During the first call, the consultation, we interviewed each other to be sure our values and purposes aligned well enough. While our core beliefs differ, our experiences, intentions and purposes tracked well and we agreed that working together had good potential.
The next session is what I call an ‘intake session’ where I learn more about them and their story as well as their hopes and dreams for the future then we quickly move into high gear. I asked them to keep a notebook so they could track their progress.
The session started with Joe saying, “I wish we’d left well enough alone. We were 2 steps ahead after we talked with you, now we’re 10 steps back.” Not a great start! He was experiencing overwhelming loneliness and realizing that restoration, if it was going to happen at all, was going to be “a very long haul.” He didn’t want to sign up for that! He knew from past experiences his tolerance for waiting was short lived.
He was frustrated because he knew he wanted “deeper intimacy” and wasn’t sure she had the same desire – probably because of her bold move to leave him alone in a foreign land!
She insisted that her bold move was in an effort to bring about an intimacy that had been long lost. He just couldn’t buy it. He did not fully trust her intentions but she did want to seek help . . . .
My services are not cheap, I don’t offer refunds and I expect 100% effort to be put into the relationship during the time we work together. They’d both agreed to that when they bought the 24 week package. He was committed to staying engaged as long as he was sure Carri was choosing him because she wanted to be married to him and have a deeply connected and wonderful relationship. He wanted her to feel free to make choices that she felt were in her best interest. He never again wanted to find out that she felt trapped!
Carri had already made her escape and was firm in stating she would not return to the relationship as it was. She wanted a re-start. She wanted the love, romance and friendship they’d experienced way back when. And she wanted a partner who took great interest in their children. She admitted that she’d allowed the kids to come between them. She didn’t want that. She wanted the kids to have a father figure they would someday want to model – a man who invested himself, selflessly into their lives. Couldn’t the children act as a bonding agent for their relationship?
Carri wanted desperately to be in love again, but she was going to have to convince him she really wanted him. She really wanted him to change, but knew that he would only change when he wanted to. So she invested herself in a lot of personal growth stuff. She knew changing herself was all she could control.
Their emails, calls and Skype sessions since she’d left had been very difficult. They only talked about business matters, logistics and such. Anything of a sensitive nature was not discussed, mostly because Carri would not express herself. Joe was a strong personality and she had shut down. Part of our coaching revolved around her finding the courage to open back up.
They both spoke briefly about how very difficult it was to be apart but Joe was really struggling. I asked, “How would it help to know what she’s been experiencing?” He thought that it might be the assurance he needed to know that it was going to be worth the effort, and the wait! He had made some regrettable decisions in the past because of his impatience and didn’t want that to happen again.
Because of Carri’s difficulty expressing herself, I asked how she could be prepared to talk about her feelings with Joe. She decided to make some notes before their call.
It was a slow start but we all left the call hopeful.
Joe and Carri’s Action Step for the past week was to share with each other what had been hard about the separation. I realized it was only in our sessions that they were discovering the other was also hurting, lonely and sad, so I asked if it would be helpful for them to continue the conversation privately. Although Carri was nervous she thought it could be helpful so we talked a little about how she could muster the courage and express herself as she desired.