Tag: relationship coaching

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Joe & Carri #8 – Closer to Home

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Joe began the session by announcing that his job transfer request was granted, and his move back to the states was already scheduled. It would be several weeks, but the process was in motion. His move would not take him back to Carri, but it would get him much closer to home – on a temporary assignment.

Carri was nervous. Joe loved being overseas. She didn’t want him to give up his dream on her account. She didn’t want to be blamed if things didn’t work out.  With a little effort, she was able to relax by realizing that Joe was solely responsible for his decision, but with the added pressure of him being state-side, she felt it necessary to make it quite clear that she was not ready to be reunited – at least not permanently. Even so, this turn of events pushed them to deeper levels.

Joe accused Carri of doing very well without him and made sure she knew he was dying inside. She affirmed that she was doing better because she was no longer in the depths of depression, but firmly asserted she was NOT doing well. She missed him and hated having to do everything by herself. She started to say she would give anything to be together again but changed it to – she would (and was doing) anything and everything to make being together again better.

Though they were not ready to determine when or how they could make life together work, they decided they needed to know what non-negotiable the other would demand for it to ever be a possibility. Interestingly, this ended up  mostly being a reiteration of the vision they had already cast.

Once again, they realized their goals largely overlapped. He stressed that he wanted to be in a relationship where both parties put a high value on the relationship and she said she wanted to be in a relationship where both parties fully engaged with each other. Hmmm, sounded to me like their ideas weren’t too far apart. Upon further exploration they agreed!

Suddenly Joe began to rant, We’ve painted ourselves into a corner and  have no place to go. I need assurance that this is temporary. I don’t want this to go on for years.  I want us to be together so we CAN work on things. I need assurance we aren’t going to end up like Mike and Sally – apart for 9 years.

Carri quickly assured him she didn’t want to end up like Mike and Sally either. She wanted healing, restoration and new strength. She wanted to be healthy, happy and loving and she wanted to be married to a happy, healthy loving man so they could have a healthy happy, loving relationship. She said she needed reassurance too. So they decided to, as an Action Step, contact each other daily to specifically assure the other of this desire.

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Joe & Carri #7 – Going Deeper

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Joe was an adventurer who loved life and enjoyed travelling  the world. He loved freedom, she loved the security of home. Carri had become bitter because she felt as though she always acquiesced to his desires.

By continuing to dream together they cast of vision of what they wanted their future to look like. In the process, Carri realized that she still admired Joe’s adventuresome spirit and would probably enjoy sharing in Joe’s dreams of  “living in a distant land for a greater cause” if they maintained a place they considered “home.”  Finding common ground was very helpful!

After establishing some good will toward one another, Carri took a big leap. She decided to share her journals with both Joe and me. They told the story of her resentment about moving out of the country, the depths of her depression while away, and the beginning of her growth journey -which began after she left Joe. She was very hesitant, but knew that if they were ever going to reconnect there would be risk involved. There were many things Joe could have taken offense at, but he didn’t. He wanted to talk through it and hear her heart. He wanted to get to know the woman he’d been  married to for 28 years, and was willing to listen and try to understand without being defensive.

There were still some huge obstacles. Joe was happy Carri was getting stronger, but didn’t know how to handle the time apart. He was terribly lonely and needed to find a way to cope. He said he was committed to the process but worried that he would fall into old patterns.

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Joe & Carri #6 – Leaping Forward

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Carri began by admitting she wanted to change the way she was thinking. For so long she had believed that she had to be a certain way in order for Joe to like her. It was hard for her to let go and just be herself. She wanted to have the confidence to be herself whether or not it was met with approval, but it made her feel rebellious. 

Carri was beginning to recognize her own behavior patterns. She’d always gone along with whatever Joe had wanted, denying herself the right to have an opinion and honestly believing she didn’t have one.  

Readdressing their individual dreams was great practice. Carri knew her dreams were just as valid as Joe’s, and she got to practice articulating why and how they could be good for their marriage. His dreams were still short term and that was fine, she was willing to accept his desire to dream about the here and now. 

Joe, did exactly what all coaches hope their clients will do. He began taking giant leaps towards making his dreams come true. He wanted so badly to be reunited with his wife, but two things were standing in the way. 1) He lived and worked on the other side of the world. 2) Carri wasn’t ready.

He couldn’t do a lot about changing Carri’s timing, but he could begin the process of seeking a job transfer. By the end of the week – he was doing just that! 

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Joe & Carri #5 – Dreaming Kibosh

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Both Joe and Carri were determined to create a better future. They hoped it would be together but they were separated and there were no guarantees.  After quite a few sessions they were beginning to believe each other when they said I want “us” to make it. “I want you to be the one I grow old with.”

Without vision for a better future we repeat the past.  They didn’t want that to happen! It was time to begin dreaming of a wonderful restoration and of a marriage that was better than ever before. They each wrote out their ideas of an ideal future together then shared via Skype. Joe focused in on the short term. He was aching for a plan of  reconciliation so he dreamed of how it might unfold. Carri was thinking long term and dreamed of  long term things – like her ideal place to live. It did not go well! He was hurt because her ideal place to live happily ever after was not somewhere he ever wanted to live again! She was hurt because she risked sharing her inmost desires. Wasn’t that what they were supposed to do?

After talking through how they could have responded to each other in a more positive way they decided to give it another shot with a few ground rules in place. I summarized what we’d talked about in an email. This is what I said: “I would like to see you re-explore the dreams you each laid out.  REMEMBERING these are not plans of action. You each just shared your heart. That was good. If you would now take time to engage in each others dreams that would be great.  Asking each other questions that draw the other out and show your interest in them! … ie. how do you see your dream as benefitting our marriage? THEN  after you have each had plenty of time to share your hearts, go one step farther. Try to engage in the other’s dream by identifying with something in it.  ie. Joe might say “I appreciate the fact that you want for me, a job that is less draining and it makes me smile to think you want to be around me more.  I hope that someday soon we can make this part of your dream a reality.”  Just find something to identify with….. And of course Carri would do the same regarding Joe’s dream. If that is not enough to do this week 🙂 Carri came up with an Action Step that pertains to what you asked for Joe, in your Skype conversation – that is dealing with the responsibilities of life.  She said, “I want us to be able to discuss money issues. I think we need to set some ground rules about how to do that, then develop a plan for dealing with our finances.”  I said that’s a great idea, but talking about it and putting it into action are two different things.  So my challenge is – Talk about it then… Put it into action. As you know, I’m praying for you! 🙂 HAVE A GREAT WEEK!

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Joe & Carri #3 – Hurting but Hopeful

CFWL-Without YouDuring the first call, the consultation, we interviewed each other to be sure our values and purposes aligned well enough. While our core beliefs differ, our experiences, intentions and purposes tracked well and we agreed that working together had good potential.

The next session is what I call an ‘intake session’ where I learn more about them and their story as well as their hopes and dreams for the future then we quickly move into high gear. I asked them to keep a notebook so they could track their progress.

The session started with Joe saying, “I wish we’d left well enough alone. We were 2 steps ahead after we talked with you, now we’re 10 steps back.” Not a great start! He was experiencing overwhelming loneliness and realizing that restoration, if it was going to happen at all, was going to be “a very long haul.” He didn’t want to sign up for that! He knew from past experiences his tolerance for waiting was short lived.

He was frustrated because he knew he wanted “deeper intimacy” and wasn’t sure she had the same desire – probably because of her bold move to leave him alone in a foreign land!

She insisted that her bold move was in an effort to bring about an intimacy that had been long lost. He just couldn’t buy it. He did not fully trust her intentions but she did want to seek help . . . .

My services are not cheap, I don’t offer refunds and I expect 100% effort to be put into the relationship during the time we work together. They’d both agreed to that when they bought the 24 week package. He was committed to staying engaged as long as he was sure Carri was choosing him because she wanted to be married to him and have a deeply connected and wonderful relationship. He wanted her to feel free to make choices that she felt were in her best interest. He never again wanted to find out that she felt trapped!

Carri had already made her escape and was firm in stating she would not return to the relationship as it was. She wanted a re-start. She wanted the love, romance and friendship they’d experienced way back when. And she wanted a partner who took great interest in their children. She admitted that she’d allowed the kids to come between them. She didn’t want that. She wanted the kids to have a father figure they would someday want to model – a man who invested himself, selflessly into their lives. Couldn’t the children act as a bonding agent for their relationship?

Carri wanted desperately to be in love again, but she was going to have to convince him she really wanted him. She really wanted him to change, but knew that he would only change when he wanted to. So she invested herself in a lot of personal growth stuff. She knew changing herself was all she could control.

Their emails, calls and Skype sessions since she’d left had been very difficult. They only talked about business matters, logistics and such. Anything of a sensitive nature was not discussed, mostly because Carri would not express herself. Joe was a strong personality and she had shut down. Part of our coaching revolved around her finding the courage to open back up.

They both spoke briefly about how very difficult it was to be apart but Joe was really struggling. I asked, “How would it help to know what she’s been experiencing?” He thought that it might be the assurance he needed to know that it was going to be worth the effort, and the wait! He had made some regrettable decisions in the past because of his impatience and didn’t want that to happen again.

Because of Carri’s difficulty expressing herself, I asked how she could be prepared to talk about her feelings with Joe. She decided to make some notes before their call.

It was a slow start but we all left the call hopeful.