Tag: trust

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Betrayal = Emergency Call – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #10

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Late one evening my phone rang. I recognized the number so I answered. Tim and Tina were both on the line. “I feel so betrayed!” Tina sobbed.  My mind raced.

She couldn’t speak so Tim blurted out, “I started smoking again. I haven’t smoked in years, but I don’t know…. losing my job- yeah, well she caught me”  pause “and this is exactly why I keep things from her!!!”

 

Tina gained composure (sort of) and shared about how well they’d been doing but this was a “big fat lie and she was not going to live with a liar!“  She cried but continued, “If only he’d been honest things would be so different!  He could have just told me – that would have been so much better.”  Tim didn’t buy it. Until now, Tim said he honestly thought that hiding this embarrassing habit was protecting everyone. He certainly didn’t want their little girl Tessa to know!

Tina admitted that over reacting was sometimes an issue. Flippantly I challenged her to think about what her reaction would have been had he simply announced that he had resumed this nasty habit.  It was an unexpected call and I’m not sure I was on my best game as a coach, but we worked through it and then worked on a plan for creating a safe place for all things, good and bad, to be shared.

The next morning I got a “Spot Call” from Tina.  I told her I thought I’d been a little hard on her, but she wouldn’t hear it. She told me she needed to be challenged. Phew! She said that they talked about their plan for dealing with similar situations in the future.  He vowed to take the risk.  In the future he would tell her he was going to be vulnerable despite his fears. She vowed that upon hearing these words she would listen and respond appropriately.

Next week I’ll wrap up Tim and Tina’s story with a couple of final issues we dealt with. Then their testimonies! Can’t wait for those 🙂

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Firing My Clients – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #5

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Since day one Tina had been saying she needed to forgive Tim. He was making huge leaps in the right direction in how he treated her and she was delighted! On one hand she was delighted yet on the other she held onto bitter resentment.

We were months into coaching and had talked a lot about the need for forgiveness yet Tina continued to refuse. She just wasn’t ready, she would say. She was well aware that forgiveness cannot be earned – it is granted, and she would grant it when she was good and ready! After many (maybe 12?) sessions and continued refusal, I told them that we needed to take a break from coaching but that I would be happy to resume when she was ready to start the work. We had made a lot of progress but this issue would prevent them from real connection, so I didn’t want them to waste their time and money.

Tina begged, pleaded and cried, and promised to do whatever it took to start the process of forgiveness. They both felt like God was using coaching to save their marriage. They insisted that they had made such huge strides. I agreed, however, without a willingness to let go of bitter resentments real change could not happen. I was thrilled to hear Tina say she was ready to start the work.

So what did the work of forgiveness look like? I suggested we not focus on the hurts that needed forgiving but on what life would look if she had forgiven. She created and described the scenario. It seemed too good to be true.  .  .

It would be easy for her to accept Tim’s affectionate gestures. She would be more loving, have more joy, more patience, more understanding and more gratitude. She would be optimistic and look forward to spending the rest of her life with Tim. It sounded great but could she ever really feel this way? It was time to get practical. What kind of baby steps would she take?

Because of Tim’s huge step in the right direction, Tina felt he deserved to be back in the bedroom. The testosterone shots made him feel a little more aggressive which was an asset both at work and at home, but he was still not feeling frisky! That was ok with Tina for now. She would let him come around at his own pace. She decided it would be fun if they took it slow – pretending they were dating at first. Tim liked the idea because he would be free from pressure.

Huge obstacles were being overcome and life was getting better! Tim had given up self loathing and was taking care of his medical issue that had negatively impacted their marriage. They were communicating more authentically. She was getting in touch with her emotions and doing better with her tone of voice. They had learned to change the dance mid stream when a discussion started heading south and now Tina was dedicated to forgiveness.  A lot had been accomplished but there was still a lot to come!

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Confessions & Epiphanies – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #4

Everyone thought Tim’s addiction problem was a thing of the past – even Tim. It had been more than a decade since he’d had a drink but suddenly he was aware of a new addiction. Self loathing had taken the place of alcohol. He used to sit in the back yard and drink and cry. It felt good to let it all out. Without the alcohol he didn’t cry much anymore but boy could he throw a good pity party! Getting healthy would mean he couldn’t attend those daily parties anymore.  He too was having an identity crisis.

Tina was sick of it. She was glad he was having an epiphany but thought, “it’s about time!” She thought, “I’ve been doing all the work.”  She hadn’t tackled forgiveness yet, but she still wasn’t ready. She needed him to suffer a little more and she wanted a guarantee that if she did forgive him, he would not hurt her again. Well aware that it was his choice as to whether or not to put in the effort she decided to sit back and wait for him to make a move. A little more patience wouldn’t kill her.

They both knew that a big move in the right direction would be for Tim to see a doctor to find out just how low his testosterone was. They were aware it had been a little low, but years had passed and his complete lack of interest in sex just seemed odd. Tina had always taken good care of herself – she’s a beautiful woman. They agreed she had put in more effort since we started coaching and it was time for him to step it up.

He made an appointment and whoa! No wonder they were having trouble! He needed shots. Fear increased – not because he was afraid of needles. Tim was afraid of becoming healthy! Fortunately love overpowered fear and he began getting the injections.

Tina’s faith was sustaining her. She was becoming stronger by focussing on how God was empowering her. Tim’s heart was changing too. The sermon that week was “co-incidentally” about how God doesn’t promise an easy life but does give us the ability to choose joy and have internal peace.  This one hit home in a big way. He listened to it repeatedly and determined to put self loathing behind him.

ACTION STEPS
Tina 
– be more gracious in accepting gestures of affection
– decide what it would take to forgive Tim
Tim 
– follow through with doctors
– stop self loathing-notice when it creeps up and reject it
– continue to be affectionate

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Please Don’t Kiss Me!! – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #2

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Tim and Tina’s story is told with their permission. Names have been changed to protect their privacy, however, if you are seriously considering coaching they would be happy to talk to you about their experience. While this blog is intended to inspire you to do whatever it takes to get your marriage healthy, not to “sell” coaching, I am delighted to help people who are ready to do the work.  If you would like to speak with Tim and/or Tina, contact me and I will facilitate your connection. 
Some of Tina’s greatest obstacles were anger, forgiveness, and trust. She knew they were detrimental to her relationship with Tim, but she held them very tightly, because you know what? – she had a right!!  They were legitimate!! To experience peace she knew she’d have to let them go but that was scary because part of her identity was wrapped up in these deep seeded feelings and emotions.  As long as she could remember she’d been controlled by her emotions.  Before Tim, she faced the same issues with her father.  Later, they bled into her life with her husband.  She longed for a happier life but she knew it would take a lot of work and she wasn’t willing without a few conditions.  Tim had to do his part too.
A coaching challenge was underway.   I didn’t know how I was going to handle this, but thank God, I didn’t give up. I had to trust the process.

Tim’s insecurities didn’t help. His classic codependency caused him to take responsibility for all of Tina’s emotions. This would really flare her anger … and the viscous cycle would begin: She thought “You’re so vain – you ‘probly’ think this song (emotion) is about you!”   And he would come completely undone trying to figure out what in the world he HAD done. But did they talk about it? Not really.  It was just too emotional!Tim managed a whole team of people and was a nationally recognized performer in a very large company yet he would cower to Tina. He simply could not take a stand. His team loved him and he longed for his wife to love him but her emotional roller coaster made him feel anything but loved. Feeling inadequate and unworthy, he began withholding sex early on in their marriage. She wanted to use it as the make-up factor, but as he put it, “sex may be an emotional thing for a woman, but I’m not a machine, I don’t want to make love to someone who’s going to be tearing me to pieces tomorrow.”When we started coaching, Tina said she was angry about the lack of intimacy, but in reality, things had gotten so bad that she didn’t want it either. But she did. Yep, that was it. She was willing to do the work if he would do his part. He said he was willing, but at first he was clueless as to what his work looked like. Yes, it was a slow start.

My coaching sessions end with Action Steps that the client(s) comes up with and commit to work on before the next session. These little steps are the secret ingredient that turn things around – in time.

As you can imagine, romance was a fantasy that had died years ago.  Yet they both desperately wanted to FEEL loved.  They decided on ACTION STEPS that they hoped would eventually lead to that feeling.

*Tina decided to dedicate as many weeks as needed to praying that God would help her have the desire and strength to forgive.  She also decided it would do their marriage good if she would continually reassure Tim that she was committed for the long haul.

*Tim decided he wanted to express a little affection, which Tina reluctantly agreed to. He wanted to give her a kiss upon arriving home, departing etc., but she only agreed to hugs at first!

Their ACTION STEPS may seem tiny. I chuckled as I typed this because I remembered what I’d written on my website years ago:  “While the first ACTION STEPS may be seemingly small, progress is energizing.  Once confidence increases, the pace picks up.  I’m often amazed at how quickly my clients reach their goals – and so are they!”

At the end of each session, I sent their ACTION STEPS to them via email.

Stay tuned to find out how their ACTION STEPS played out.

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Vision Casting – Tim & Tina’s Turnaround #1A

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Tim and Tina’s story is told with their permission. Names have been changed to protect their privacy, however, if you are seriously considering coaching they would be happy to talk to you about their experience. While this blog is intended to inspire you to do whatever it takes to get your marriage healthy, not to “sell” coaching, I am delighted to help people who are ready to do the work.

If you would like to speak with Tim and/or Tina, contact me and I will facilitate your connection.

For those of you who want more details on Tim and Tina’s Turnaround here is a little mini blog. Let’s call it #1A 🙂

Creating a Vision for what you would like your marriage to look like is one of the first steps in Marriage Coaching. 
Tim and Tina’s vision was pretty typical but to them seemed like a fairy tale. They were aware of some couples who lived as best friends and lovers, but them?  Yeah – that seemed like a fairytale!

Although, they were pretty clear on what they would like out of life and out of marriage, we used a couple of assessments to make sure they were thinking broadly enough and were accurately articulating what they really wanted. This was the first of the  “communication” work we did. As time went on, they learned the importance of making sure their words were matching up with what they were thinking.

Vision Casting gave them some goals to work towards, but after we were clear on what they wanted, we put that little document away for a while.  We pulled it out occasionally, but focusing on it too much could have been paralyzing – they had such a long long way to go! Instead, week by week, I helped them come up with small steps that would eventually lead to the life they longed to live together. If an athlete only focuses on the triathlon – he will always be discouraged and defeated.  It’s when he focuses on the work -the hard core training week by week, that he can expect to reach his goal. So we began the process and soon Tim and Tina could could see their marriage muscles beginning to grow.

The Action Steps they came up with and followed through on – on a weekly basis put them on the road to success.  These steps came directly from their mouths.  I would listen for what they “said” they wanted or needed to do and ask them if they would like to commit to it? If they said yes, it became one of their ACTION STEPS.  I will share some of them along the way.