Tag: saving

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Saving Relationships – Step #10 – Do Something Different

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People who have great marriages will tell you that great marriages do not happen with out great effort. It takes creativity, intentionality, persistence and dedication to the process.  It may come naturally to a few, but most of us are acutely, maybe even painfully, aware of the effort it takes.

 


I hate to admit that I am one of those who is acutely and yes, sometimes painfully aware, of the effort I have to make. I’m sure it’s my selfishness and pride that get in the way of a natural, wonderful flow of life with my man but I’m just like everybody else – I get busy and focussed on other things and my marriage becomes a side note, even a bother at times.  I first realized this about myself when I felt relieved when he went out of town. Becoming aware that it was MY lack of effort causing me to feel distant was revolutionary! I finally owned my responsibility in that distance. I couldn’t believe how differently I felt about him when I started putting “us” in a higher priority…. I’d always thought I felt distant because HE wasn’t prioritizing “us.”

I’ve learned that when I take responsibility, my perspective changes greatly. So what to do? How do you change your perspective? Changing what your doing helps.

One of my mottos for life that has served me very well: When something isn’t working – (or isn’t working as well as I’d like) – try something different.

You may have noticed that the Steps in this series do not necessarily build on each other. They are all separate thoughts and ideas and in no particular priority. To make the most of your marriage you may implement each one, but you may not. Relationships are even more unique than individuals because they combine the qualities of 2 people! You know your relationship better than anyone – so note what you’ve been doing, and try something different.

I try to remember what I say….“Be creative, be intentional, be consistent and be persistent. Your dedication to the process, regardless of the initial response, is key to your success.”

One of the reasons Relationship Coaching is so effective is because coaching is tailored specifically to each unique relationship. Coaches have no set agenda or program except to work with you to strengthen your relationship. We enjoy being creative with you in developing an intentional plan of action. What ever path you choose for strengthening your relationship, I hope you will be dedicated, stick with it, and receive the same kind of wonderful blessings the couple I will tell you about in my next series of postings. A true story of transformation.

All the best to you as you put your best efforts into making your marriage great.

Step #10   
Do something different.                                                                                             Be creative, be intentional, be consistent and be persistent.
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Saving Relationships – Step #4 – A Lesson From Rex

9370959We have a dog. His name is Rex. Something we’ve noticed over the years is how he is happiest to be with the one who has been giving him the most attention. 

No duh! He knows that I am the one who takes care of his needs most of the time, so I am in the alpha position and he is always loyal to me, but when I am too busy to be bothered with petting or playing with him, he doesn’t come running when I arrive home. He prefers the company of the one who gives him what he wants – not what he needs.

Maybe a good petting and a round of frisbee won’t do the trick, so think hard, what is it? What did you used to do for them that made them feel on top of the world?  Was it affirmation?

*It’s amazing what a few kind, meaningful words do for a person!

*Maybe you used to surprise them with little gifts?

*How about a little act of service that you know they’d appreciate.

*Likely your relationship thrived on the giving of your undivided attention on a regular basis and don’t forget those loving gestures of affection.

If your spouse isn’t all that interested in creating an awesome marriage – try going it alone. Some things are contagious! And who knows, you may end up reaping what you sow before too long.

If it’s been a while since you’ve cared enough to invest yourself in your marriage, just take one a day and make it simple. For instance:

*Monday -tell them what it is about them that makes      
   you proud -make it short and sweet

*Tuesday -drop by their office with their favorite drink

 *Wednesday  fill up their car with gas

 *Thursday -ask them about something they like to talk 
   about and REALLY listen

 *Friday -oops this one doesn’t work once a week – non 
   sexual affection is a daily thing   (see Saving   
   Relationships – Step #2 for more on this)

True words of affirmation, unexpected gifts that they like, acts of service (especially things they don’t enjoy doing),  really being heard and affection with no expectation – these are things every person on the planet earth desires.

PLEASE, please please do not use the daily plan as a formula. Be creative, be intentional, be consistent and be persistent. Your dedication to the process, regardless of the initial response, is key to your success.

Step #4 – A Lesson From Rex: Give ‘em What They Want

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The Work it Took – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #9

After 6 months of Tim & Tina were beginning to have trouble knowing what else they wanted to change. We began a session by recounting the work they had done so far.  Their marriage was all but over when we began, but with work, these things had changed:

  • Mutual respect when communicating – being as polite with each other as with a friend
  • Communicating in general – recognizing old patterns quickly and stopping them, keeping the dust devils from turning into tornadoes
  • Forgiveness for wounds from the past
  • The ability to shift the focus from negative to positive  
  • Non sexual affection
  • Verbalizing admiration and appreciation
  • Reviving Intimacy
  • Recognizing triggers and being respectful 
  • Allowing the other to have their own emotions without taking them on personally
  • Planning ahead for stressful situations
  • Parenting
  • The desire to have a legacy of a good marriage 
  • Keeping God’s truths at the center of the relationship 

7323549After talking about how far they’d come, Tim confessed, “I have some forgiving to do as well.  It’s frustrating that Tina has lost faith in my words but I know I caused a lot of pain in our relationship which caused her to act in certain ways. I have to forgive you Tina for holding onto that pain too long and I have to forgive me – that’s even harder. I want this marriage more than anything else in life but it’s caused more pain than anything. I want nothing more than to give. I’ve felt convicted of my own part in this and I realize it takes action and it takes time.  Maybe most importantly, it takes consistency on my part. That’s what I want to be about.”

It was nice for Tina to be able to be the support person. She was ecstatic to see his determination and commitment to be faithful to the work of creating a great marriage. They were both aware that the work would never end, but it was getting much easier. It was a work they were beginning to enjoy. It seemed so good! Tina certainly wasn’t prepared for the big let down that was about to drop.

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Disillusioned & Distant – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #1

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Tim and Tina’s story is told with their permission. Names have been changed to protect their privacy, however, if you are seriously considering coaching they would be happy to talk to you about their experience. While this blog is intended to inspire you to do whatever it takes to get your marriage healthy, not to “sell” coaching, I am delighted to help people who are ready to do the work.  If you would like to speak with Tim and/or Tina, contact me and I will facilitate your connection. 
Tim and Tina were never really happy.  For most of their 15 years they had communicated with harsh words and escalated volumes.  Of course there were the civil conversations too, but as often as not, there was fighting.As with many couples they did not have children immediately.  Having Tessa, after 9 years, created a sense of purpose for them which was wonderful but short lived.  Soon they realized they were back in the same old patterns with a little one absorbing every harsh word. They noticed that even before she could understand the words her mood could be affected for hours, even days after they’d had a screaming match.

Even so, they stayed together because their core belief was that marriage is for life.

By the time they contacted me their core belief was so battered and bruised by the emotional trauma they were suffering on a daily basis that Tim had begun looking for apartments.  Tina had kicked him out of the bedroom months earlier and they had not been intimate for years.  Their turn around has truly been miraculous!

 

The (really rough) notes below are from our very first session. As you can imagine, during their first session, they were guarded with their answers, so magnify them about 80% and you’ll get a real feel for where we were starting! 
As you contemplate working with a coach, what results would you like to achieve?Tim: Better communication skills. Understanding how Tina thinks. How to avoid letting the small stuff brewing into a much larger blow out.

Tina: A feeling of working together as a team towards our goals.  Rebuilt trust. I would like to feel loved, cherished, appreciated and sexy in my husband’s eyes.  I would like to stop being such a bitch all the time and let go of debilitating insecurities.  I want a clear picture of what our future looks like together – know that it’s worth this effort.

Imagine that you have been successful in accomplishing your goals in coaching. How will your relationship be different than it is now?

Tim: We would be a team. Loving, caring, completely trusting each other, comfortable with being vulnerable and having a partnership that can’t be broken. She would live in my heart and I would cleave to her. (sappy, but that’s what he said! :))

Tina: I would respect my husband again and he, me.  I would trust my husband with decisions regarding our household affairs.  I would have stopped having to second guess what my husband really thinks and feels.  There would be enough trust in our relationship to be able to speak truth knowing we have each other’s best interest at heart.  My husband and I would use sex as a way of expressing our deep and devoted love for one another. We would engage in family activities together and enjoy it.

What habits/activities/thought processes do you need to drop, simplify or let go of, in order to achieve those results?

Tim: Pride and taking her for granted. Selfishness. I need to listen more and pay attention to her, basically notice her more. Codependancy is a problem.

Wife:

 Stop jumping to worst possible conclusion. Holding onto old resentments.  Lack of planning our time together & treating time together as unimportant. 

 
Sessions normally end with  Action Steps but the first week was about getting to know the situation, expectations and hopes.Stay tuned to see how Tim and Tina did the work and are enjoying each other – as best friends and lovers.

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Joe & Carri #8 – Closer to Home

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Joe began the session by announcing that his job transfer request was granted, and his move back to the states was already scheduled. It would be several weeks, but the process was in motion. His move would not take him back to Carri, but it would get him much closer to home – on a temporary assignment.

Carri was nervous. Joe loved being overseas. She didn’t want him to give up his dream on her account. She didn’t want to be blamed if things didn’t work out.  With a little effort, she was able to relax by realizing that Joe was solely responsible for his decision, but with the added pressure of him being state-side, she felt it necessary to make it quite clear that she was not ready to be reunited – at least not permanently. Even so, this turn of events pushed them to deeper levels.

Joe accused Carri of doing very well without him and made sure she knew he was dying inside. She affirmed that she was doing better because she was no longer in the depths of depression, but firmly asserted she was NOT doing well. She missed him and hated having to do everything by herself. She started to say she would give anything to be together again but changed it to – she would (and was doing) anything and everything to make being together again better.

Though they were not ready to determine when or how they could make life together work, they decided they needed to know what non-negotiable the other would demand for it to ever be a possibility. Interestingly, this ended up  mostly being a reiteration of the vision they had already cast.

Once again, they realized their goals largely overlapped. He stressed that he wanted to be in a relationship where both parties put a high value on the relationship and she said she wanted to be in a relationship where both parties fully engaged with each other. Hmmm, sounded to me like their ideas weren’t too far apart. Upon further exploration they agreed!

Suddenly Joe began to rant, We’ve painted ourselves into a corner and  have no place to go. I need assurance that this is temporary. I don’t want this to go on for years.  I want us to be together so we CAN work on things. I need assurance we aren’t going to end up like Mike and Sally – apart for 9 years.

Carri quickly assured him she didn’t want to end up like Mike and Sally either. She wanted healing, restoration and new strength. She wanted to be healthy, happy and loving and she wanted to be married to a happy, healthy loving man so they could have a healthy happy, loving relationship. She said she needed reassurance too. So they decided to, as an Action Step, contact each other daily to specifically assure the other of this desire.