Tag: relationships

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The Work it Took – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #9

After 6 months of Tim & Tina were beginning to have trouble knowing what else they wanted to change. We began a session by recounting the work they had done so far.  Their marriage was all but over when we began, but with work, these things had changed:

  • Mutual respect when communicating – being as polite with each other as with a friend
  • Communicating in general – recognizing old patterns quickly and stopping them, keeping the dust devils from turning into tornadoes
  • Forgiveness for wounds from the past
  • The ability to shift the focus from negative to positive  
  • Non sexual affection
  • Verbalizing admiration and appreciation
  • Reviving Intimacy
  • Recognizing triggers and being respectful 
  • Allowing the other to have their own emotions without taking them on personally
  • Planning ahead for stressful situations
  • Parenting
  • The desire to have a legacy of a good marriage 
  • Keeping God’s truths at the center of the relationship 

7323549After talking about how far they’d come, Tim confessed, “I have some forgiving to do as well.  It’s frustrating that Tina has lost faith in my words but I know I caused a lot of pain in our relationship which caused her to act in certain ways. I have to forgive you Tina for holding onto that pain too long and I have to forgive me – that’s even harder. I want this marriage more than anything else in life but it’s caused more pain than anything. I want nothing more than to give. I’ve felt convicted of my own part in this and I realize it takes action and it takes time.  Maybe most importantly, it takes consistency on my part. That’s what I want to be about.”

It was nice for Tina to be able to be the support person. She was ecstatic to see his determination and commitment to be faithful to the work of creating a great marriage. They were both aware that the work would never end, but it was getting much easier. It was a work they were beginning to enjoy. It seemed so good! Tina certainly wasn’t prepared for the big let down that was about to drop.

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Loss of Job & Death of Dream? – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #8

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Letting a dream die doesn’t sound like something a coach would want for a client, and I don’t.  Fantasies on the other hand can damage our psyche and ruin relationships. When we allow our minds to dwell on “…imagining things that are impossible…”  (wikipedia) we can stifle dreams that could be realities.

The death of Tina’s prince charming was the death of a fantasy – a fantasy she’d entertained since childhood. While I encourage young women to have high standards for the man they plan to spend the rest of their lives with, the suitor is in dangerous territory if the young lady holds her prince charming fantasy as her standard.  Tina had done just that.

In the process of working to forgive, Tina realized what she’d done and determined that she wanted to love Tim for who he was, and let go of the fantasy. She longed to be loved for who she was, so why had she not realized that he wanted and deserved the same? The death of her idealized prince charming freed her to love Tim more deeply than ever! Their dreams of a wonderful life together would now be possible.

Tim was suddenly let go from his job.  He was a big wig – a top performer in the nation, but as happens all too often, he was cut when his company was bought out. The loss of a job can be devastating to a relationship but for them, it only caused a bump in the road.

Tim needed (or thought he needed) a pity party and a crutch.  Tina handled the pity party pretty well – she even joined him at the party, but she didn’t find out about the crutch until later. Tim’s struggle with self loathing came back with a vengeance – for a few days. By the grace of God, he said, it didn’t last long.

There is more to this blog series, but I want you to know. . .  . Our coaching package ended a few months ago and to this day, Tim is unemployed. To my delight, they let me know they are still doing well. They’ve had some rough spots, but I assured them they always would! 🙂

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Hope For Our Future – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #6

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“It hasn’t been easy,” Tina said, “but I’m not heartbroken and I don’t feel that awful sense of rejection anymore.  We are addressing every part, spiritual, emotional and physical. He’s owning his part and I actually believe him. We’ve had some very painful weeks, but not without it’s reward.   Tim immediately said, “I echo that.”

 

Wow! I was so thankful that they were seeing and feeling the progress they’d made.


Tina was still suffering some serious sadness and having difficulty being vulnerable.

She was so afraid that he would revert to his old ways. Amazingly, she was now able to express her doubts and be heard without Tim taking on the guilt that used to send him into a downward spiral. She needed to process her feelings out loud.  With conscious effort he had become strong enough and wise enough to do his part well. . .  just listen and offer the support she had desperately desired for years.

What a blessed relief it was for Tim to finally realize that what she wanted was far easier than what he thought he needed to give! He really didn’t have to fix it.

He was discovering that expressing his thoughts, even when he was tempted to shut down was beneficial. He had assumed that Tina was not capable of hearing his heart and was delighted to find that when she felt his support, she reciprocated very well, treasuring the depths of his heart.  After 15 long hard years they were connecting with each other on a deep level.

Tina voiced her conviction, “God is forcing me, or maybe just asking me, to grow up. My happiness cannot rely on Tim.”  Bummer! She couldn’t use him as an excuse anymore. She knew that there would be seasons in life where he wouldn’t be on his behavior and because of that realized the importance of learning to guard her heart.

The freedom she found was empowering! By taking full responsibility for herself she could draw closer to Tim without fear.

Their hearts were connecting and so it was time for more than that. Both expressed fear about reconnecting intimately. It was a healthy conversation for Tim and Tina albeit a bit weird for me! I felt like a sex therapist. I managed to talk them through it and they were none the wiser that my face was flushed! (All of our coaching was via conference calls.) Give me a break – I didn’t get training for this and the depth of the topic was quite a surprise, but I did it and it helped them tremendously. The good new is, they did it! ha 🙂

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Firing My Clients – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #5

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Since day one Tina had been saying she needed to forgive Tim. He was making huge leaps in the right direction in how he treated her and she was delighted! On one hand she was delighted yet on the other she held onto bitter resentment.

We were months into coaching and had talked a lot about the need for forgiveness yet Tina continued to refuse. She just wasn’t ready, she would say. She was well aware that forgiveness cannot be earned – it is granted, and she would grant it when she was good and ready! After many (maybe 12?) sessions and continued refusal, I told them that we needed to take a break from coaching but that I would be happy to resume when she was ready to start the work. We had made a lot of progress but this issue would prevent them from real connection, so I didn’t want them to waste their time and money.

Tina begged, pleaded and cried, and promised to do whatever it took to start the process of forgiveness. They both felt like God was using coaching to save their marriage. They insisted that they had made such huge strides. I agreed, however, without a willingness to let go of bitter resentments real change could not happen. I was thrilled to hear Tina say she was ready to start the work.

So what did the work of forgiveness look like? I suggested we not focus on the hurts that needed forgiving but on what life would look if she had forgiven. She created and described the scenario. It seemed too good to be true.  .  .

It would be easy for her to accept Tim’s affectionate gestures. She would be more loving, have more joy, more patience, more understanding and more gratitude. She would be optimistic and look forward to spending the rest of her life with Tim. It sounded great but could she ever really feel this way? It was time to get practical. What kind of baby steps would she take?

Because of Tim’s huge step in the right direction, Tina felt he deserved to be back in the bedroom. The testosterone shots made him feel a little more aggressive which was an asset both at work and at home, but he was still not feeling frisky! That was ok with Tina for now. She would let him come around at his own pace. She decided it would be fun if they took it slow – pretending they were dating at first. Tim liked the idea because he would be free from pressure.

Huge obstacles were being overcome and life was getting better! Tim had given up self loathing and was taking care of his medical issue that had negatively impacted their marriage. They were communicating more authentically. She was getting in touch with her emotions and doing better with her tone of voice. They had learned to change the dance mid stream when a discussion started heading south and now Tina was dedicated to forgiveness.  A lot had been accomplished but there was still a lot to come!

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Confessions & Epiphanies – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #4

Everyone thought Tim’s addiction problem was a thing of the past – even Tim. It had been more than a decade since he’d had a drink but suddenly he was aware of a new addiction. Self loathing had taken the place of alcohol. He used to sit in the back yard and drink and cry. It felt good to let it all out. Without the alcohol he didn’t cry much anymore but boy could he throw a good pity party! Getting healthy would mean he couldn’t attend those daily parties anymore.  He too was having an identity crisis.

Tina was sick of it. She was glad he was having an epiphany but thought, “it’s about time!” She thought, “I’ve been doing all the work.”  She hadn’t tackled forgiveness yet, but she still wasn’t ready. She needed him to suffer a little more and she wanted a guarantee that if she did forgive him, he would not hurt her again. Well aware that it was his choice as to whether or not to put in the effort she decided to sit back and wait for him to make a move. A little more patience wouldn’t kill her.

They both knew that a big move in the right direction would be for Tim to see a doctor to find out just how low his testosterone was. They were aware it had been a little low, but years had passed and his complete lack of interest in sex just seemed odd. Tina had always taken good care of herself – she’s a beautiful woman. They agreed she had put in more effort since we started coaching and it was time for him to step it up.

He made an appointment and whoa! No wonder they were having trouble! He needed shots. Fear increased – not because he was afraid of needles. Tim was afraid of becoming healthy! Fortunately love overpowered fear and he began getting the injections.

Tina’s faith was sustaining her. She was becoming stronger by focussing on how God was empowering her. Tim’s heart was changing too. The sermon that week was “co-incidentally” about how God doesn’t promise an easy life but does give us the ability to choose joy and have internal peace.  This one hit home in a big way. He listened to it repeatedly and determined to put self loathing behind him.

ACTION STEPS
Tina 
– be more gracious in accepting gestures of affection
– decide what it would take to forgive Tim
Tim 
– follow through with doctors
– stop self loathing-notice when it creeps up and reject it
– continue to be affectionate