the requests made or discuss them and/or re-negotiate their role.

The sessions with the future mother and father in laws are time to talk about wedding expectations, but more importantly set the tone for a healthy relationship well into the future.
As with all coaching, Engagement Coaching, is tailored to the unique needs and desires of each couple.  

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Dave & Suzette’s Story

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My husband and I have a healthy marriage, but that has not always been the case.

With our 27th anniversary quickly approaching we’ve had our fair share of ups and downs but two of our downs have been bad – real bad! 
I tell you our story (with permission :)) because: I want you to know that if your marriage isn’t what you want it to be – we can relate! And more importantly, to give you hope.  

Miserable would be a good way to describe us. It lasted a couple of years, back in the mid 90’s. I’m not proud of it, but it was so awful I threatened to leave. I said I didn’t want a divorce but I was leaving unless things changed – immediately. I would not advise this, but I told him that he had less than a week to figure some things out or I was on a plane and would not return until he had. He was shocked but knew I was serious. Things changed. It was a slow process, but once I saw him making an effort my patience was restored. No doubt, I had some changing to do myself but I didn’t know it then. Most of my changing came years later! Poor guy!

The next decade was great. Then it happened again. Who knows what triggered it, but we derailed off a lovely track. We sought help – together. This time it was him who was fearful that we might not make it. We worked hard and both grew individually and as a couple, but it was our individual growth that reignited the romance and fun and provided the strength and security that we had jeopardized. 

After a few months of healing some wounds our sessions stalled out. We began talking about the same things from week to week with no new growth. Dave finally said, “If we are going to continue getting professional help we need to find a coach to help us move from good to great.”  

We didn’t know of any Relationship Coaches back then, so we just decided to apply the skills I’d learned in coaching to ‘us’. It worked so well I wanted to try it out on others and became certified.

Being instrumental in taking relationships from good to great is wonderful but walking hand in hand with couples who are on the court room steps back to the arms of a loving spouse is more fulfilling than any job I can imagine. 

The end of our story to date is …..  “and they lived happily ever after.” 

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Joe & Carri #7 – Going Deeper

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Joe was an adventurer who loved life and enjoyed travelling  the world. He loved freedom, she loved the security of home. Carri had become bitter because she felt as though she always acquiesced to his desires.

By continuing to dream together they cast of vision of what they wanted their future to look like. In the process, Carri realized that she still admired Joe’s adventuresome spirit and would probably enjoy sharing in Joe’s dreams of  “living in a distant land for a greater cause” if they maintained a place they considered “home.”  Finding common ground was very helpful!

After establishing some good will toward one another, Carri took a big leap. She decided to share her journals with both Joe and me. They told the story of her resentment about moving out of the country, the depths of her depression while away, and the beginning of her growth journey -which began after she left Joe. She was very hesitant, but knew that if they were ever going to reconnect there would be risk involved. There were many things Joe could have taken offense at, but he didn’t. He wanted to talk through it and hear her heart. He wanted to get to know the woman he’d been  married to for 28 years, and was willing to listen and try to understand without being defensive.

There were still some huge obstacles. Joe was happy Carri was getting stronger, but didn’t know how to handle the time apart. He was terribly lonely and needed to find a way to cope. He said he was committed to the process but worried that he would fall into old patterns.